Can't stop thinking about it

[Nick_K]

I feel totally worthless. I see all the other posts on here from people who have real problems and feel like I should man up and get done what i need to do, but the harder I try the more I think about suicide, or I do stupid shit that is likely to put me in a place where I will have no other option. I've been doing a lot of research on methods and end up getting so into the science that I forget I was looking for a way to end myself. Too bad I'm not a pharmacy student, or else I might actually be getting some of my homework done.

God that's so weird, on the one hand I am looking for the most efficient way to end it but on the other I am worried about my assignments. I feel like I should be thankful for my good luck but subjectively there is so much pain. I am starting to feel tired of it. I start to get better and then the meds stop working or life gets too stressful or whatever and I have to keep myself away from sharp things. Why am I even trying?

 

[Savsta]

welcome , you pretty much just described my situation , and how i feel , have you tried therapy at all ? , what exactly has got you feeling like this ? its a safe place to talk here nobody will judge you. can you talk to anyone about how you feel ? or just find it hard ? , here if you need to talk just pm me , hope your alright and try and stay strong

 

[Petal]

you're trying because you have a will to live. A part of you wants to be alive thats why you're here. keep talking if it helps x

 

[Nick_K]

Thanks, it's helpful to know I'm not the only one. I'm in therapy and on meds.
Initially meds helped and therapist did too, but things have taken a turn for the worse and neither one is interested in adjusting the approach since I can at least show up for an appointment.

About the reason, I have these thoughts bouncing around my head telling me to kill myself. I also have certain images that come to mind which I can't explain. Sometimes the meds make them stop but then they come back with some stronger friends. Yes I have a will to live, and I think these thoughts are not literal as in I don't really want to die but I need some kind of change that I cannot see right now. It's very hard figuring it out though and right now it would certainly be easier to take them literally.

 

[Savsta]

well i know exactly what you mean about the therapy and the meds they too have worn off me at the past , however my gp had no problems with changing the medication i was on , i dont see why yours wouldnt do the same ? maybe try a different doctor ?

you say you have thoughts jumping around in your head, but is there anything making that happen ? or do they just pop in and out for no real reason ?

im happy to hear that you have a will to live , i cant say that i do at the moment , so be gratefull for that atleast however i do feel for you it sounds like your quite confused at the moment , do you have any close friends or family you can talk too ?

hope your alright , just try and stay strong

 

[Nick_K]

Sorry you're not feeling a will to live, I think you're at least doing something by being here. I hope you're at least staying safe.

My current shrink is just tinkering with the dosages or using a stronger med in the same class, but that's just causing me more side effects on top of symptoms getting worse. I'm trying to find a new one right now.

The thoughts seem to be brought on by stress but they are not related to any events past or present. Mostly they are images related to methods.

I don't want to talk about this to anyone close. I don't want to burden them with worrying about me if I don't do it, and I don't want them to feel guilty for not stopping me if I do go through with it.

 

[SuperMoon]

Mostly they are images related to methods.

This sounds like what I do and if it helps, sometimes I have to tell myself
out loud to "Stop."
These thoughts become cyclical and I find myself trying to do things to distract myself, even if it's something as mundane as brushing my teeth or cleaning.

Hope you keep posting.
I like the way you think re: other posts, esp. re: philosophy.

Hang in there :lone:

 

[Nick_K]

Mostly they are images related to methods.
This sounds like what I do and if it helps, sometimes I have to tell myself
out loud to "Stop."

Hope you keep posting.
I like the way you think re: other posts, esp. re: philosophy.

Hang in there :lone:

Thanks. I never know if I'm being annoying with all my philosophical stuff. I've used thought stopping before and I should use it more often. I need to get better at it because sometimes I fight myself over what thoughts I "should" be having. Will try distraction. I know that doing something manually usually gets me out of my head and calms me down.