Can't stop my head

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Wastingecho, Feb 5, 2010.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    It's really bad right now. I sitting here in my little 8 x 6 work cell listening to everyone elses keyboards and one-sided phone calls chanting to myself in my head

    IneedtodieIneedotdieIneedotdieIneedotdieIneedtodieIneedtodie

    I can't stop it

    I'm just so miserable - tired of the looks I'm getting knowing that no one actually gives a damn

    I don't have all my pills with me, but I keep seeing myself at the top of the parking garage. It would be so easy.

    I'm tired of the pain of being a disappointment to my family, my job, myself.

    This is the worst I've felt ever. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I find noise can trigger thougts too Can you get up go outside for a break. You need to tell the thoughts to stop already Your busy can't deal with that right now. You have control of you okay so just stay focus on your job at hand and when you can get up and go get a drink or go outside get away from the noise.
    take care.
     
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    HI I am here and listening to you...so you are at work? That has to be hard trying to get by while all the while feeling like crap inside..any chance of getting out of there early to got home and take it easy? You sound really pressed as far as your thoughts. Please don't act on them, please don't. Right this moment you are in crisis and it totally sucks but I am here..can you talk to me at all? If easier to PM or email that is find just let me know..I am here for you and care.
    Love Bambi
     
  4. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Afraid to move right now.

    Up 1 floor is the roof. Out the side is the top of the parking garage. Out the front is a 6 lane highway. The way I feel right now I'm afraid. All it will take is one more step from any of those points.

    I'm over 2 1/2 hours from home and I really don't want to die in New Jersey but th epressure inside my head i sreally starting to wear me down.

    Before we moved from Manhattan I had my own office - but after 25 years of service they took that away from me. There is nowhere quiet for me to go. I have to sit hear and try to keep the screams inside my head.

    I'm supposed to be in a meeting in an hour and I'm sitting here quietly crying in my cube. I'm not even sure how i'm going to get through the next 5 minutes.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 5, 2010
  5. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    you are in no condition to do any work and need help right away. cant you call in sick tmr and try to get a clear mind? how are you even able to hide those feelings while working in a office with so many people? even if nobody knows you well someone must be seing you are not doing very well? i have read some of your postings where you have stated that you had your first heavy depressed about 5 years ago. something most have keep you going. hold on to that. hang in there. for yourself you wife and your family.dont give up buddy
     
  6. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    No choice.

    As long as I'm alive we need the money. Dead I'm worth about 500,000 which will get all the kids through college and give my wife a chance to make a new start.

    I've got nothing left to give them. Everyone else comes first and is more important than I am. I have nothing left for me.

    I don't think that I'm worth saving.

    no one to turn to for help. I know that i'll die if I end up in the hospital again. if I try to get help that's where I'll probably end up. so what difference would it make in the end?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 5, 2010
  7. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Ithink your worth saving...hell your compassion and kindness show through on your threads...as does your intense pain.

    Just think of us here while you are in your meeting...know that there is help awaiting you when you get out, know that there is a place to talk, know that support is now in your life, know that you have an outlet for your pain and you don't have to hold it all inside anymore....your life has made a huge change and you are no longer alone...

    If you want to talk you can PM me...I am sending you a PM now iwth contact info...I am concerned about how you feeling but also sense you have the strength in you to get through the next meeting okya and able to work on all this other crap when it is done...don't check out it ain't worth it, you never know change/"the answer" may be just around the corner and after all you have been through you don't want to miss it..

    Hugs Bambi
     
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You think your family wants money more than you boy that is distorted thinking
    The money will mean nothing they will have pain for the rest of their lives knowing you did what you did for this thought.
    Tell your boss you are not well and go get help go to hospital and get your medication looked at you probably need them readjusted
    Think more clearly your family need you
     
  9. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    dont think that way mate, you have somehow came out of this shithole before proof us you can do it again.maybe you need a change of medication.are you able to talk to your wife about your condition? i realy feel with you and feel terible and sad reading your story.hang in there.do everything what needs to be done in order to defeat your illness.nobody needs the 500k if you are around maybe you feel that way due to your crappy situation but im sure money cant replace your life. are you in therapy ?
     
  10. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    It's not that they want money more than me.

    It's that I can't help them anymore any other way.

    My wife just wants a warning if i'm going to break again so that she can prepare - whatever that means.

    I can't identify with my daughters issues - hell I couldn't even help one with a simple math question when she called.

    I can't stand to look at my son. We've tried to help him with his aspergers issues for years but he lives in his own little world that rejects my help. My insurance won't even cover him in a month since he withdrew from college. Whenever I look at him all I see is myself and I hate myself even though I still love my son.

    But love doesn't fix things.

    My mother and her companion think I'm a crappy parent - who am I to argue.

    Apparently no one in my family knows me anyway. Christmas is a nightmare because I always end up getting this little generic things for my desk. They should know what I read and watch and listen to by now. But i realize i'm not worth the effort.

    And yes I realize that my thoughts are twisted right now, but the way I feel it really doesn't matter.

    god i wish i could get out of this meeting. now i have to lie and put on my happy face. been faking it for 15 years - i should be able to do it for 1 more hour.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 5, 2010
  11. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    My mother and her companion think I'm a crappy parent - who am I to argue.

    apperently they do not seem to understand your condition, sorry to hear this but i also must say a good mother will support her children any way ahe can.that means NEVER EVER make a comment like the one above

    I can't identify with my daughters issues - hell I couldn't even help one with a simple math question when she called.

    this is normal most men dont understand girl things and that you havent been able with a math question can happen its not the end of the world.were only human

    It's that I can't help them anymore any other way.

    you can help them by helping yourself first.you are in no condition to help anyone before you help yourself

    It's not that they want money more than me.

    there you go

    I can't stand to look at my son. We've tried to help him with his aspergers issues for years but he lives in his own little world that rejects my help

    sorry to hear that, that must be very hard

    And yes I realize that my thoughts are twisted right now, but the way I feel it really doesn't matter.

    it does matter to us and it matters to yourself otherwise you wouldnt have been here.please get help
    in your current condition you are only able to see the bad and negative things, i know how that feels.like shit. please help yourself
     
  12. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    You are is such pain right now and I feel so helpless to comfort you or help your situation right at this moment. I almost cried about the Christmas presents as that is the same here....makes you feel like who the hell do they think I am with these gifts....it hurts and is insulting on some levels.

    I am not sure what to say at this point, what do i say to convince you that your are worth it, that you can get through this, that it is not always going to be so "dark", that it is okay to feel frustrated at your situation with your son and even to feel anger. I feel so inept but in my heart of hearts I care so felt the need to reply and to demonstrate to you that I am one of the ones, like those above, that feel you are worth it and are willing to be there for you, to support you, to lean on, to hear you out..to do what you need to help ease your pain.

    Gosh sorry for the ramble...I am trying hard to reach that part inside of you that wants to live and knows that your are in fact worthy
     
  13. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Going into my meeting now.

    Let you know how it goes.
     
  14. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    please keep us updated and good luck!
     
  15. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Yes please do! You are in a lot of pain that is certain and we all would like to help, so please give us a chance.

    Bambi
     
  16. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Meeting really didn't help.

    I didn't want to be on this project - they lied to me about my role in it to get me interested.

    I told them I wasn't the expert they needed - they told me I would be valuable but ignore all of my suggestions.

    I told them there deadlines were unrealistic - they let me know that I'm letting them down, a senior person should be able to keep on schedule.

    I told them 8 months ago that this project could not succeed given the constraints - they tied 10% of my bonus to it.

    I'm just a poorly trained monkey who can't succeed at his job anymore. This is going to fail, but noone will listen and I am failing with it.

    I should probably take a xanax but if I open that bottle I WILL take them all. But it won't be enough it's only about 8 mg total.

    why won't god just let me die? who is anyone to say that my suicide isn't part of god's plan? either it's predestined or it's not.

    i'm going to go and cry in the bathroom for awhile.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 5, 2010
  17. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    being depressed and having to work under a tight deadline is nearly impossible.hell any dealine is impossible when suffering depression.but i know from experience that once in a depression i tend to see it all black and negative.cant work.need more time.deadline to tight.not enough people.to tiered.etc.you need to help yourself so you can be able again to look further forward and not only see the negative sides.it is hard.very hard,but you must do it.please help yourself.we can only do so much for you here.help yourself and your family by finding the strength to get out of that terible depression
     
  18. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    THERE IS NO HELP!!!

    I can't talk about it with my family.

    I have no friends.

    I don't trust the professionals anymore and I won't let myself get put in handcuffs again.

    I know I won't survive in the hospital. Maybe it's stupid to feel that way but that's just how it is.

    I have no kind of support structure in place.

    it hurts so much right now i can barely breathe

    i can't think anymore - only feel
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 5, 2010
  19. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    hi,

    this might sound dumb. but does your office have a gym? i remember reading one of your other posts (sorry, i can't always respond, sometimes i read from my cell phone on the train cos i'm a nerd and i dunno where else to look otherwise) that one of the things you felt you were really missing was a place to let off steam.. have you tried just working out like crazy, either at your lunch break or after work? or, if there's no gym, maybe at least bring some running clothes and taking a jog before you start home? i am pretty sure your wife would rather have you come home sweaty than in handcuffs. or a body bag, shit.

    two and a half hours is a fucking staggeringly ridiculous commute, also, and no wonder you're having a hard time making and keeping friends if you barely have time to do anything but work and drive. what are your prospects for getting in touch with some kind of executive placement firm, headhunter, whatever you call them, and sneakily sneakily starting to look for a job closer to home? barring that, can you take public transit (park and ride at least) instead of driving so you can at least relax for those.. five.. hours, maybe read a book or take a nap or call home or something?

    good luck (hug)
     
  20. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    It's all public transportation after I drive to the train station. Drive, train, walk, train, walk.

    The old location has a gym but you needed to be a member. This one has nothing and the walking area around here is a wasteland except for drugstores and fast food.

    Last time I was close to this bad I let off steam in my basement where I had access to a cinderblock and small sledge hammer. Don't have the cinderblock any more.

    Just missed a call from the one coworker who senses that something is wrong. I know she wants to talk, but she's a VP, I know I'll have a collapse if I try to talk to her, then I won't be able to keep HR out of it. And HR is not here to protect me.

    I can't even type anything now without fighting back tears.

    I don't want to be here anymore but I can't leave without a "legitimate" reason.

    I wish that it would start to snow.

    I wish that I didn't feel like this.

    I wish I knew how to accept the suggestions and help that everyone is offering.

    I wish I had friends or someone I could trust.

    I wish my life was different.

    I wish my life was over.
     
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