Can't Take It Anymore... Forgive Me God x

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mahi159, Oct 20, 2011.

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  1. Mahi159

    Mahi159 Member

    My problems seem small compared to others but I need to tell someone. I really can’t take this anymore. I have been used and abused by so many that I have lost count. Sad thing is I turn 21 next month and it doesn’t feel like a celebration to me anymore. The scars over my body ache even now. Bruises are slowly fading but the pain still remains. I really don’t want to be here anymore. I am disgusted at the person I am slowly becoming. I can’t sleep nor can I eat. I become ill and lay in bed all day instead of going to university. I have sex with strangers that I meet on a night out with my friends (so-called) to fill the void.. It makes me feel cheap and dirty but at the same time alive. I can't stop moving... I go from being happy to sad in a matter of minutes. I wake up in the middle of the night just to cryIt makes me laugh to think that when I was 12 I used to look after my siblings. Parents got divorced and for my siblings I went from being Big sister to mum. I wasn’t given a chance to grow up. I was blamed for everything and was bullied by family members. If it was one I could have dealt with it. But it was all of them. Taking a chunk out of me whenever they got bored of there own lives. Saddest thing is my dad questioned whether I was his actual daughter or not. Funny thing is that I look more like him, than my other siblings do. I didn’t even understand what was happening at that age. I’ve gone from being the backbone to not having one at all. But I understand now. I feel neglected and hurt. Cutting myself doesn’t work anymore. I like the pain. It doesn’t feel the same. Honestly I just need a hug. My friends don’t understand what’s happening to me. They say I have changed but they don’t understand why. It’s my fault really. I’ve become a serial liar. My friends see my life through the rose tinted glasses that I get them all to wear. I need to tell them but how. How do I tell them that I don’t trust another human being at all. I don’t know if I’m ill but I need someone. I can’t do this to myself anymore. But I must admit I am scared of going to the doctors. I don’t want them to tell me there is something wrong with me. Because I know no one will care. Not my parents, not my friends… No one. Because it will make two of us. My sister admitted to me that she is suffering from depression. I feel as if it is my fault. Like I have failed at bringing her up. No one understands how much I love her. I love her so much that I keep lying to her. I don’t want her to know that I feel like this. I don’t want to burden her. But I really can’t take it anymore. I’m so tired and confused… What do I do?
     
  2. JonRymer

    JonRymer Member

    :console: im really sorry. i think i can relate on some level. my family life has been fuckd up since the beginning when my birth mom killed herself in front of me when i was 7 after that its been downhill. i never had a childhood eaither. your not alone at all. i hope you can trust me when i say this. your father had no right to say that to you, honestly he mades me sick sorry lol if you wanna talk im here :hug: i have a lot of insight i can share with u if u want it:)
     
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