I'm 24 years old and I had a life that many would say should be happy and full. But it's not. I'm from a different country but have been living in the States for over 5 years. Back at home I was an athlete, almost made it to Olympics (did make it to world and European championships), but I never really achieved anything great. I had a coach who told me I had no talent for anything. He kept telling me that since I was 10. That I was worth nothing. One time the national television was there and got it live. I just wanted to escape. I almost did something permanent when I was away from home, but a good friend kept texting me and without knowing it, kept me alive. Then I came to the States and the new environment made me very happy at first. People said I was actually worth something. I got an education for free because I earned a scholarship. But again I was mediocre. Everytime I went home I had to face my alcoholic, mentally abusive father. The hole my family was (is) digging financially. We are in so much debt, I don't know how we are going to repay it. And I feel guilty, because here I am, living a supposedly healthy life, having my expenses covered, while they are there struggling. Now I'm in grad school and again I earned a scholarship. But it barely covers my rent and I have two jobs to pay for food and living. I can't send anything home. I'm embarrassed, because the last time I bought new clothes was over 4 years ago. I have 6 shirts and 6 pairs of pants and that's it. And people notice it. My own roommate felt pity and bought me a pair shoes for Christmas. My ex boyfriend made everything so much better for a while, but then I learned he had bipolar disorder. I wanted to stay together, but he pushed me away against my wishes. He broke my heart. I pretend I'm fine, but I'm not. Nobody around me knows what I'm going through. I don't talk to my mother anymore. At least not as I used to. I'm alone in the darkness and I don't know how to get out of it... The one thing I'm truly good at is to keep a poker face. And act like everything is normal. But inside I'm screaming constantly. I don't know what to do. I'm unhappy with myself, my body, my job, my life in general. I have been having suicidal thoughts for a long time, but I'm too afraid to go through with it. If I can't kill myself, but I hate living, what else is there?