cant stop worrying PLEASE HELP! (some graphic description)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by alice_0, May 12, 2010.

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  1. alice_0

    alice_0 Active Member

    Hi, i havent been on in a long time. there has been so much going on. i just dont understand whats happening to me anymore. it all started at the end of february. i got an infection(yeast infection) at first i didnt know what it was and i thought i had an std or something. then, after that cleared up, i got a bv infection. i have been tested for chlamydia and ghonnorea and had a herpes culture done. ALL have come back negative. which is good, but i still cant stop worrying. as soon as i stop worrying about one thing, i start worrying about something else. now that i know i dont have any of those im starting to worry i have syphillus or hiv/aids or something. im not even really sure why. i've just had one thing right after the next.
    not to mention, i used to smoke marijuana. had since last february. it really helped things, it helped me calm down, helped me with my appetite (a lotta the time im just not hungry) and i honestly just felt all over better when i would smoke every now and then. well at the end of february as well, another wierd thing happened. when i would smoke, at first, just my right leg would hurt, and now if i smoke, the entire right side of my body hurts! its scary! the doctors dont really have an answer either. and it doesnt just hurt when im high, it hurts for days after! sometimes for over a week!
    the chiropractor/doctor i went to about a week ago said this could be from overstimulation of the right side of my brain (the emotional side) and understimulation of the left side (the logical side). so ive stopped smoking (obviosly) and he suggested doing logic puzzles for about 15min everyday. i guess it will be a while before things balance out, but its just so hard.
    Ever since february it seems like i cant go a single week or almost a single day even and feel okay. i just want to feel like i used to, i just want my body to feel better, which is why i guess ive been worried about hiv/aids or something!
    so im going to get tested for EVERYTHING today, but im really scared. the thing is though, my boyfriend is the first i've ever been with, and im the first he has ever been with (yes i know that for sure!) but i cant stop worrying. the gyno prescribed me medicine to clear up the bv (not to mention it took 2 months and 3 different gynos to even diagnose it!) and it seemed to clear up. but me and my boyfriend have started having sex again, and we're using condoms. we never did before because i was on birth control, (i stopped taking it a month ago, because i started worrying about all the risks it can cause and would literally cry evey time i took it and i felt like with every pill i was killing myself) and now the irritation, some burning and itching is back. i dont think its a latex allergy, because i use latex gloves at work and the only thing that happens is my hands get really dry. i guess it could be from the lubricant....i just dont know.
    It just seems like nothing is ever right! i've also had a lot of mouth irritation latly! i've had canker sores, dry patches, and little tears all over my mouth, especially on the right side! i saw the dentist and he said its just canker sores and irritation from grinding my teeth and chewing my the inside of my cheeks and tongue. im still worried though. i cant even give my boyfriend oral sex anymore, cause every time i do, it irritates my mouth and makes my throat feel all gunky.
    I just dont know what to do! I've already spent almost $1000 going to doctors and the emergency room already! i cant keep going, but things keep going wrong!
    Every day i think about dying! every day i get so scared that i have something that is killing me, like cancer or a brain tumor or an std! sometimes i dont even want to go to sleep cause im afraid that i will go to sleep and die in my sleep or wake up paralyzed or something.
    my mom keeps telling me im just a hypochondriac! i know that i might be but i cant afford to go to a therapist, and she wont help me with money, and i cant pay for it myself! im trying to save money to move out because my home situation is just making things worse. I had nearly $3000 saved up, but now barely have $2000. everything is just going wrong and things just keep gettign worse! i dont know what to do anymore.
    i just want to be able to feel okay again, i dont think that's too much to ask, but apparently it is.
    im so scared of dying, and i think about it everyday. it makes me so sad and so scared. i dont know if i believe in God or in heavin. i dont really know what i believe in. i dont want to die, i dont want to be sick, i want to be able to do the things i used to do, like have fun and smoke a little weed now and again and have sex with my boyfriend without thinking im going to die or get some disease!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    how can i get things back to the way they used to be? i just dont know how to help myself, and there is nothing anyone else seems to be able to do. my boyfriend has been very supportive, and is always there for me when i want to talk. but i dont want to be worrying all the time and putting all my worries on him, and i dont want him to think i think he is sick or he has something, but i just cant help it. i dont know how her would have anything, like i said, we were both virgins when we first slept together, and neither of us have been with anyone else. im just so scared and so worried all the time and its just one thing after the next and i dont have the money to keep going to the doctor or to go to a therapist, and soon its lookign like im not going to have enough money to move out.
    my life feels like its collapsing! plz anyone! if anyone can give me any insight into what is going on with my body or what i should do, plz help!
     
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