Can't stop thinking about suicide

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Chrim risk, Dec 29, 2015.

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  1. Chrim risk

    Chrim risk New Member

    This is my first post so sorry for jumping into the deep stuff so soon but I feel like I need to talk about this asap

    First a little back story. I've struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide since my teens and have seriously attempted suicide once. The last 4 years I've had it pretty much under control and was going through life as functional as one can.

    Then earlier this month I started having feelings for a girl who I played music with. She felt the same way and we started talking a lot and had a few lunches. Nothing really happened. The problem here is we both already have relationships. Well after a few weeks our partners found out and there was hell to pay. I broke things off with the girl and we decided not to play music together and I went to work trying to make things right with my partner.

    Later I find out the girl's boyfriend has started acting violent and abusive towards her since finding out about what happened so I tried staying in touch making sure she was ok and providing a little support so she wouldn't feel alone. My partner finds out I'm still talking to her and we have a big fight and now this is where I am.

    I feel like I've lost control of my life, like every decision I make will end up hurting someone and the depression has come in big time. I have lost all real emotion or feeling and its a heavy struggle to fake it at work or when talking to friends or family. I don't have any support because everyone thinks I'm some big slime ball cheater. Which to some degree I am I guess but no one even knows what even happened between me and this girl. They just fill in the missing pieces with whatever they want to believe.

    Last night instead of sleeping my mind began reverting to suicidal thoughts and plotting out how and where to do it and it's mostly the only thing I think of anymore. My mind is consumed with sadness guilt and suicidal thoughts. I'm hoping that if I talk about it here I can get past this latest rough patch and then I can get my life back in order.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, of course you can talk about your feelings here. Honestly in my opinion people will assume you're cheating/sleeping with someone if you are lying about not talking to them. My sister recently broke up with her boyfriend because he didn't allow her to talk to men so that just shows you how people think. I think you can reverse this by just being honest and open and explaining you were genuinely scared for this girl. You can still make it right. I am glad you have joined us here and shared your story as we do understand, welcome and good luck.
  3. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    It's understandable why she would jump to these conclusions given that you cut out contact with the girl you had feelings for so that you could make things work with your partner. Obviously your partner doesn't know the full story, or if she does I think you need to be able to explain it to her when you both are more open and ready to listen because otherwise she will just feel like you are up to something with the other girl. It's great that you are trying to give support, I just feel you are in a difficult situation. You are doing the right thing, don't get me wrong, but it's not an easy place to be. I suppose you could try going a more official route with emergency services/police if she is being physically abused. Also, if you are still in contact with her then you need to convince her to get out of the relationship as soon as possible. If you are able to do any of those things you will be helping out loads. Hope things work out for you.
  4. Chrim risk

    Chrim risk New Member

    Everything I've done up to this point has just made things worse so I don't feel I should interfere any further. The less I interact with other people the less I make a mess of things. It is best for all parties for me to just leave them alone
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