I have the job I wanted (it's hard work, and long hours, but it's the only paid job I've had that gives me any sort of fulfillment). I'm almost 40. I've been single longer than I care to admit, for reasons I haven't properly dealt with. All that's not so important. I'm not taking one of my antidepressant meds because it affects my working memory. I'm showing up to work and getting my job done and people like me well enough. I have good parents. Right now my mother's in the middle of moving her mother into a home, amid much sad and disturbing drama, so I can't ... well she's the only reason I haven't done anything so far (except several attempts, years ago). Now it's her and my dog. I'm just. So. SAD. all the time. And desperately lonely. A partner wouldn't fix this. It's not that kind of thing. I'm just so totally alone. I want to drink - I can't drink because I'm a recovering alcoholic, but I moved recently and can't get into the weird meetings here. This is all stuff I can fix by doing those very simple things but like I said I'm 40 and I'm tired of fixing it. I'm on this forum because I figure I won't be judged ... I hope that's true. I'm not about to do anything. It's just that I could -- very easily -- and I want to all the time. There's no real immediate reason. I have a history of severe recurrent major depression, complex PTSD and generalized anxiety. Doesn't help. Oh well.