Can't stop thinking of suicide

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Butterfly, Jun 1, 2015.

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  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    As time goes on, the more I think about it, and the more serious I become about doing it. The more I get into therapy, the more I learn about the world, the more I realise that my efforts at normality are futile. I don't want to live if I just have to "cope" and learn to deal with my illness the best I can. It is not living, it is merely existing. I don't want to just exist. I think about it more and more every day and I am certain that one day I will just decide enough is enough. I don't know when that day will be yet, but it will come.
  2. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I feel pretty much the same. My mind isn't sharp the way that it used to be and I feel confused all of the time. I used to be really smart, but now I just stare at things and feel like a zombie. It really sucks and I think about dying all of the time as well. I get no enjoyment out of life anymore. Every day that I keep living is just more misery. People have told me to accept my illness and move on, but I can't. My illness is on my mind constantly. I really do want to die, but I just don't have the resources or courage to do anything about it. I'm sorry that you are suffering and wish you the best.
  3. whoamiboo

    whoamiboo Active Member

    Do you have OCD? My thoughts of suicide are constant but my p-doc feels these are more OCD problems. She just put me on Prozac again to help with my thoughts. I will say it has helped a lil but the thoughts and impulse are still there.
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I don't have a formal diagnosis of OCD but my therapist has hinted at it and have worked with him to try and combat the OCD tendencies. The suicidal thoughts I get aren't like my OCD thoughts, they feel very different to me. For me if I don't do certain things or follow certain routines I am convinced something bad will happen.
  5. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    It is so strange. Butterfly, some would look at your life and be envious. A new home, a fiancee, a good job that contributes to the welfare of others. But they can't crawl into your heart, mind and soul and really understand how you you could possibly want to end it all. I know that people look at my life and can't really understand how I would like mine to end. And to end soon. Like tonight. It seems we are only able to scratch the surface when it comes to understanding what is really going on in a person's life. I guess we are rather shallow in that sense. But maybe it is just really beyond our ability to truly understand the pain others are feeling.

    What I do know is that I really like you. I really care about you. I would be devastated if you took your own life. And I am confident that many others feel the same way. I don't know if it will ever get better for you. I don't know if it will ever get better for me. But I do know, that if we end things now, we will never find out. Please don't deprive yourself of the opportunity to find out.
  6. Bruces

    Bruces Well-Known Member

    I feel exactly the same as you I'm not interested in just coping,I want to lead a full normal life or just not bother
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I hope today is a better day for you Lexi. Constant thoughts of suicide are no fun, you must keep working with those giving you help and be brutally honest. I care about you :hugs:

    I used to have constant suicidal thoughts, it took over my life, my mental health went down the drain, you can recover from this even if it doesn't feel that way right now. If there is anything I can do please let me know.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 2, 2015
  8. Zaheer

    Zaheer Account Closed

  9. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Thanks for the replies guys, I really appreciate your time and words.

    I will continue my therapy, I will continue to accept any other form of therapy and help I may be offered and I will take my medication and keep my appointments (the last two I am not so great at but I do try when I am semi well). I will give myself every opportunity to find out if my life will take a different turn. I wish I could shake of these thoughts and feelings, but they just don't feel like thoughts and feelings anymore. It feels like it is inevitable and a certainty. I feel oddly calm about it all. And I know that when I am calm, it means I should be worried. I am considering ringing my psych about it as I am also suffering with other things right now, just need to pluck up the courage to do so. I have therapy tomorrow so maybe I will talk about it, if I can.
  10. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    Hi Butterfly -

    I think a lot of us can relate to your words. For so many years I have clung to the belief that there has to be something more to life than barely existing...but what if, for some of us, there isn't?
  11. Starting Over

    Starting Over Active Member

    Hi Butterfly,

    I have been where you are many times. And I agree-achieving normality in your life may not be realistic depending on the severity of your mental state. But that doesn't mean you can't learn to live life in a different way. Or you may begin to derive "meaning" from different experiences than before. But in order to explore these possibilities, you have to remain alive. And as you already know, there are lots of people who you can reach out to online if you ever question that :) Feel free to message me if you are ever in doubt. I hope your appointment goes well!
  12. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I am feeling a bit better since I posted this thread. I am still suffering from racing thoughts and my agitation seems to have turned into hypomania again blah so this means I will no doubt switch at any point again. I guess I am just frustrated that even if I do get my illness under control, I am always going to be at risk of relapse, especially as stressful events tend to flare up an episode, whether that's mania or depression. I just don't want my life to be living in fear of when the next episode or relapse is going to be. I did have a good 6 or so months of stability last year where I did feel like I was beginning to achieve normality, but again, I went through some very stressful events and changes, and voila it flared up some psychosis and I stopped taking my meds and here I am writing this post. I just feel powerless at times and the therapy I have received has been invaluable and is definitely helping me change how I cope with things, but again, it's learning how to cope, not get rid of. I understand I can't get rid of this illness but I don't want to just "cope" for the rest of my life. That's why I know that one day, I will just say enough is enough and I will do the inevitable. I still feel like my suicide will be inevitable. Whether that is next week, or in 50 years time, I know I will be responsible for my own death. For the moment I will "cope" and make every effort to keep myself stable.
  13. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Are you doing things to work towards things you want to do with your life? And doing things you enjoy? A significant part is growing yourself and directing your energy towards things in the moment and future. Cycling just gets in the way of doing that, and eventually you start defining it more and more. It's still 'growing' in one sense, but it's the worst area to be allowing yourself to focus and grow. Eventually you have to combat that so you can identify your own traits, resist them, and allow yourself to breathe and be free of your own focused definitions.

    Anyhow just my point of view.. I know it's always hard to relate. Just make sure you allow yourself to realize that it's just A Point Of View. It's not Everything. And quite actually in any moment, you can connect and resist to whatever you want. Coping imo is not enough. I find defending yourself and dissolving bullshit is better, then taking charge. Gently or however it needs to be done for a situation. Eventually you become stronger.

    I hope you're feeling better :) Stay strong.
  14. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Yes, I am working towards things I want to do with my life, mainly work related but it's something I really enjoy so it doesn't necessarily feel like "work" to me. I've been qualified as a nurse for 3 years now and since I qualified I have worked on an acute medicine for the elderly ward. It's not a ward just for dementia patients, we treat a whole range of different medical conditions which tend to affect the elderly such as UTI's, pneumonia (and aspiration pneumonia which is associated with progression of dementia), heart failure, acute coronary syndrome, COPD flare ups, infected wounds, cellulitis, cancers, palliative care and many other medical conditions, I have literally seen all sorts whilst working on my ward. I know a little bit about everything rather than everything about one speciality and that is what I like because I do see something new every day. But obviously, the majority of the patients we do get are also diagnosed with dementia, all at different stages, all with different types and as it affects people in different ways it makes caring for them extremely difficult, especially if they have delirium on top of this. Hospital wards are terrible environments with patients with dementia and I am working towards improving care for patients with dementia and/or delirium on the wards. On our ward we have implemented supervised bays, so when we get patients with a high risk of falling who are confused who can't understand that they are too unsteady to walk, we have staff watching that bay all the time to reduce the risk of falls. Whilst we are sat in there, we do literally everything for those patients, try and do activities with them to keep them occupied, even if it's just chatting with them. We have significantly reduced our falls numbers from an average of about 15 a month to 3 or 4 a month, and the ones we do get are normally independent patients who have a trip in the bathroom or new patients where we don't know them. Some wards are having significantly more falls a month and because we have significantly reduced our falls numbers, it is now being rolled out in the trust and we now have official assessments to have supervised bays, which entitles us to extra staff. While reducing the falls rates we are also being more person centred. I am trying my best to individualise care for patients with dementia and trying to implement their normal routines into hospital life. We have a few wandering patients at the moment and have had some staff say to me "why aren't they being supervised" but these particular patients are really steady on their feet and they just like to walk and keep busy. I had one lady doing the washing up and kept giving her plates and cups to wash and she was also folding bedsheets and blankets because she was a house wife and that's what she did to keep busy. I have had ex secretary's so we have had them sorting out paperwork and they have made us our admission packs so while it keeps them busy and occupied it saves us a job haha. I even had a few that have answered the ward phones (they weren't supposed to lol) but sometimes you just have to let them get on with it. I have been on extra training and I have just registered to be a dementia friends champion with the Alzeimer's Society so I can recruit Dementia Friends and improve awareness of dementia so people are more mindful. I can do this in or out of work and I am looking forward to doing it. I also teach a best practice in dementia care course at work which is actually accredited and I absolutely love it. I also have another girl at work who is also going to be a dementia champion and we are going to work together to transform the care of dementia. I want to achieve the best care possible and I would love to see it rolled out on other wards in the hospital and maybe in other trusts too. It will be a long slog, because people are resistant to change, but it is something I really want to do. I have my boss' backing so it will be possible (hopefully, fingers crossed). That is my biggest goal I want to work towards and no doubt it will keep me busy.

    But I suppose all of this benefits other people rather than myself. It will keep me busy and focused but has the potential to flare up a bipolar cycle, but it will give me a great deal of satisfaction so that's a good thing. I don't really know if there's anything else I am working towards. I am losing a bit of weight, and I could do with more exercise so there is always that I guess. But even though I am working towards my goals, I cannot shake this uncertainty inside of me. I cannot shake off the fact that I am merely "coping". Although I get satisfaction from what I do, and I am proud of what I do, I just have this empty void inside of me that is just not being filled. This void is so painful and I can't seem to fill it, even with my goals and dreams, it doesn't seem to be enough.
  15. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    That's quite admirable and it sounds like you're doing amazing work :)

    I suppose I was meaning more towards You though. I think you sorta understand it in your own way perhaps. A "void" is in one sense a time when you want to be doing or experiencing something. Even something as simple as a feeling.
    You've probably heard all the variations of how to approach it. But I think it involves a degree of inner peace and desire for things in life. There's work, and the amazing things you can do in your position. And there is also You and Life. Looking forward to something, and actively doing something to reach that goes along way, especially if you can make room for it a day.
    I think alot of peace inside is building yourself up, and experiencing things in life that really interest yourself. Though that is pretty generic, looking for what makes you feel energized and lets you breathe life freely is pretty important. Perhaps you are filling a great deal of your life :) But you're still looking to touch with something else aswell to help energize your rhythm? Idk. I know though that exercise makes "sense" health wise. But sometimes that can feel like a chore instead of something you enjoy doing, and positively motiviate/push yourself as youre doing it(which would help in a satisfaction sort of way). You can tie things together, like if you enjoy or wanted to do something that requires a degree of physical fitness, use that as a reason for why you do exercises.
    From what you've said, I think it revolves a bit around that question of what you really want to feel/experience. Even gentle exploration of what that could be for you can be very helpful, because it allows you to appreciate that it's something. Even if it's beyond something that can be formed into words atm. That subtle connection can in some sense help to fill that void if it feels right.
    Even if not, a void can be an ok feeling. It simply lets you know, ok, everything can take a step back for a moment. That in that moment, you are wanting something... so maybe try to relax, be kind to yourself and let yourself ease into what that may be. Though ofcourse if you've got some identified cycles of thoughts/feelings, it does help to know how to identify them rapidly, maintain your own calmness and defend yourself, from that. Sort of like protecting yourself, and your desire to explore your own self. Self destructive negative thoughts shift focus so dramatically that in essence they steal your focus from what you're truly connecting with. So defending yourself is maintaining a focus on what is important to you, and defining/limiting the negativity that tries to surround you(which is a facade imo, but a convincing one once it gets a momentary foothold).

    Idk I could be off base with all of this. I guess the summary is, make sure you are happy outside of work :) Do things that have a focus completely on their own that you enjoy. That way you can enjoy something free of work, and return to work and enjoy it for every reason you have :)
  16. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    You could be right in the sense that I probably need to be taking better care of myself. I do enjoy my dementia work and improving things at work, and when I do my champion training I can do talks outside of work and visit schools, workplaces, communities etc and I know I will enjoy that. I do have a habit of putting other people first, then get disappointed when they don't put me first, or even consider me sometimes. One hobby that I would like to get into is card making and crafting. Funnily enough I discovered this at work lol when I did card making with the patients. We made Easter cards and they sent them to their families and some of them made one for the staff on the ward. But I really enjoyed it so maybe I can get more into it and maybe make a bit of money on the side. I'm also not really a massive fan of exercise, but I do enjoy swimming and going for walks. I just get so exhausted from work that I am either too tired to go or can't be bothered to go.

    I am getting better at recognising cycles and triggers and making sense of it. My judgement sometimes lapses when it escalates quickly into a mixed episode and it gets even worse when psychosis is involved. Also a few months ago I stopped going to all my appointments and stopped my meds because I was severely depressed and didn't see the point of getting help as I felt that I was not worth it and thought that was the best way to self destruct (and I did a good job of that). I have got myself back on the right track now and I will try to keep it that way. I really need to get better at reaching out for help professionally when I am reaching crisis point. I always think about it, and I have picked up that phone, and I want to do it, but something always stops me. Sometimes it's the fear that if I am really suicidal, and they don't listen or help I will fly off into a rage and attempt suicide. I have done it in the past. Sometimes I don't know why I don't do it. But I need to start being more pro active. It's just learning how to get better at it. I have thought about it before, but I am thinking of asking whether I would meet the criteria for a CPN. I think I would find it a lot easier to contact them when shit hits the fan, then they can tailor the number of visits they need to make based on my state of mind. It's also easier access to get the meds I need and someone I can offload to. My new psych has also encouraged me to contact him if things aren't great. I never got this from my old psych, so I am considering phoning him next week if things don't improve or get worse again. I am really good at being self destructive, but really bad at looking after myself and being assertive and pro-active. When it's for other people I will not take any shit, but when it's for me, I just get trampled over or don't feel worth it.
  17. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    I think when it comes to proper medical structure, it sounds like you know of what sort of framework would work best with you.

    As far as being self destructive... I tend to understand that. I know for example I can't touch with or be a part of certain things with people or parts of life. Yet I completely want them. I refuse to give up, on some commitment that maybe I can be someone other than what I am. But it's rather difficult and I know exactly what destroys me, simply because it's more or less the truth. I can go from focused and feeling free, to... absolutely defined, chained and essentially snuffing the life out of myself. I guess we are all experts in our own ability to trigger those routes that harm ourselves.

    I can sorta understand putting people first. I find it rather frustrating. I consider myself slow when it comes to peoples rhythm and I tend to try and put people first. That combination is rather unassertive so I tend to shut down myself more and feel more placed rather than directing. Which is ugly imo. It takes away from my own confidence in myself, which inadvertently affects my ability to perceive and connect with better parts of life. It's not exactly an immediate effect, but it's one of those tainting the water sort of things. A slow process to overcome because it's riddled with alot of things to work one, while keeping a focus that's difficult sometimes. But, you know.. Rome wasn't built in a day. And it's worth it fix the ''simple'' things.

    It's tough to keep going at things, especially when each day offers a myriad of feelings and situations that can interfere with your own positive flow.
    Talking obviously helps :) Talking, and figuring out why so you can proactively .. grow I guess. Alot of problems show up again. Different faces, but similar styles and impact. I think the more you truly respect how you feel and think, the more you can strengthen yourself, and essentially empower yourself to seek out the positive things in life that you want :) Just keep at it, and treat yourself to You time :D I know it's tough, sometimes I get the time, but my mind feels compressed so everything else is still sorta "there". Not sure if that's up your alley, but if anything is getting in the way of you being able to enjoy your own moments, just remember it's something you can overcome. :)

    I hope you're doing better now in anycase.
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