Can't stop thinking about drinking

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by uncomfortablynumb, Feb 21, 2013.

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  1. uncomfortablynumb

    uncomfortablynumb New Member

    Lately I've just been binge drinking during the night. It's been getting really bad too. Not just waking up hungover, but waking up on the floor with blood stains on the ground around me cause I cut my toe open. Or losing my glasses and breaking my super-expensive MacBook pro (luckily the hard drive only got busted & I had a spare).

    Right now, I really can't stop thinking about getting myself a bottle. I'm in grad school, falling way behind and know I should be working on my studies, but I just want to and even feel as though I need, to drink. I feel like there is a voice in my head is telling me, "It's OK, have a drink. It'll make you feel better and maybe if you drink enough, you'll get the balls to kill yourself. GO GET BOOZE NOW!!! Don't stop after one drink, have the entire bottle of vodka. Sure, you'll feel like shit the next day, but just take a whole bunch of speed and maybe a bit of benzos for the shakes. Take a ton of speed and you'll be flying through your work with the efficiency of a robotic elf in Santa's workshop the day before Christmas." And I'm off to buy another bottle for the night and some good times!

    And if it's not the booze, its opiates or ketamine. Nothing feels like more of an escape than IMing 100mg pharmaceutical grade ketamine. Just lie down, close your eyes, put on some trippy electronic music and float off into space and beyond. I could go on and on about the things I've seen and how I've felt, who've I've been and where it's taken me (heave, hell and beyond the matrix), but read you can find tons of reports online (also check out John C Lilly). Truly a powerful psychedelic that has crack-like qualities in terms of addiction.

    With all this self-destruction, I feel there is at least some ironically. I still take vitamins, amino acids, nootropics, life weights, stretch, do some qigong and cardio, all while also attempting to get my homework done. It's like there's a part of me that still has some hope and honestly I think it's because I trick myself into thinking I can get away with it. However, I still feel as though I'm not going to be able to make it like I did as an undergrad. Grad school is way harder and faster paced. I feel as though I may actually want to self-destruct to the point where suicide is something I will end up going through with.

    Anyhow, I know this post is kind of long for a second-time poster of this forum, but I need(ed) to kill enough time so that liquor stores would be closing and I couldn't get any alcohol. I probably still can if I really want to, but I'm broke and I'm thinking of getting on opiates again. Alcohol is HELL on my body and mind. It's the main reason suicide has seemed so tempting lately. I've been thinking about switching to opiates, H or pharms, but that's not going to be possible since I don't have too much money and it can become quite an expensive habit and I'm broke as hell. Won't be doing any ketamine for a while, since that stuff is not too great for mental capacities and I need all I can get, especially while in graduate school. Hmm, maybe I'll still buy alcohol. I really can't stop thinking about it.
  2. Iamnothing

    Iamnothing New Member

    Hey numb,

    I can relate. I was abused as a child and discovered, at age 5, that alcohol numbed the pain. At some point, maybe around age 12, I found that I actually needed alcohol and drugs just to get me through the day/night. I have fought addiction for almost 4 decades. I thought that I could control it, when in reality it was totally controlling me. Always thinking about when, where and how I could get my next drink, planning my days to accommodate my binges, how I was going to hide it, etc. But I wasn't an alcoholic by gosh! I just had a drinking problem. I was in and out of AA numerous times, but refused to accept that I was an alcoholic and that my life WAS, in fact, unmanageable. I was resolved to do things my way! But when the pain of drinking got to be worse than the pain of not drinking, I found myself back in AA. And by the grace of my higher power, the support of the people in those rooms and my willingness to honestly apply the 12 steps of AA, I have been clean and sober for 2 years. And I was relieved of that compulsion to drink. Life isn't all peaches and cream living sober, but I can tell you that a bad day sober is by far better than a good day drunk!

    Check out AA/NA my friend; it does work!
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