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Can't stop thinking about getting things prepared for my departure

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by randomguy9, Oct 24, 2010.

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  1. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    I told myself I was going to wake up this morning and I was going to study until it was time to watch the game. That was interpreted by an impromptu chore list. I tried to start but between allergies and stress i could not do it. I hoped a steamy shower would cure both of those problems but it failed with the second.

    All I could think about was... how I need to get things in order before I commit. Do not want to leave the room to be cleaned by someone else, should probably wipe the hard drive of this computer so it can be an immediate gift to whoever my family decides needs it. Need to get rid of the evidence of a side of life that people I know would disown me if they knew about (no nothing illegal), need to make sure the few people left in life who I care about are taken care of... you get the idea... all of this while I should have been thinking about how to tackle these fucking assignments.

    I have failed to many times in life, and will never achieve my goals. I spent a lot of time thinking about what would make me happy in life and success was all I could find... I had it for a few semesters but now it seems so fucking hopeless. I used my success as motivation to go on... but now... I see no point... what is the point of this if i fail no matter what the fuck I do...

    I cant deal with another failure... and I am not sure if i can go on always thinking about how to best prepare for my death and leave people in as little pain as possible... it will not be pain free for them and i realize that... and i hate that... but it cant be as bad as me daily wishing some random act of whatever would end my life...
  2. needhelp

    needhelp Member

    please dont go, and tell us why do you feel so insecure?
    what goals you tried to achieve?
  3. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    Career/school is the big trigger... my life fell apart last juneish and the only thread i have to hold onto was my grades... going into wee 10... and none of my grades are what they should be... I know that for a fact in 2 classes, and am 90 percent sure of it on the 3rd. I cant handle failing again, especially when it can fuck up the entire rest of my life as this could.

    Today... more of the same. I got offered some work this weekend... normally I would take it because I need the money and this particular job is quite enjoyable... but... it is like I don't want to be committed to it just to be dead before it is time for me to do it and make them scramble to fix plans. I have no clue how the fucking hell to get through this week...
  4. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Random, I know you get tired of hearing from me but Im going to tell you anyway.

    You get up and do what needs to be done, yes you may feel like a robot but this will pass. You have alot of stress to worry about on a daily basis, can you cut that back? We all get disappointed in ourselves in our lives one time or another, we all question why me.

    Sounds like school is really wearing you down, is there anyway you can take a break? With all the stress your feeling no wonder your grades are going down. Try to find an outlet for your stress, so you can focus on what needs to be done.

    Read your post, you talk about enjoying work, do more of that. Its nice to get joy from anywhere, suck up as much as you can. I understand about the money, its hard to focus when so much depends on how much you make or what you can buy.

    Hang in there tomorrow is a new day.
  5. tizzer

    tizzer New Member

    i dont have no reason any more nothing i do is good enough i just want to sleep and never wake up ive lost every thing in my life that was worth liveing for and cant see no other way forward every day is a struggle
  6. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    If i fail again the only thing that has "passed" is my future. I have lived long enough to know how these cycles work and I am sick of them.
    There is no way... the economy sucks so no job... and I need out of my living arrangements as they push me over the edge whenever i am close.
    Tomorrow... is more of the same.

    I lengthened my list a bit... clean the car out, make sure my clothes are in drawers/closet so they can easily be thrown in a bag and donated to charity... it gets a bit longer every day.
  7. lifeisashedog

    lifeisashedog Well-Known Member

    Damn, i just realized it would take me a whole lifetime to find and erase all the "funny" contents from my computer archives...
  8. lifeisashedog

    lifeisashedog Well-Known Member

    Yup, "robotizing" is a good way to get through hard times. When I was depressed it was very helpful that i got a robot job in printing industry. Doing something monotonous helps to concentrate on here and now and forget about great problems of yesterday and tomorrow. And I got paid for it too. Money is very good cure for depression :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 25, 2010
  9. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Im so sorry Random, I wish I had the right words to say to make you feel better. I wish you would reconsider what your doing and how you are going to affect your name and the people around you.

    I understand that your suffering, that nothing feels like it will ever change, it wont unless you work super hard at it. If you keep telling yourself that your life sucks and you would be better off dead, then thats how your going to feel.

    I wish you could see that people around you care and want to make you feel better. Want to see you happy.

    I know that your under alot of stress with the school, job, everyday living, but its not worth taking your life over. We all go through struggle times, its why you can look back and say man that was so hard but I got through it and now its made me who I am today.

    I understand the feeling of nothing will change, I feel that way atleast 90% of the time, but please look at the little things in life that your missing, the sunshine, the rain, flowers, the things that are so hard to see cause of the depression is in the way. Please try and remember the things that dont cost anything or take anything away from you.

    Im scared that your making plans for your end. STOP NOW PLEASE, you can get passed this. It can be better.

    Come on and talk to us, let us know your stresses, get it all out, scream it to the world. We want you to stay, to talk, to help us understand, maybe it will help us to, understand some of the issue we have in ourselves.
  10. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Why do you think that your future is over if you fail at something now? You seem to be operating on a 'School = Success/No School = Failure' belief. Yet you're clearly an intelligent person and if you stood back and looked into it, you'd realise that there aren't just two paths in the world. Lots of people don't go to college but still make a success of their lives. And lots of people get a decent education yet still manage to achieve no success whatsoever. There are other paths in life. Perhaps you should look at what other options are there.

    Well firstly, welcome to the world. Yes, the economy sucks but guess what? Life will go on. The economy has sucked before and will no doubt suck again. Get used to it, it's never going to be any different.
    Secondly, yes, change your living arrangements. You can't afford to have stressors. In fact you really need to work on that one first. Put all your energy into it, make a list. Work out what you can realistically afford etc and make that project the priority.
    Sending lots of positive vibes to you x
  11. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    I have thought about them daily... but they cant be more frustrated with life then i am. they could recover... i was geneticly damned to fail.
    I am working my ass off at it and still nothing... no matter what I do nothing every changes and I am sick of it. If my life is not going to be successful then I don't want to live it.

    I know... but it is hard to look at that when i am pretty sure they want the impossible.
    It has been like this for over a year... a year and 5 months and the only reason i was slightly better before was because of false hope and lies.
    sunshine: Just keeps me from sleeping when i want to escape. Rain: nice to walk in, sucks to drive in. Flowers: ah choo... *blownose.

    I am... I am not actively trying to but I cant stop myself... it is becoming more and more often that i see something that can be used as a method and i involuntarily make a mental note of it.
  12. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    did some work for family yesterday... and feel guilty about taking the money for it. No way i put it to any sort of use... It does not feel right. Yes I earned it... but still.

    I need to study... but can't do it.

    probably going to begin preparation for making things as easy as possible on my family tomorrow...
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 31, 2010
  13. KatyKate

    KatyKate Antiquities Friend

    Hey....am here if you want to PM me...am coming into chatroom later if you want to chat...i'm having a tough time too...very dark thoughts...lets fight this together???
    Thinking of you
    Kate xxx :) WUB
  14. KatyKate

    KatyKate Antiquities Friend

    Hey.....you're not alone in these thoughts you are having...I too am having some really dark days..but am fighting it somehow...please don't leave us...can I help? PM me anytime or we can chat in room...will there later on this evening probably...maybe we can help each other??
    Thinking of you...please hang on
    Hugs Kate xxxxx
  15. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    I have fallen to a deeper level of depression then ever... I am not even sure I will watch the :football: game with my friends this weekend... which is something i have done for the past 3 seasons every Sunday barring a blackout or someone being out of town.

    Gah... Just don't want them hurt if I do commit... i feel as if it would be easier if i just cut ties now.
  16. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    6 weeks and my problems seem unfixable... gah everytime i look at my lost of things I need to do i cant but help thinking about committing...
  17. Tonks

    Tonks Active Member

    Catherine, this part of your post is very condescending. Have you ever experienced not knowing how to pay the next rent and electric bill, wondering where money for basic food food will come from? Do you not know the terror and stress that comes from not having a job? I personally have to sell plasma on a weekly basis just to make ends meet because I can't get a job. That is a strain on my body and my mind in so many ways. But if I didn't, I'd be homeless, which would be worse. Not for lack of trying to get a job, either. Most of us who are jobless drop application after application day after day, hoping in vain for that phone call for an interview. Even being a part time grocery store bagger making some pathetic wage is better than nothing.

    I suggest you try and walk in someone else's shoes for a short period of time before making such a statement.
  18. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    hey randomguy...you sound so overwhelmed...
    which problem is the one that needs tackling first?
    is it the study? is there anyone who you could study with that could motivate you maybe?

    maybe watching the game will turn out to be ok....sometimes if we force ourselves to do the things we don't want to do they turn out to be good for us ..!!! *confused!!*
  19. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    I would not be ditching the game... just watching it away from anyone else. I cant study while the game is on... I end up checking the score way to often.

    There is no one to study with. I dont know my class mates.
  20. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    re the study..are you able to talk to a school counselor about how you're feeling? there must be something they can do to help. Maybe even offer a study partner, defer your exam till you're up to it... idk
    You said you suffer allergies....I know they can annoy the **** out of you...are you taking something for that? I use a preventative (nasal spray) because on a bad day they drive me mad -er!. you certainly dont need the extra pressure of allergies when you have so much on your plate.

    can I also ask if you're seeing a doctor for your depression? If you're not it's probably time to go talk to one asap.

    you don't need to die..there are other choices...

    and you're not a failure..." the only Failure is not to try"
    the fact that you're reaching out here means you're still trying..*hug*
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