i can't stop thinking about the past. there are a few specific moments that i would give anything to just NOT do. i'm so embarrassed by them that they make me want to give up. but they're stupid things that shouldn't make someone want to die. i think the biggest problem is i keep worrying about the guy i like. i feel like i let him down because it probably embarrassed him more than it did me. and that kills me because i like him. i keep thinking that maybe its one of the reasons he won't go out with me. i was just fucking stupid and high off of him... he made me feel so good that i began to act so stupidly... i felt so confused because i was feeling suicidal and yet in a short amount of time he made me feel like i was rolling. mixing the two felt so weird. i wish. i wish. i wish... i could take it back but my brain won't let it go. there's no point in dwelling on it because it was months ago... how long does it take to get over an embarrassing moment?