Can't start new life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by deb22, Nov 24, 2014.

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  1. deb22

    deb22 Well-Known Member

    I lost the love of my life after 33 years of living, working, traveling together and loving every minute of our time together. Most people found us ODD, "HOW CAN YOU SPEND THAT MUCH TIME TOGETHER?, IT IS NOT HEALTHY!!" Well for us it was what we wanted and to separate to appease society is ridiculous. She died on Monday and I have no interest in starting a new life. At 52 I will never have another partner [I new this 20 yrs ago]. I have no regrets, no financial burden [ enough to get by which has always been enough for me]. I do not want to start a whole new life. Suicide has always been an option to me, something we discussed when it crossed my thoughts and I do not have anything such as a religious conviction holding me down. I miss her soooo much.

    I don't intend to do anything rash today or tomorrow but I am keeping it as an option for the near future. I have no anger, I realize people die and she suffered greatly so I am thankful for her relief from this pain but I am satisfied with the life I have had and although fairly young I have got what I needed from this life and so ending it would not be traumatic for me or my family. We have no children and my family was hers as she had no one but me. I intend to try and ride out the winter but living out here in the country without her may be to much to bare. I don't know...

    Thanks for having a place for us to freely express our thoughts.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi deb22 i am so sorry for your loss. Understandable right now you are grieving and you see no future right now but with some grief counseling you can and will be able to move forward and in time you will have less pain and be able to remember your loved one with my happiness in your heart.
    I do hope you reach out for counseling it does help If you leave there will be no one to keep your loved ones memory alive you do that ok You stay and you commemorate her life
    do something that she would have loved to do with you Keep her memory alive for all to see hugs I do not think she would want you to commit suicide she would want you to be happy right hugs
  3. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Deb, Hello. I am truly sorry for your loss. No one else can fill that place, I understand that too. I am not going to tell you what you have to do or what you should do or not do. I only want to let you know that right now you are not alone. You will probably never talk to me or hear from me again, I will reach out with my heart because that is all I can do.
  4. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Deb, I have never married, or had a partner so I cannot know the extent of your grief. But I encourage you to listen to something Eclipse said. That only through you can you keep her memory alive. Do give yourself time. While the pain of your loss will not go away, it will lessen. You will then be able to think more clearly. You will see the importance of remaining on this earth, of keeping your loved alive through you.
  5. fosty

    fosty Well-Known Member

    I've never had what you had so cannot yet empathize but can still fully sympathize and offer you both a rainbow for seeing how much you loved her and do still :rainbow::rainbow: and hope you will find a way to be happy to go on living
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello I am really glad that you joined up here and have spoken to us about how you truly feel, how do you think she would want you to feel, or what to do? Whatever illness she died from, why don't you campaign for them or fund raise to help others like you and her ? I hope you do not choose to end your life although I can understand you feeling so low right now :( I'm so sorry. Keep talking here if it helps. You are still only 52,there are so many things you can do with your life at that age , again, I know it's going to be hard and take a lot of time to grieve her passing but you can get through this.
  7. Jethro

    Jethro Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Until you've been through that, it's impossible to know how it feels. I joined that club a few years ago. And I felt the way you did. I had no interest in starting over, no interest in a new partner. I was just living my life.

    But, life is weird. Less than a year later, I met someone wonderful. We had a fantastic two years together, never had a single fight, enjoyed virtually every day together, had 35 mutual friends, her family loved me, mine loved her, etc etc. It was all great until the day she hooked up with a stranger half her age, and since then has never had the courage to talk to me eye-to-eye. Fact is, I forgave her -- people make mistakes -- but she's so stubborn, she had to fabricate a situation in which we were actually "broken up," and managed to sell that to our mutual friends... well, former mutual friends. They've all sided with her.

    But that's a distraction. The point is, you don't know what life will bring you. I realized a while ago that a single day will never pass in which I don't think about my late wife. Every once in a while, I find a ticket stub in a box of files, or a disc with some photos on it, and the tears come. They always will. that's normal.

    You have options. And now is not the time to think about "starting over." Now is the time to grieve, and to heal. The only advice I can give is: Be with people. Everyone is going to come out of the woodwork and be there for you, for about a year. Let them. Your alone time is going to suck, so minimize it. Spend time with friends, family, reaquaint with old friends. BE ALIVE. IT FEELS GOOD TO BE ALIVE. That's where your head should be right now.

    And it's good news that you are financially secure. Unfortunately, my wife died before ACA kicked in, so she hit her lifetime insurance cap halfway through her treatment. I felt she was getting great care, and took that on. In her final months, she had sever surgeries and some expensive chemo treatments. They didn't work, but they did extend her life for some time, so I have no regrets. I did, however, lose everything: Our house, our savings, our retirement. I am now so desperately in debt that I'll never be able to get out of it, plus being a year younger than you, I am basically unemployable. Suicide is my only option, unfortunately. I can accept being alone, I can accept that I'll never be able to retire, etc, but I can't accept being on welfare. I'll take care of things myself before I go there. You, my friend, are in a very different situation, and can still make a mark on this world. I'm not a religious man, but I think your wife would have wanted you to keep trying.

    My heart is with you.
  8. deb22

    deb22 Well-Known Member

    Thank you ALL for your replies and kindness. My dogs are helping me hang on right now and I would not leave them unattended for anything. I live in the country, no counseling and with winter up here in Canada not much driving will be going on. I know what I am going through is "normal". My mother was 52 when cancer took her and it was hard ,we were close but this.. this is different, much more pain and I really do feel cut in half. My partner endured so much this past couple of years and survived much longer than all the doctors could imagine. I know a part of my problem is her fear of leaving me but I would have preferred it was me, but I could not leave her in that position either. I am going to get some help from our doctor and try to erase the last 12 hours of her death as she got flesh eating disease as we sat talking on sat night. I can't tell anyone [family or here] what that was like for us but it is impossible for me to cope with what I saw and having to call the ambulance at 2 am. Well any ways Thanks I will keep reading others posts and responses as it has been helping me for many months before her death. I anticipated needing this forum long ago.
  9. Bart

    Bart Banned Member

    Excellent post Jethro.
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