• Apologies for the issue with a bizarre redirect on the site earlier today. There was a large server update and an error in an IP address had the traffic routing wrongly. No hacking or anything nefarious and nothing to worry about. Sorry for any stress/anxiety caused. Very best wishes - SF Admin

Can't Stop Thinking About It

MrBlue

SF Supporter
#1
I have become somewhat obsessed with thinking about suicide the last couple days. I think a part of me may be partly sabotaging my recovery from severe depression. I have begun to make progress on methods and locations type of ideation. I feel like I really don't ever want to deal with going back into society and working again, currently unemployed, and this is my solution. I don't believe I will ever truly recover from my depression and feel my old medications (Citalopram & Bupropion) I took for 15 years have messed up my mind. I have begun to just lay in bed all day, which I know is bad, but I have no motivation. I feel like there is nothing left for me in my life, I did it all already and every day feels like a grind...like waiting to die. I read stories of people who died and feel jealous of them.

There...I said it...sorry I wish I could be more positive for you guys. I need to commit to a solution as the present state is not sustainable, something has to give. I need to get up and exercise, get outdoors, work on hobbies, etc., but I lack the energy or desire. The allure of ending the pain is strong, to never have to worry again and stop fighting it.
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#2
I understand this feeling. It's so hard. I think the only advice I feel qualified to give is to force yourself up and out the door for a walk or something like that.

When I was at one of my lowest points, my therapist told me to get up, get dressed like I was going to workout and do something for five minutes (I have an elliptical, so she suggested that). If I still felt like I couldn't do it, that was OK. Just the act of getting up and getting ready was a start. So, that's what I did.

Fresh air helps. If that's not possible, maybe a chore or if you have some equipment at home. Just for a few minutes. It helps.

Hope things turn around for you soon.
 

MrBlue

SF Supporter
#3
Well, I took your advice and took a shower and went for a walk. I think at some point one has to just decide that either I do it or choose not to and get on with life. The ruminating about what I am now calling 'Plan B' is in and of itself very destructive. I think I need to limit my intake of reading about other people's attempts or heavy problems while my mind is so fragile. I found another suicide site that doesn't moderate out the methods and stuff, I see why we don't allow that on SF as it is triggering and destructive. It is super easy to identify with other people, and that can take the form of a positive or negative outcome depending on the moderation.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#4
Well, I took your advice and took a shower and went for a walk. I think at some point one has to just decide that either I do it or choose not to and get on with life. The ruminating about what I am now calling 'Plan B' is in and of itself very destructive. I think I need to limit my intake of reading about other people's attempts or heavy problems while my mind is so fragile. I found another suicide site that doesn't moderate out the methods and stuff, I see why we don't allow that on SF as it is triggering and destructive. It is super easy to identify with other people, and that can take the form of a positive or negative outcome depending on the moderation.
i am proud of you for getting out. i am fighting the trying to sleep all day thing right now and the only way out of it is to just get up and try to be active. you may not ever lose your depression completely but it will get better if you keep trying. it may require meds or therapy but try whatever helps you.

and your age may be contributing to your depression. we start to lose certain things once we hit 50. and i suggest you pick a hobby that excites you. if you can have a passion for something it does help. for me it's my 64 dodge, for you it could be anything. i hope you feel better soon.

mike...*hug*shake
 

MrBlue

SF Supporter
#5
i am proud of you for getting out. i am fighting the trying to sleep all day thing right now and the only way out of it is to just get up and try to be active. you may not ever lose your depression completely but it will get better if you keep trying. it may require meds or therapy but try whatever helps you.

and your age may be contributing to your depression. we start to lose certain things once we hit 50. and i suggest you pick a hobby that excites you. if you can have a passion for something it does help. for me it's my 64 dodge, for you it could be anything. i hope you feel better soon.

mike...*hug*shake
Thanks, Mike

I have felt not so good in my head lately, I think that is what is driving my negative thoughts. I kind of feel like maybe the 30mg of Mirtazapine is too much, I feel out of it. I took half pill last night and slept pretty good, feel clearer in my mind this morning but time will tell. I am going to get up and go for a walk now. I scheduled my appointment with the Ketamine clinic for Monday of next week, that is a consultation. Feel like not much to lose in trying at this point. I do want to get better, but hard when your mind doesn't cooperate. I have hobbies, but I have lost interest in everything right now. Maybe I have to push myself to do stuff--even if I don't want to but that is harder than it sounds.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#6
Thanks, Mike

I have felt not so good in my head lately, I think that is what is driving my negative thoughts. I kind of feel like maybe the 30mg of Mirtazapine is too much, I feel out of it. I took half pill last night and slept pretty good, feel clearer in my mind this morning but time will tell. I am going to get up and go for a walk now. I scheduled my appointment with the Ketamine clinic for Monday of next week, that is a consultation. Feel like not much to lose in trying at this point. I do want to get better, but hard when your mind doesn't cooperate. I have hobbies, but I have lost interest in everything right now. Maybe I have to push myself to do stuff--even if I don't want to but that is harder than it sounds.
sometimes we have to force ourself to get up and get moving. you are doing a great job so keep trying. it may be a good idea to talk to your doctor before you reduce meds. i'm on 45mg of mirtazepine and it helps with little or no side effects. the only side effect is vivid dreams which are almost always good. it could be something else or it could be the mirtazepine so please talk to your doctor. as for hobbies pick the one that excites you the most and concentrate on that. a passion for something does help.

mike...*hug*shake*bravo*stars
 

MrBlue

SF Supporter
#7
it may be a good idea to talk to your doctor before you reduce meds. i'm on 45mg of mirtazepine and it helps with little or no side effects. the only side effect is vivid dreams which are almost always good. it could be something else or it could be the mirtazepine so please talk to your doctor.
Mike--Thanks for chatting with me today, appreciate it. Yeah, I know you are correct on the meds, I should probably take my regular dose again tonight and communicate with my doctor. It may have been something else bugging me, who knows? I seem to go through periods that are better/worse. I sleep better on the half, but that is normal for that medication.

Today is easier because my wife is not working and can spend time with me, even if we are just cleaning house...it helps get me going. I am going to go help clean now...will check in on SF later this evening.
 

SkyTree

Well-Known Member
#8
You're not alone. I'm also struggling to find purpose and connection to God amidst a soul-deadening existence of just working for 8 hours a day. But I know we'll get through it together! Best wishes.
 

BarryW

SF Supporter
#9
Maybe I have to push myself to do stuff--even if I don't want to but that is harder than it sounds.
I understand this struggle, so I know it is very difficult and sometimes feels impossible to want to do anything naturally, instead of having to force myself to do it. Push push push I pushed for years and then got tired of pushing for awhile. Now pushing again. Trying to get somewhere I suppose.

I haven't visited suicide topic sites that allow discussion of 'methods' but I feel like I would agree with you that it would be very bad for me as well to read those kinds of posts.

Glad you were having a better day today. Stay strong. *grouphug2
 

MrBlue

SF Supporter
#10
You're not alone. I'm also struggling to find purpose and connection to God amidst a soul-deadening existence of just working for 8 hours a day. But I know we'll get through it together! Best wishes.
Yes, we will do it together! I can identify with your struggle to connect with God and purpose. I have at times in my life been very spiritual and religious, I am also trying to find a bit of that connection again as I had totally lost it and grown jaded about it altogether.

I felt good enough to watch a movie tonight, it was called "Soul" and it is a Pixar film. Oh my word, I can't believe how hard it hit me, having been through what I have been lately. It is a simple story with a very deep message about life, I was sobbing at the end. Now if I could just carry that message into my life instead of it just being a fun movie and forgetting about it...that is the tricky part, right? I can sit here all day & night with my mind saying how good I have it, how I have made good decisions, how bad things happened that were out of my control, etc., but when depression digs it's teeth in, my mind is not able to rationally think my way out of it. It is like my feelings and emotions short circuit around my mind and just go straight to my reptilian brain or something.
 

MrBlue

SF Supporter
#11
I haven't visited suicide topic sites that allow discussion of 'methods' but I feel like I would agree with you that it would be very bad for me as well to read those kinds of posts.
If you want to find support and help in getting through the pain, not adding fuel to the fire, then you are in the right place. I almost can't believe how fast my mind went down the rabbit hole reading that stuff. I am big on freedom of speech, so I guess glad that information is available as a last resort, but with some reservations. It is kind of like sites that discuss illegal drug use, yeah ideally kids stay away from drugs, but if they choose to do them I would rather they be informed than not.
 
#12
sometimes we have to force ourself to get up and get moving. you are doing a great job so keep trying. it may be a good idea to talk to your doctor before you reduce meds. i'm on 45mg of mirtazepine and it helps with little or no side effects. the only side effect is vivid dreams which are almost always good. it could be something else or it could be the mirtazepine so please talk to your doctor. as for hobbies pick the one that excites you the most and concentrate on that. a passion for something does help.

mike...*hug*shake*bravo*stars
Mike--Thanks for chatting with me today, appreciate it. Yeah, I know you are correct on the meds, I should probably take my regular dose again tonight and communicate with my doctor. It may have been something else bugging me, who knows? I seem to go through periods that are better/worse. I sleep better on the half, but that is normal for that medication.

Today is easier because my wife is not working and can spend time with me, even if we are just cleaning house...it helps get me going. I am going to go help clean now...will check in on SF later this evening.
 
#13
i can under stand the feelings you have i have them too i work with elderly people and help them it helps me to keep my mind off of killing myself and i dont think my meds are helping i have been missing alot of work lately i dont know what to do from here i dont know what to do i cant trust anyone or talk to anyone about how i feel i found this site hoping to find people who feel the way i do am i a lone IN THE DARK
 

MrBlue

SF Supporter
#14
i can under stand the feelings you have i have them too i work with elderly people and help them it helps me to keep my mind off of killing myself and i dont think my meds are helping i have been missing alot of work lately i dont know what to do from here i dont know what to do i cant trust anyone or talk to anyone about how i feel i found this site hoping to find people who feel the way i do am i a lone IN THE DARK
I hope you are doing alright, I am glad you joined us here on SF. It is a good community where you can find people to chat with and share your thoughts and feelings without having to worry so much about trust. SF has a lot good people who understand and are going through some of the same things you are. Welcome!
 

MrBlue

SF Supporter
#15
Sorry I didn't update for so long, went through a really tough stretch where I was seriously on the edge. Since I quit posting I went so far as to build a kit to CTB, left the house and drove out to the country with intent to use it...but something stopped me. I felt this sort of peaceful calm come over me and I drove home. Since then, had regrets about not doing it, drove part way and turned back one more time after having a meltdown on the side of the road...then decided that if I can't do it I need to stop thinking about it. I quit going to both forums, at my low point I was pretty active on the other one which is more pro-choice, but figured I would no longer go to either to avoid triggers. I guess I feel like I should update you all as this is a great community and it has helped me a lot. I should also say that there are a lot of good people on the other forum too. We are all just a bunch of hurting people living in a difficult world and trying to help each other out as best we can. I am still not out of the darkness yet, but on a new path to recovery and making some progress. New doctor, new meds, more counseling, etc.

Wishing the SF community peace and love this evening. And let's all get some dang sleep tonight for a change!!!!! *thumbsup

*grouphug2
 

Gert

Well-Known Member
#17
Hey there MrBlue,

As your online armchair psychiatrist, I prescribe you a daily walk. I have been walking for close to fifteen years now and I can't recommend it highly enough. No matter the weather, you don't have to shower or dress up, just go outside and walk. Breathe the fresh air, look around, feel your body moving and how it is a part of this world. I also love the movie Soul, and I was wondering if you have seen The Shawshank Redemption? If not please do, I find it really helps with keeping perspective and hope. Love and strength<3
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#18
Hey there MrBlue,

As your online armchair psychiatrist, I prescribe you a daily walk. I have been walking for close to fifteen years now and I can't recommend it highly enough. No matter the weather, you don't have to shower or dress up, just go outside and walk. Breathe the fresh air, look around, feel your body moving and how it is a part of this world. I also love the movie Soul, and I was wondering if you have seen The Shawshank Redemption? If not please do, I find it really helps with keeping perspective and hope. Love and strength<3
i think that's a great idea except one thing. if he goes for a walk he may want to dress at least a little unless he lives in a very permissive community lol.

mike...*hug*shake
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#19
i am glad that you are doing better. if you can please destroy the method and throw it away, if you have it you could use it in a temporary bad moment. i also joined that pro-choice site but left a long time ago. it can be very triggering especially when you are not doing well. i hope you continue to get better.

mike...*hug*shake
 

MrBlue

SF Supporter
#20
i am glad that you are doing better. if you can please destroy the method and throw it away, if you have it you could use it in a temporary bad moment. i also joined that pro-choice site but left a long time ago. it can be very triggering especially when you are not doing well. i hope you continue to get better.

mike...*hug*shake
I don't think I am quite there yet with destroying my method. I wish I was over the hump, but still considering it as I don't want to live a life in never ending mental pain and bad side effects. I keep trying and coming up a little short, I haven't given up yet but there are days when it still gives me comfort having a backup plan on hand, I dunno I guess it is like a security blanket. It is good to chat with you again, I appreciate your replies.

I look forward to the day when I can let it go, with no reservations, but just being totally honest with you as I respect you too much to b.s. you.

*hiding
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$255.00
Goal
$255.00
Top