I feel totally worthless. I see all the other posts on here from people who have real problems and feel like I should man up and get done what i need to do, but the harder I try the more I think about suicide, or I do stupid shit that is likely to put me in a place where I will have no other option. I've been doing a lot of research on methods and end up getting so into the science that I forget I was looking for a way to end myself. Too bad I'm not a pharmacy student, or else I might actually be getting some of my homework done. God that's so weird, on the one hand I am looking for the most efficient way to end it but on the other I am worried about my assignments. I feel like I should be thankful for my good luck but subjectively there is so much pain. I am starting to feel tired of it. I start to get better and then the meds stop working or life gets too stressful or whatever and I have to keep myself away from sharp things. Why am I even trying?