Can't take it anymore.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Silvio, Oct 1, 2009.

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  1. Silvio

    Silvio Well-Known Member

    This is all too much..... ( Please do read, however,there is going to be some profanity, because an articulate passage on how I'm feeling will render it of the emotions I currently possess)
    I'm 16 now, so where to start? Depression for 10 years, being bullied for almost all my school years, being beaten by my parents from ages 4-12, isolation from people, few friends I can really trust, no one I can trust fully, doing stupid and immoral things, finding out the girl I like and thought I trusted; did not trust me or feel the same way, 95% coping mechanisms not working, extreme short sightedness and eczema on hands, 2nd in head boy election, a lot of insecurities, arguments with everybody, powerlessness and pity from people; I want someone who genuinely cares; not to be judged and belittled, both homicidal and suicidal thoughts,many friends lost, betrayal of trust infinite of times,nightmares, definitely a sociopath and a hypocrite.

    Fuck all that, all I want is some happiness in my life, why's that so hard to get? I know life is shit and a lot of people say "get over it", well I have gotten over it, I tried being strong and resilient for 12 whole fucking years and it gets worse, as I become a stronger person. I've lost my innocence as a child and can't remember one time I've felt happy. I can't trust anybody, anymore. The mistakes in my life, has made people hate me, I've bottled it all inside, because I don't want to dump this load onto others, except for professionals, but talking only temporarily helps, it seems if I do a method of coping, it lessens the pain for about few minutes and I'm back to this shithole state. When's this inner conflict going to end? 12 fuckin years of depression, fuck it.I hate projecting this shield and lying to everyone I know, I don't even know what kind of person I am anymore, I just really want to end it, my head has this throbbing pain at times and I have to hold it and scream. I've seen every corrupt side of the human psyche, it's disgusting, I don't want to live in a fucking shithole world like this if people have to constantly degrade others to feel humane, it's all fucking bullshit, if your going to argue with or tease somebody, at least accept them, in the process. Maybe all this shit's for nothing, everything I try, most recently trying to become a leader in my school, where people had said my speech was inspirational and moving, some people even cried, BUT i was being honest, not demanding sympathy, I didn't go into any details and just talked about what I think a leader is and how I wanted to be able to get others where they wanted and help people unconditionally. So, does being honest and selfless pay off? No. When will I ever learn this fucked up No.1 lesson of life, you be selfless, you get used, you be honest, you get judged. Why am I so cynical anyway, I hate myself enough as it is, I live on hatred and anger, it's kept me going for so long. I think I really am a sociopath, I always think of harming others, as well as myself and am ace at putting on artificial emotions, even though I do have genuine emotions from time to time.

    I don't know anymore, I just don't, hahaha I'm expecting one person to reply with something negative about everything I've said, but that's ok, why should you give a shit about other people, when you don't like them? In my case, I don't think anyone likes me in this forum, I'm sure I've caused all of you pain with my opinions, when I was simply trying to comfort, I'm so sorry, all I wanted was to be a loyal member of the community and able to help others suffering like myself, with some good advice and genuine understanding. I just want to end it forever , but then there are people like my family and friends that will be affected, keeping me alive so I can continue being tortured I hate it, I've done everything and have had the best support, I've been hospitalized a fucking whopping 4 times, am on medication and seeing a psyche, and yet? Nothing has changed about this shitty fucking life. After all this time, the pain,suffering, deceptions, I have never attempted suicide, I kept having the urge to live on and go on, thinking that maybe I could change and help others, to have a good life, I was wrong and instead I became a fucking worthless, hypocritical,insignificant ****. I give up, I really do, I don't know why I bothered writing all this, but if you read this far, thank you.
    My ideal life:
    Being compassionate without conditions, being loyal to everybody, accepting and not judging everyone, have happiness and trust surrounding me, love (whatever the fuck this is), good friends, caring family and PEACE within. Too much to ask for I guess.....I've tried and failed, many times, I don't know what to do or how I'm feeling anymore, so numb and I've tried calling helplines and all that too, I'm a goner, I know it, I can't survive anymore and go on living this way.

    Probably everything I write here will mean nothing, because nobody would even bother reading what I have to say....oh well fuck it, another failure. I just want someone i can trust and who will always be loyal.
  2. Tastelikeblood

    Tastelikeblood Well-Known Member

    I couldn't have said it better myself, you and I are going through similar feelings. You've been through a lot at 17 man that is bullshit, this is cliche to say but nobody should have to go through any of that shit. The most I relate to is the people being dicks to us, you know how you try to be a stronger person? We can't do it on our own we need others to help us but with the way people are today (living on other peoples misery) we have to find a way to do it on our own or find other genuinely nice people to surround ourselves with. Which is damn near impossible. I can really identify with everything your saying. Along with the not killing yourself part, I could never do that. I just want a better quality life and like you said is that really much to ask for? I need my friends and family to help too, but they are sadly like the rest... I hate people... (Emoticon with thumbs up)
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know there isn't much I can say that will help. But I wanted you to know that I read your post, and I care. I hope you can keep holding on, because you sound like a caring, genuine person who deserves way better. You don't have to keep things all bottled up, and if you ever feel like talking, or just venting and getting everything out, you can PM me anytime.
  4. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    Your post really reminds me of me almost a year ago. Im 17 turning 18 later this year. I know how you feel, Ive sort of just let it all sink in and stopped trying to impress people because i realized they don't really care. I let the wind blow in my face, I couldnt give a fuck anymore. Im more machine than man now. Anyway good luck to you.
  5. blueman

    blueman Well-Known Member

    Please don't automatically discount all the people out there who genuinely want to read your post and genuinely want to help you, even in some small way by listening to your problems. As I read through your post I constantly felt you were attacking people like me by saying 'no-one will read this anyway, fuck it'. Guess what? I DID, I'm sure many others did too but they also must be feeling attacked and pushed away.
    Please don't push those away that want to help; there are people out there who do want to. I know because I've been through similar situations to you, the bullying at school, the fake emotions, the bullshitting, betrayal, etc and I'm twice your age and still going through it! Part of it is LIFE, that's just the way it has to be I'm afraid and for many years I couldn't accept that but now it's just starting to sink in :p

    Just remember, not everyone is your enemy, there are some people who genuinely want to help. If I can in some way, please PM me.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Silvio,

    I isolate myself too. :( It's hard and gets incredibly lonely at times, thank god for the internet. Like blueman said, many people here want to read your post and help so please give them a chance! Keep talking if it helps x
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Silvio,
    I read your thread and can relate to what your saying.. I'm alot older than you and quit letting people shit on me.. It is not a reason to commit suicide.. I know because I have tried three times..
    Being caring and compassionate are a rare breed now adays.. Don't let this screwed up world change you..There are other people out there who are the same.. It seems like quite a few members here are like that..I for one care!! Be yourself and don't let the world affect how you are.. It's nothing you have control over..Take care!!
  8. Silvio

    Silvio Well-Known Member

    Thanks, all of you. I understand there are people who care and I am grateful for that, but somehow I just can't receive it. I just can't feel anything anymore, support or care, everytime I get it, I can never..... "relate" to it, if that makes any sense, as if everything was going on as usual ( the shitty life) , it does help occasionally, but of course those of you familiar with the world would know, that when you're at your peak, everybody and everything just loves to drag you down to Fuckville (place where people reside, when they get fucked over by life). Thanks guys, good to know their are good people out there, but I haven't met them yet, physically.
    I'm sorry, i dumped this on all of you, just wanted other peoples' viewpoints on this, just extremely tired and frustrated of every injustice there is, that surrounds me, every second and everywhere I go in my life.
    Guess....I'll have to continue to get where I want....if it's even remotely possible.
  9. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    The secret to being selfless and helping others is to do for others what they cannot do for themselves, and not for those who can do it for themselves. It takes time to learn the difference, but it's well worth it.

    You have a lot of anger from the events in your life. I have a lot of anger too and I don't know when I'll get it all out, if ever. The reminder I give to myself is that I won't let all the people who have hurt me steel my life from me.

    Thanks for posting. This is a valuable way to get the anger out and that is very important.

  10. Silvio

    Silvio Well-Known Member

    Also, I just wanted to state, by no means, did I want to attack anyone. I don't want to hurt anybody in anyway, I'm just disgusted by what's going on....and people don't even realize all the immense suffering they're causing? it's like a quote I heard somewhere "Death isn't caused by war, it's caused by humanity", wherever I heard it, I don't know, but I like it, because people blame the source of all suffering on something, why not blame it on something realistic, like yourself for once? I'm attacking the ACTIONS, ATTITUDES, BELIEFS, VALUES, BEHAVIOR that people hold nowadays, not the actual human beings, I don't want to push people away, I just didn't think anybody would care.
  11. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Hi Silvio. Reading your post you come over as articulate, intelligent and caring. These are fine qualities to have. You also come over as being angry and hearing what you have been through I'm not suprised. Try not to be ruled by your anger though and don't turn it on yourself. Don't think that nobody cares because there are those who do. Life at times is a pile of shit and there are lots of people who don't seem to care about anyone or anything. There is also a lot of good out there as well.
    You will soon be in a position to go out and make your own life leaving school and moving on from a lot of the shit you have been through. There will still be shit but you will be more in control of what happens to you. Hope you find a good path to follow and get the things you are looking for. Best wishes.
  12. Silvio

    Silvio Well-Known Member

    I've been spending endless of nights up......contemplating and reflecting and I've found the meaning to life, it's all about pain and suffering, everything is associated with the two. You know, I look at other teenagers, how easy they have got it, oblivious to everything around them so carefree, yea there are a lot of teens who suffer from mental illnesses, but they can just indulge on alcohol and drugs, which fucks up their lives even more, but there not really conscious of it by then. oh yea, and love isn't really love, it's artificial obviously, i mean the majority of the world has divorced couples all over the globe, oh yea and let's not forget poverty and shit like that, over 50% of the world suffers from hunger, what's that tell you? the world's fucked up?yea of course. Sure, people are fighting for a better life, however their efforts can be seen as a correlation to how i try to have a better life, however no matter how hard I try to change all comes back, life is an endless torture, you either can't attain anything or anything you have, you'll always lose in the end.

    I already for the REAL definition for positive attributes society has bestowed..... you know....things like courage, persistence, honesty, love etc......they all mean one thing: hypocrisy.
    There are only two people in the world: Hypocrites and Liars. Look at most of the people you see today, they're all living in a a matter a fact I believe the people who have "lost it" are living in the true know, people who kill and commit crimes, who are looked down on by this sick and close-minded fucked up society. We NEVER stop and ponder about the source we just assume what's wrong and right. Kindness, there is none, want an example, I will give you one: A person falls down, some people might go to help him, a stranger gets a gun to the head..... people run away screaming..... how's that a fault though, valuing your own life? you see life is all about power and status.... by the end of the day you're either somebody or nobody. I'm not going to say some bullshit like " I don't care what anybody thinks", truth is everybody cares what somebody thinks, the people who say they don't care are in fact the people that care most about what other people think, the world is this fucked up, people say things they don't really mean, I found out what being selfless is through a lot of anyone who wants to change and be a better only advice to you is: don't, stay at that position, it's good you're afraid of changing, because at least you have one thing in life, hope.....even if it's artificial, at least you have a meaning, I've tried to change myself, look at me now, another sucker in life.

    haha, i can already predict my future, it's only going to get worse and more painful, life has taken everything away from me, friends, family, education, health......what have I got left? I'm at the point right now where I think i might truly go insane, maybe that's the secret to being actually free of everything and to face reality.....being mentally deranged. I'm at the point right now, where if someone actually wanted to kill me..... I wouldn't care, death is great, I just cousin finished the job, and stabbed the fuck out of me, when I made a crude joke. maybe.....I've figured out why I can't kill myself.......I want my revenge on everybody in this shitty life, I want to torture them slowly and feed them their own limbs....I know, fucked up for a 16 year old to have thoughts like that pestering him constantly....ahahhaha....not long'll all be over....I'm gonna lose touch with reality completely, at least I hope.....argh fuck this, I just want to die so bad right now, but I can't because I want to hear the shrieks and cries of everybody that has given me all this rage and pain in my life....funny I've never taken illegal drugs or have gotten drunk before, my life is already fucked up as is.

    Funny thing is, I feel calm....... maybe I'm used to it or maybe my inner conflict has won and I've almost lost myself completely, ah fuck I'm holding my head as I'm typing this, how did I get to this? I just wanted to be happy......and make other people happy. This is what I get....regardless of how you look at it from any's always going to be "survival of the fittest". I hope somebody could help me and put a bullet in my head.
    I'm sorry, I've gotten carried away and have pin pointed all my political ideals and beliefs.....I guess now you all know the source of it all.....I just want to start all over again......
    I hope I didn't scare anyone....I mean there are a lot of depressed teens, but those who want to murder everybody?'s simply unconceivable, but there you go, now you know a homicidal 16 year old.

    All I can say to end it all is,.....I'm sorry..... I wish I never found this forum, my negativity and cynicism has probably already crushed the hopes of others on this forum.....please don't mind me and my endless ravings....I've just truly lost it, believe in whatever you believe....if it's positive, I'm happy for got something I will never acquire, among other things. I would really like to hear from those who are actually happy and successful people....who're content with their lifestyles......optimists, I'm always open to others views, but I'm not afraid to argue if I disagree.

    Thanks for's hard but I can control doing anything for now, temporarily.
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