Can't take it any more! Cannot bear being an abuser! Cannot live with myself!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LastHope, Dec 14, 2012.

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  1. LastHope

    LastHope Member

    Can't live knowing people feel the way they do about me. The way they look at me with their eyes. All my girlfriend wants is to put all the bad stuff in our relationship behind us. There's some stuff that you can't ever put behind you and that people will never forget.

    Yes, I always said to myself I would end it all if I still couldn't find peace after a year. It looks like that day has finally arrived.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    What steps have you taken to try to find peace with your past in the last year? Have you gotten professional help with it or explored the reasons for it?

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    can you tell us more about what you think makes you an abuser?

    if you've done something bad in the past, killing yourself is not going to help.

    you may be able to do something that is helpful to someone that you've hurt, or to others.

    making amends for what you've done and coming to terms with it sounds like a much better way to deal with this
     
  4. Brokengirl123

    Brokengirl123 Well-Known Member

    Not sure what kind you mean, but...I think another option besides killing yourself would be to move somewhere new, where you can start out anonymous, is a very good idea and you should move forth in life doing everything you can to be a 'hero' and help people in any possible, and redeem yourself. If you help more than you harm then you can eventually leave the world in a better state, and as a better person than you are now. I can think of tens of ways you can help people if you are struggling.

    Eft in the meantime is a positive step to help re-train your mind to accept and deal with this situation. (Emotional Freedom Technique)

    Best of luck
     
  5. LastHope

    LastHope Member

    I try to make amends but it's tough. I fear my girlfriend is forever changed by my stupid, insecure, childish, manipulative ways. My mind constantly dwells on the past. People hate me for how I used to be. And the people that don't know would hate me if they did. I can't blame them, I hate myself.
     
  6. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Without knowing what it is that you felt was "abuse," it's hard to really comment... but user May71 hit the nail on the head with their reply to you. If you feel you have done things that are wrong, then ending your life does not resolve that. What you can do is start doing good things. Make amends to those that you have hurt. Go out and help others. Give back more than you feel you have taken and you will be of far more value than if you just end it.
     
  7. lopez948

    lopez948 New Member

    My boyfriend and I our also going through some tuff times. He has been abusive and manipulative in the past, but he is changing everyday and I love him very much. I guess my point is if your girlfriend is still by your side she must love you. Maybe try thinking of that when times get hard. Sorry my writing isn't as good as others. Hugs to you and I hope it helps to know your not alone
     
  8. katrina77

    katrina77 Guest

    You can't change what happened in the past, no one can.

    But you can change what happens now, and in the future. Get the help you need to help you make those changes. Then find a way to forgive yourself and move on. We all make mistakes, the sad part is when we don't learn from them, and do what needs to be done to do better.
     
  9. LastHope

    LastHope Member

    I've been very emotionally abusive towards my girlfriend the past few years. I desperately want to make things right but feel like it's forever tarnished who I am. When I try to talk to her about my behaviour she makes light of it, saying I wasn't that bad, and was just a bit of a jerk sometimes. I believe this is partly denial, and partly not wanting to hurt my feelings. I know full well the way I've acted is despicable and it makes me sick to my stomach that I turned out that way. Being an abuser, whether in the past or not, isn't something I can live with.
     
  10. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    HEY
    lasthope you have seen your sighnns and what is shit which makes you a good person now its time to use this so yeah maybe once ya had arsehole attitude but hey ya know that and noticed get help if its hard to deal with.Been there ive been a prick in my life and yes had to make a few changes makes ya feel better when ya know ya been tht yet ya do something to change TAKECARE
     
  11. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    From an outsider's perspective:

    1. Your girlfriend is forgiving you, and giving you second chances. Killing yourself would kind of blow that, and be another slap in her face.
    2. You need to work on giving yourself the second chance that she's willing to give you, and learn to let go of the past.
    3. The best way, in my humble opinion, and for what its worth, that any of my past emotional abusers could redeem themselves would be to go into therapy and find out why they do what they do, find ways to work on themselves, and learn how to recognize and control their thoughts, moods and behaviours, when they do arise.

    People may never forget, but you're not in charge of what others think, say, or do - that's not your job. You can only be in charge of yourself.

    I really wish you luck.
     
  12. LastHope

    LastHope Member

    I'm certainly going to look into therapy if I can. I didn't have a particularly good upbringing so I'm sure I've plenty of unresolved issues. Keep researching abusers on the internet and keep reading about how I'm a monster. I've tried to focus on being the person I want be myself but it's incredibly tough when I'm carrying a tremendous amount of shame. How can I walk around with confidence and look people in the eye? My life has PLENTY of other issues that I won't go into, but it's becoming such a lot to handle. I'd like to work on improving all aspects of my life but it's this weight that is holding me back.

    I really appreciate everyone that's replied to this. Still hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel.
     
  13. LastHope

    LastHope Member

    Was okay for a week and then bam, hit with the anxiety. Don't think I can achieve redemption for this.
     
  14. LastHope

    LastHope Member

    Is it possible to live a normal life after this? I'm doubtful
     
  15. LastHope

    LastHope Member

    Clinging on. Utterly consumed by this. Everything I read points me to being a scumbag who'll always abuse again, never able to change. Unanimously it seems my girlfriend should have left me, feels like relationship is a sham.
     
  16. listless

    listless Banned Member

    Hi LastHope, we've all done things that we regretted and hated ourselves for. It's good that you've owned up to your past mistakes and the person who you need forgiveness from, who suffered your abuse, was kind enough to offer it to you. It's easy to victimize others who are weaker than yourself, millions of men do it. However you're one of the few that realized you were wrong. Just turn your life around work on being a better person-that's the best you can do in this situation. If your reputation is destroyed in your town, then as others here have suggested, just move to another city/town and start a new life.

    If I thought too deeply about my mistakes I think I'd feel as you did also. But mistakes are a part of learning and growing up-the main thing is that you don't repeat them. Don't forget the state your life was in at the time that made you behave the way you did. I've done bad things but then I also remembered how badly I was suffering at the time as well, so I realized it wasn't entirely my fault for how I behaved in some situations. It's important to be reasonable with yourself and with others and not given into extreme thoughts or actions in either direction.
     
  17. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    You can always turn the negatives of the situation into the positives. I would agree with the others that you may need some kind of therapy to resolve some of those unresolved issues. But have you ever tought about maybe volunteering at a domestic abuse charity, giving women talks on what to look out for, how they can support their partner while they recover etc. Just a thought.
     
  18. LastHope

    LastHope Member

    Whole life is such a mess, the way I treated my girlfriend was appalling. Abused her in so many ways. Feel like an absolute scumbag. Don't see how I can ever hold my head up high again. I'm only 22, can't believe how much I screwed my life up. I've got other problems and worries but this is by far the worst.
     
  19. listless

    listless Banned Member

    You need to come to terms with it, perhaps spend the rest of your life trying to make it up to your gf if you plan to stay together. I think when we're younger we tend to think our actions have a greater impact than they actually do. But since you're still young, there's a lot you can do to fix your life. I'm in my 40s and have an extremely acute understanding of myself and how I fit in the world. I felt I was given a really 'bad deal' when it comes to this life that was forced on me. I was always in a state of watching others find love and happiness and great success.

    While I did experience some of it, it was like a drop of water in a glass to a man dying of thirst in the desert, while others lived in lush oases. I have very, very little reason to live. Life used to be pretty good when I was around your age, but that was a long time ago. In my present state, it's just working to live and living to work. I have some friends and a limited social life. Aside from my family, friends and petty amusement, I don't like my life. Though I have independence, I don't have the key things I want out of life.

    About your situation, one time I was playing baseball in school and I didn't have my glasses on (so my vision was very fuzzy). Yet somehow my aim was still amazing-I threw a ball at a girl (I thought she wanted to catch it) and it hit her on the nose causing a major nosebleed, she was quite a popular and attractive girl too. I was really distraught over it-but she knew me as a nice guy and was very consoling and forgiving and she was totally fine the next day. What I mean to say by that example is that sometimes we don't hurt others as much as we thought we did-people can be more resilient than you think.

    If you abused her and felt you deserve punishment, then you could turn yourself in and go to jail and serve time. But I think you've wised up already-so it's time for you to gain some closure and put this behind you. There's few things in life that make me enraged, people who hurt women/children/animals and Islamofascists and their supporters-I'd like to see them meet a terrible end...but in your case you realized what you did was wrong, you cannot unbreak a glass and cannot undo your abuse, so it's best to accept things, learn from them and move on. Hope the advice helps.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 2, 2013
  20. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I am 22 myself. It doesn't mean your life is over. You NEED some therapy to help resolve these issues. We all make bad choices and do bad things from time to time. It doesn't make you a bad person. You need to heal. You have an entire life to look forward to once you can solve these issues.
     
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