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Can't Take Anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by louise, Dec 8, 2010.

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  1. louise

    louise New Member

    Hi guys,
    I'm 20 and on the surface dont have alot to be down about. I first cut myself when i was about 13, its been on and off since then but over the past year its become a regular way of dealing with things. I xxxxx i aquired from work. My boyfriend knows and has threatened to tell my mom many times. I don't think he ever will though. At the beginning of the year my mom was diagnosed with hep c, she is 50% to liver faliure and it turned out my sisters and i were at risk (apparently a real small one) of having contracted it while she was pregnant. We all got tested and it turned out i was free from the virus but my 2 sisters did have it. Now they are all waiting to have liver biopsy's and commence 12 months of chemo each. I know im not ill myself, but im filled with dread when i think of the 12 months we have ahead of us. How am i going to look after them when i dont even want to live myself? I have no one to talk to, my boyfriend just says 'it will be ok' and theres no way i can seek support from my mom or sisters. My dads a serial cheat and left us when i was 4 and continues to swan in and out of our lives at his leisure. I'm failing uni as i cant concentrate and my relationships spiraling into a rut of arguments. Ive cut myself off from my friends as i cant listen to their petty clothing or hair problems when im contemplating suicide but too chicken to do it because i dont want to make things harder for my mom and sisters. I know ive clearly go a problem but i cant bear the thought of going to my doctor. I feel like people will just think im attention seeking if i try to get help. All i do is day dream about how id kill myself and when im going to do it etc etc, and when im not doing that, im the definition of happiness. I cant control my mood im up and down and totally unpredictable. I dont know what to do or how to handle my own thoughts.
    Sorry to ramble, but does anyone else feel like this and have you sought help?
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 9, 2010
  2. Caster

    Caster Well-Known Member

    Maybe someone else can help more because I haven't been in a similar situation, but one thing I do know is that things can get better. Please don't kill yourself. Death is permanent and your sisters may never develop hepatitis C. I know it's hard to think long-term but things can change for us slowly overtime for the better.

    I'm really sorry to hear about your mom, and your dad being in and out. Have you been to a psychologist? If not, that could greatly help.

    Feel free to PM me anytime.
  3. louise

    louise New Member

    Thanks for trying to keep positive but they already have it. I wish i could take it for them, i dont even want to be alive and all the people i love are battling TO stay alive. I've not seen a psychologist, no. I dont know how it works in regards to getting referred to one though. I'm going to buy things for a back up plan tomorrow, for when im ready.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    This is the time to not cut off those who are true friends..people who think you are seeking attention, are not! and that is what we are here for...let us know how we can support you in this difficult time...so sorry about your sisters and your mother, but glad you are OK...big hugs
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Call your doctor get a referal to a therapist who can help you deal with all the pain and sadness Ask you doctor to help you maybe antidepressant would help Your family needs you so hang in here okay talk to us were listening we care.
  6. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Hi Louise,
    You're dealing with an awful lot for someone who is only 20. You don't say what country you're in though, which would be helpful from an advice point of view.
    Firstly whether it looks as though you have nothing to be down about on the surface, is immaterial when it comes to mental health issues. We can have lives that are perfectly fine yet still fall into deep and agonising depressions.
    It's an illness and whilst issues such as money worries etc may act as stressors which trigger the illness, the illness doesn't go away if they're not there.
    It sounds as if you may have a form of Bipolar Disorder but to get a proper diagnosis you're going to have to go and see your doctor.
    You need to go soon because the forthcoming year is going to be very stressful for your family and you're going to need extra support.
    You will have to make it clear to your Doctor that you've been feeling like this for a number of years though. Otherwise, he'll treat you for 'reactive' depression because he'll think it's a result of the bad news that your family has had.
    Your doctor is not going to think that you're attention seeking. If he's any good, he'll arrange for you to take some anti depressants and also for you to see a psychologist. The psychologist will help you with therapy and give you a safe space to rant and get angry or cry or whatever you need to do. You are definitely going to need this support so please go straight to your doctor.
    This is a horrible illness, it takes over our thoughts and our intentions and our emotions. It makes us believe things which aren't true, particularly with regards to our own self esteem.
    It is possible to deal with this illness though. It's not easy and it takes a lot of work but you can learn how to deal with it.
    Please go and see your doctor. Plus carry on posting on here. We can help you with coping strategies and stuff like that.
    You're not alone in suffering the way you do. Most of us have experienced the feelings and negativity that you're suffering from right now
    Sending hugs,
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