This is all too much..... ( Please do read, however,there is going to be some profanity, because an articulate passage on how I'm feeling will render it of the emotions I currently possess) I'm 16 now, so where to start? Depression for 10 years, being bullied for almost all my school years, being beaten by my parents from ages 4-12, isolation from people, few friends I can really trust, no one I can trust fully, doing stupid and immoral things, finding out the girl I like and thought I trusted; did not trust me or feel the same way, 95% coping mechanisms not working, extreme short sightedness and eczema on hands, 2nd in head boy election, a lot of insecurities, arguments with everybody, powerlessness and pity from people; I want someone who genuinely cares; not to be judged and belittled, both homicidal and suicidal thoughts,many friends lost, betrayal of trust infinite of times,nightmares, definitely a sociopath and a hypocrite. Fuck all that, all I want is some happiness in my life, why's that so hard to get? I know life is shit and a lot of people say "get over it", well I have gotten over it, I tried being strong and resilient for 12 whole fucking years and it gets worse, as I become a stronger person. I've lost my innocence as a child and can't remember one time I've felt happy. I can't trust anybody, anymore. The mistakes in my life, has made people hate me, I've bottled it all inside, because I don't want to dump this load onto others, except for professionals, but talking only temporarily helps, it seems if I do a method of coping, it lessens the pain for about few minutes and I'm back to this shithole state. When's this inner conflict going to end? 12 fuckin years of depression, fuck it.I hate projecting this shield and lying to everyone I know, I don't even know what kind of person I am anymore, I just really want to end it, my head has this throbbing pain at times and I have to hold it and scream. I've seen every corrupt side of the human psyche, it's disgusting, I don't want to live in a fucking shithole world like this if people have to constantly degrade others to feel humane, it's all fucking bullshit, if your going to argue with or tease somebody, at least accept them, in the process. Maybe all this shit's for nothing, everything I try, most recently trying to become a leader in my school, where people had said my speech was inspirational and moving, some people even cried, BUT i was being honest, not demanding sympathy, I didn't go into any details and just talked about what I think a leader is and how I wanted to be able to get others where they wanted and help people unconditionally. So, does being honest and selfless pay off? No. When will I ever learn this fucked up No.1 lesson of life, you be selfless, you get used, you be honest, you get judged. Why am I so cynical anyway, I hate myself enough as it is, I live on hatred and anger, it's kept me going for so long. I think I really am a sociopath, I always think of harming others, as well as myself and am ace at putting on artificial emotions, even though I do have genuine emotions from time to time. I don't know anymore, I just don't, hahaha I'm expecting one person to reply with something negative about everything I've said, but that's ok, why should you give a shit about other people, when you don't like them? In my case, I don't think anyone likes me in this forum, I'm sure I've caused all of you pain with my opinions, when I was simply trying to comfort, I'm so sorry, all I wanted was to be a loyal member of the community and able to help others suffering like myself, with some good advice and genuine understanding. I just want to end it forever , but then there are people like my family and friends that will be affected, keeping me alive so I can continue being tortured I hate it, I've done everything and have had the best support, I've been hospitalized a fucking whopping 4 times, am on medication and seeing a psyche, and yet? Nothing has changed about this shitty fucking life. After all this time, the pain,suffering, deceptions, I have never attempted suicide, I kept having the urge to live on and go on, thinking that maybe I could change and help others, to have a good life, I was wrong and instead I became a fucking worthless, hypocritical,insignificant ****. I give up, I really do, I don't know why I bothered writing all this, but if you read this far, thank you. My ideal life: Being compassionate without conditions, being loyal to everybody, accepting and not judging everyone, have happiness and trust surrounding me, love (whatever the fuck this is), good friends, caring family and PEACE within. Too much to ask for I guess.....I've tried and failed, many times, I don't know what to do or how I'm feeling anymore, so numb and I've tried calling helplines and all that too, I'm a goner, I know it, I can't survive anymore and go on living this way. Probably everything I write here will mean nothing, because nobody would even bother reading what I have to say....oh well fuck it, another failure. I just want someone i can trust and who will always be loyal.