Can't stand this anymore...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Tholl, May 28, 2007.

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  1. Tholl

    Tholl New Member

    Hi everyone..
    I don't even know why I'm here..and how.But well maybe there can be someone who can help me.
    I'm 19 years old and I live in Turkey.Nowadays I'm kind of dead already, I can't feel anything, can't attempt at anything..Why? Because of an exam, which has to be successed to get in university.
    I have 2 million rival, and in this system even you're clever they won't let you take what you want and torture you with these barricades..
    I had it once and failed, because it was my first year and couldn't get it together with school.This time it will be my second attempt... And I don't feel ready enough.I'm kind of lost in hell, nothing can relax me. I see everyone is talking to each other, having fun and such.But I don't have anything to relax, i make everything worse in my mind. and I can't control it...One day I study with all I got but the following day " hell what happens... " I'm depressed as hell.
    Sure thing, I have hobbies such as playing guitar but my music is like me too.No difference at all.

    In fact if you ask me, I would prefer a sorrowful life as I listen to suicidal/depressive black metal all the time.But in this time period, I'm too stressed.It's not even stress, I'm suffering in the most painful way: in my mind.

    My unbearable solitude won't let me share anything with other people.And this emptiness I'm having is making me worse every waking day.I have headache all the time, stomach ache, bla bla ache..

    I have 16 days left to that exam and even I refuse it, yes I'm full of fear and stress.I don't share this with everyone and try to seem ok.But I can't stand now, this pain is gnawing me from inside. slowly but permanently.

    I sometimes think that I can learn a lot of thing in this time period but sometimes I take loss as a remedy.

    There are private schools which you pay lots of money.My dad wanted me to go there last year but I didn't want it.So I decided to take exam again...And this year, I do not even talk to my dad.I even ignore his being because he told me lots of bad thing which I can never forget."A little example: You don't do anything you just eat my money, your sister is best at anything you can't be anything....." etc. He used to say those all the time before but I didn't use to take those serious.This time I did... and never talked to him again.he came several times and tried to talk me but I seriously hate him now.
    Now let's come at the point, they could send me to private uni this year but these things....

    I chose to be honourful and be honest all the time.My sister always cried to get what she wants, now she's graduated from law, even they bought her a car even they whine about her all the time!

    And one day I heard this crap.When my family wanted to send me to private uni, i heard she said that they shouldn't send me to those because it costs a lot of money..Oh what the...? Why you cried for a car then, and many more like these.

    I can't stand humans anymore, that's all a mess.Being honourful and honest didn't carry me anywhere, seriously if the way is being a jealous and selfish to be successfull, I'm not in..

    Don't take it like I blame others because of my own problems.No I don't..I always wanted to study too much and get into good university.But I couldn't.The time passed so quickly for me, now I feel so empty and tired.Even I'm so strong sometimes.
    And my good friends over internet live in big cities, thats why I want to go there for university.Don't think I'm asocial at all, I just like the high-humans as
    nietzsche says.. not the simple human.You get the idea.

    I try lots of way to keep my mind away from this life but as i said nothing help s me relax..

    I do astral projection (well,try to do) but can't even concentrate it..Can't concentrate on anything even though I want it as much as hell.But I don't know the reason.

    Who could be a guest to my sorrowful realm and help me? I would be gladful to hear advices.
    Thanks for reading..
  2. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Hi Tholl,

    Firstly, welcome to the forum. I am glad that you have found this website and hope that it helps in some way to ease the pain of all that you're going through right now. It sure does sound like a heavy burden to carry.. and very stresful too. I wish you all the very best in your exam in a couple of weeks time.. and I wish very much that throughout this stresful time, you are able to somehow look after yourself and your own needs.

    I can relate to some of what you say about families.. and humans. It sounds like you have received messages from your dad that have not been supportive of you, and have infact given you the impression that you will never achieve anything in life. I heard similar things from my dad - when I applied for a job he said i would never get that job, as the company only takes 'high flyers'. Well, i applied for the job anyway, and I got the job!

    I know it's difficult, because afterall you have spent many years with your parents and they raised you, etc. But try not to let arrogant messages such as these, stop you from getting where you want to get to. I recently started psychotherapy where I am slowly unravelling all the messages (they're not all verbal.. they can be verbal, non-verbal, conscious, unconscious, etc) that I received from my parents.. it is a very difficult and painful process, but it really does make sense to me why I am who I am. It makes sense to me why I doubt myself so much, why I lack confidence, etc.

    Would you consider seeking therapy at all? It really can help to talk through how you're feeling and what's going on for you.. it's also good to have that time, once a week, where there is 1 hour dedicated just for you.. it's nice to know that someone understands.

    Other than that I wonder whether you could approach your doctor and seek help for the symptoms of depression that you describe? Do your tutors know how much you're struggling with the workload and exam? I wonder if they'd be able to help in any way also?

    I'm thinking of you and wishing you all the very best
    Please take care
    Jenny xx
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum Tholl. I can only echo what Jenny had to say. You need to let them know how overwhelmed you are. Many professors are willing to work things out if they know there is a reason that is valid. I hope you are able to come to terms with everything and start to feel better about things soon. Take care and stay safe. :hug:
  4. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I can relate to the pressure you're under. I'm in school right now learning a new career, and it's tough. There's a lot of tests I have to take. I'm in the storm right now, but I know there's got to be some sunshine afterwards. It sounds cliche-ish I know, but it's true. Take care of yourself.
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