Can't stop thinking about it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LT76, Sep 16, 2016.

  1. LT76

    LT76 New Member

    I have the job I wanted (it's hard work, and long hours, but it's the only paid job I've had that gives me any sort of fulfillment). I'm almost 40. I've been single longer than I care to admit, for reasons I haven't properly dealt with. All that's not so important. I'm not taking one of my antidepressant meds because it affects my working memory. I'm showing up to work and getting my job done and people like me well enough. I have good parents. Right now my mother's in the middle of moving her mother into a home, amid much sad and disturbing drama, so I can't ... well she's the only reason I haven't done anything so far (except several attempts, years ago). Now it's her and my dog. I'm just. So. SAD. all the time. And desperately lonely. A partner wouldn't fix this. It's not that kind of thing. I'm just so totally alone. I want to drink - I can't drink because I'm a recovering alcoholic, but I moved recently and can't get into the weird meetings here. This is all stuff I can fix by doing those very simple things but like I said I'm 40 and I'm tired of fixing it. I'm on this forum because I figure I won't be judged ... I hope that's true. I'm not about to do anything. It's just that I could -- very easily -- and I want to all the time. There's no real immediate reason. I have a history of severe recurrent major depression, complex PTSD and generalized anxiety. Doesn't help. Oh well.
     
  2. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    I think that you've come to the right place on SF-you won't be judged here and if you are that participant on the forum will be removed. If it's not too personal, I'm wondering-do you know why you feel so sad or is it something about your life that is mysterious to you?
     
  3. LT76

    LT76 New Member

    Wow, thanks for replying. I can point to "obvious" things (things I've talked to therapists about, like child abuse), but I don't blame those things (I learned to drop the victim complex through addictions recovery, which I have to say was pretty empowering). The long-term effects of that of course have meant not being able to form a meaningful partnership, which is not the kind of thing you need to kill yourself over obviously. I'm definitely lonely, but I always have been, even when I've been among close friends (I moved 2000 miles away in 2014 for this job -- which is really the career, and the one I trained for, and I have no complaints about that except for the problems I cause myself). I think I just have such a rotten view of myself (including professionally -- I feel like a fraud). I've never been able to shake that view, no matter what anyone tells me, no matter what evidence I get to the contrary, etc. That gets in my way of what (on some other level) I know I can do, but I can't just change my opinion of myself. I watch people who aren't plagued with self-doubt just write article after article knowing they'll be published and succeeding at it, while I stall and second-guess everything I come up with. "Loser" and "freak" come to mind most often, along with "fraud" .... I know I turn "being alone" into "always being alone forever," which is faulty reasoning, but there it is. I have no reason to feel sorry for myself. I get that. I'm actually very lucky. I just feel like there's a long road ahead and on that road I'm going to lose the few things I do love, like pets, and family, and friends. I don't see a reason to hang around for that. If I felt I contributed to someone's life in some way, then sure. Sadly, that's just my mother. She would be absolutely devastated. My dad too I guess. They'd take care of the dog. But that's the only thing that stops me, and I wish it wouldn't stop me. Just like I wish my knowledge of how quickly drinking would take everything I've worked for away actually stops me from drinking (my former cure for loneliness and anxiety). Maybe it's because I dropped one of the antidepressants (I'm so suspicious of that whole industry anyway) that I"m just feeling it a lot more these days. Honestly, I've had so much good fortune. What's mysterious is not the problem but why I can't see my way past it. Isn't there also something indulgent about all of this, too? (I already know the answer to that!) Thanks for listening. I've been on the national chat line twice but I always feel guilty because there might be someone in line who's literally about to go for it and that's not where I am. I have absolutely nobody to talk to here. I'm from Canada where psychiatry is free, and my guy here is out of network, and insurance is bending over backwards not to pay for anything, but that's a whole other story. Cue the violins! :)
     
  4. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    I loved that last line-cue to the violins. You have a sense of humor and I suspect that you're actually a very interesting and endearing person but you don't believe that and that is a tragedy. It doesn't matter how much privilege you grew up with, how much success you might ever achieve in your career-if you feel hollow inside, if relationships mean nothing to you and you mean nothing to yourself your life is a tragedy. That is my opinion anyway-so you can now feel miserable with just cause and don't let anyone talk you out of it. You have every right to feel beat up emotionally and empty hearted-when you spend every second of your life thinking about ending your life you are not lucky, you are the other side of lucky.

    In answer to your question of why you can't see past your hollow feelings and focus on all of the good things that have happened to you instead-my suspicion is, because you don't feel anymore. You don't feel hope or pride or optimism about anyone or anything-you've killed all of your emotions but not your body. Once again-a tragedy, so feel miserable in earnest because you have a right to be miserable. That is no way to live-it is also not permanent (once again-I am stating my opinion). A different POV is possible-it's hard because you have to take away your ego and your belief that you understand exactly what is happening in your life and why. You don't-you're actually wrong about many important things, things that keep you stuck at the bottom. But they're things that can be augmented and shifted.

    (Another opinion)-I think that you have many qualities that will help you transition to a new way of thinking about yourself and your life. It's all about thought, the things that you believe are true and why. I know a lot about this-PM me if you ever want to discuss it further. As for now-I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time but I also think that you have many wonderful qualities that can help you begin to see life in a different way if you ever want to. I wish you the very best from the bottom of my heart. Good luck-LT
     
  5. LT76

    LT76 New Member

    Thanks LT, I appreciate your time. Knowing I can change and acting on that are different things, still... but it's nice there's a forum here without risk or judgment.