• Apologies for the issue with a bizarre redirect on the site earlier today. There was a large server update and an error in an IP address had the traffic routing wrongly. No hacking or anything nefarious and nothing to worry about. Sorry for any stress/anxiety caused. Very best wishes - SF Admin

Can't stop crying

Talked to a GP today. They were nice. Tried to offer to put me back in touch with the mental health resource centre. I basically had to go over so many reasons why that wouldn't be such a good idea. I tried to be diplomatic and say that their approach isn't a good fit. What I really wanted to say was that my local centre is so completely useless, and worse than that, a bunch of judgemental, vindictive bullies, that I wouldn't turn to them if and when my life is on the line.

Don't get me wrong, I want them to help. I want to feel supported, but dear god, the only reason I survived the last time was by walking away from that toxic bs.

I need help so so badly. I wish so very much that they weren't the way they are. I really really really need the help. But I've struggled to try and find support from them for the best part of 20 years. It's just not a viable option.

I tried calling Samaritans. I know it can be hit or miss whether you get someone you can really talk to, but it's hard when they say that they can't help you because your issues are to do with mental health, and they're not trained professionals. It's not like I was phoning for therapy. I just wanted to talk, you know? I just wanted to say I'm really really messed up and this is why. And tell someone that I really really can't cope anymore. I know that I got unlucky. Samaritans are fantastic on the whole, but it took me about 2 months to work up the nerve to even call.

I've been in floods of tears since then. I can't stop crying. Every time I think the wave is over, another starts up. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be unhelpable anymore. I don't want to be failed by services because my mental health issues are the wrong kind. I don't want to be this square peg in a round hole anymore.

If there was anyone to call, I would call them. But options are non existent now.
Hugs VioletDawn

I wish mental health services hadn't failed you. I wish so many people didn't fall through the cracks in the services that are supposed help people.
It feels like I'm not meant to get help. I'm not the right sort of person to fit their requirements sadly. The doctor was going to check in again tomorrow by phone. I can't face lying and saying I'm ok. I just can't face it, but the alternative of being forced to be back in touch with the resource centre fills me with absolute dread. I know I truly never want to go there ever again. I never want to be made to feel so small, insignificant, and wrong as they have always made me feel.
I’m sorry you are feeling like this and not getting the support you deserve. It can be so difficult to find the right person to help and if you are like me, an hour a week simply isn’t enough. But daily support is not really something that is offered. I guess the system is just too overwhelmed with so many people needing help.
samaritans are amazing, but as you say a bit hit and miss sometimes. Perhaps try them again? Talk to someone different? You had the courage the first time you can do it again. And yes to have someone you can simply tell that you don’t want to be here is so powerful; to hear your own words come out of your head and to be actually heard by someone else. I use the Samaritans a lot, both email and phone. Don’t be afraid of ringing them back. That’s what they are there for. They want to be there for you.
Big hug tonight and I hope you feel a little better in the morning. Take care.*hug Xx


SF Supporter
I really don't understand responses like the one you got from the Samaritans. Don't they realize how disheartening saying stuff like that can be to someone? You deserve adequate help and support and i'm sorry that you have not gotten that.
Normally the Samaritans are fantastic for sure and I don't mean it to sound like I'm talking them down. It was probably a case of the wrong person at the wrong time. I'm feeling too fragile and exhausted to try calling again tonight. Hope I can sleep a bit..
In principle, it might be be possible to tell the doctor the truth, but also flatly refuse to go the resource center. I'm not sure how you'd feel about that though.
I already had to dodge the how low my mood is and am I thinking of hurting myself questions. I don't really want to push my luck any more than I have.
I just got a call from the doctor, or at least one of the receptionists. When I moved house, I was outside the catchment area, but my regular gp knew that I felt like she'd been such a lifeline for me, as she really took time to understand and really listen to me. She said that it would be ok to stay with the practice but not put it in paper that I'd moved.

Now because I've been so unwell I've the past 6 months, and because I've had to deal with other doctors at the surgery it's been noticed. I've been told that they're notifying the health board that I'm moving from the gp surgery and I've been told to find a new doctor.

I wish they could at least have let me speak to my actual doctor to say goodbye. I won't register anywhere else. I've had too many bad experiences in the past with them not understanding the ptsd or the autism. It's the worst possible time for them to do this, but I'm used to people washing their hands of me. Knowing that I don't even have the GP to turn to now.. well that's it. I'm completely disconnected from the entire system. I might as well not exist.
I know you are upset right now and I completely understand how losing someone you rely on can be devastating, but do reconsider finding another gp. You can try a few different ones or ask around for any recommendations. It is really important that you get the support that you need. One thing I have found is that there are lots of people out there who really do care. They’re not always easy to find, but they are out there if you look.
The GPs I had in the past used to tell me things like "You need to take the bull by the horns" and to "get back on the horse". So much cliche bs.. no understanding of complex ptsd at all.

As for mental health.. after my diagnosis of aspergers syndrome, they started just saying I was "complicated". Which seemed to be code for.. we can't can't help you but it's not our fault, it's yours.

I struggled with them for a very long time, trying to keep services engaged with me even though they very much had decided that there was nothing more they could offer me.

Eventually I realised that the whole experience with them was disastrous for my mental health. I resigned myself to just having contact with my GP who very much made me feel heard and understood. I always told myself that although it really sucks that mental health people had washed their hands of me, that at least I had a great GP.

I am so upset and shocked at how they've just dumped me even though I was due to get a call back today due to the fact I couldn't stop my voice from cracking with emotion in yesterday's call. The GPs at my surgery are fantastic. I assume this was prompted by management. I just think the timing and manner that they did it is pretty heartless.
There are some folks here that understand the NHS pretty well, do you think it might help to ask them if they can suggest what to do?
How long have you been diagnosed aspergers? You imply that it is quite recent, so you were diagnosed dry late in life. (Not so unused or girls though) You should have been offered support after your diagnosis. I have two children diagnosed Aspergers and it takes time after the diagnosis to learn to accept and understand yourself. It could be part of your healing process. Aspergers is not a bad diagnosis, it is something that can be embraced and used to your advantage if you have the right support. It might be worth contacting the National Autistic society to try a different avenue. Or look to see if you have any local organisations which support autism. Depression can be linked to Aspergers so they would have experience and it may help you to feel less isolated. Just a thought, and it’s not the resource centre so you may fe more comfortable trying something different. Take care and keep sharing on here. We’re here to listen and support you. Xx*hug
I was diagnosed aged 30, but I'm 43 now. I had some great support for around 5 years, but unfortunately the centre got closed due to lack of funding and that was pretty much it after that.

I really miss that place. It really helped me figure out what aspergers did and didn't mean to me. I'm very grateful that I had that support. It was such a gulf left when all that stopped.
So perhaps all the more reason to investigate something else. The national autistic society might be able to point you in the right direction. I’ve found them to be very friendly and helpful. XX
I emailed them in the past but they just signposted me back to their website. I think a big problem is that I struggle to assimilate information into useable forms, so people may be telling me useful stuff but my brain often can't make sense of it.
I just want to make everything go away. Slept in my regular clothes last night. Woke up too hot, yet the duvet is the only bit of comfort I have as I cry for the millionth time. I'm beyond broken.

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount