This is my first post so sorry for jumping into the deep stuff so soon but I feel like I need to talk about this asap First a little back story. I've struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide since my teens and have seriously attempted suicide once. The last 4 years I've had it pretty much under control and was going through life as functional as one can. Then earlier this month I started having feelings for a girl who I played music with. She felt the same way and we started talking a lot and had a few lunches. Nothing really happened. The problem here is we both already have relationships. Well after a few weeks our partners found out and there was hell to pay. I broke things off with the girl and we decided not to play music together and I went to work trying to make things right with my partner. Later I find out the girl's boyfriend has started acting violent and abusive towards her since finding out about what happened so I tried staying in touch making sure she was ok and providing a little support so she wouldn't feel alone. My partner finds out I'm still talking to her and we have a big fight and now this is where I am. I feel like I've lost control of my life, like every decision I make will end up hurting someone and the depression has come in big time. I have lost all real emotion or feeling and its a heavy struggle to fake it at work or when talking to friends or family. I don't have any support because everyone thinks I'm some big slime ball cheater. Which to some degree I am I guess but no one even knows what even happened between me and this girl. They just fill in the missing pieces with whatever they want to believe. Last night instead of sleeping my mind began reverting to suicidal thoughts and plotting out how and where to do it and it's mostly the only thing I think of anymore. My mind is consumed with sadness guilt and suicidal thoughts. I'm hoping that if I talk about it here I can get past this latest rough patch and then I can get my life back in order.