Can't stop thinking about it, but I'm too much of a coward to go through with it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by auroraswimmer, Jan 24, 2014.

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  1. auroraswimmer

    auroraswimmer New Member

    I'm 24 years old and I had a life that many would say should be happy and full. But it's not. I'm from a different country but have been living in the States for over 5 years. Back at home I was an athlete, almost made it to Olympics (did make it to world and European championships), but I never really achieved anything great. I had a coach who told me I had no talent for anything. He kept telling me that since I was 10. That I was worth nothing. One time the national television was there and got it live. I just wanted to escape. I almost did something permanent when I was away from home, but a good friend kept texting me and without knowing it, kept me alive. Then I came to the States and the new environment made me very happy at first. People said I was actually worth something. I got an education for free because I earned a scholarship. But again I was mediocre. Everytime I went home I had to face my alcoholic, mentally abusive father. The hole my family was (is) digging financially. We are in so much debt, I don't know how we are going to repay it. And I feel guilty, because here I am, living a supposedly healthy life, having my expenses covered, while they are there struggling.
    Now I'm in grad school and again I earned a scholarship. But it barely covers my rent and I have two jobs to pay for food and living. I can't send anything home. I'm embarrassed, because the last time I bought new clothes was over 4 years ago. I have 6 shirts and 6 pairs of pants and that's it. And people notice it. My own roommate felt pity and bought me a pair shoes for Christmas. My ex boyfriend made everything so much better for a while, but then I learned he had bipolar disorder. I wanted to stay together, but he pushed me away against my wishes. He broke my heart.
    I pretend I'm fine, but I'm not. Nobody around me knows what I'm going through. I don't talk to my mother anymore. At least not as I used to. I'm alone in the darkness and I don't know how to get out of it...
    The one thing I'm truly good at is to keep a poker face. And act like everything is normal. But inside I'm screaming constantly. I don't know what to do. I'm unhappy with myself, my body, my job, my life in general. I have been having suicidal thoughts for a long time, but I'm too afraid to go through with it. If I can't kill myself, but I hate living, what else is there?
  2. MisterBGone


    Hi auroraswimmer!

    I used to swim in high school, but I was never that good (my events were i.m. & breaststroke), even though I loved it so... I had the top seed in my section to go to state my senior year & choked--not even qualifying for the finals!

    In a way, that messed me up for a good long time.

    To think of all that you have accomplished is awe-inspiring. I can't even fathom it! That level of excellence. Way to go.:)

    I believe that you are taking on too much of the pain and the guilt and the burden of your family's hardships. The best thing you could do for them--& in turn yourself--is to be strong and power through your graduate school. Get a good job. And THEN if you have the means and the desire, repay them with your gratitude.

    At least, that's what I would try to do if I were you. Obviously, it's much easier for me, because I am not sitting in your shoes. But good luck to you! :D

    Truthfully, Mr. B
  3. Maeve1

    Maeve1 New Member

    I completely understand how you are feeling... Everyday is really difficult
  4. mark b

    mark b Well-Known Member

    continue with the skills you have.

    support your family by offering your love and if you can get them help from alcohol support...that is if they agree its needed and want to deal with addiction and all it causes.

    foodbanks and clothing banks will provide for some of your needs.

    come back here for more support and advice.
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