I cant take any of it anymore, its all so misunderstood and im being bullied and tortured mentally by my dad. All he does is drag me down, tell me how gross i am, how my mum doesnt want to know me anymore how i have no friends and lost my family. How im JUST a drunk, constantly winding me up. Threatening me with things he knows il bite at. I have no option but to be here, feel like im held against my will. He is such a bully! he acts all fake and concerned and comes the innocent with doctors or anyone in authority, and infront of his gf and friends and other family memebers. but they dont see or hear wat he is really like, wat he says to me how he says it, the way he looks at me with this revolting ugly evil expression of hate. I dont have anything to turn to or anyone, all i do is eat and eat and im stuck in this awful mess. Then i drink on a night, but im not dependent on it as i proved before. I WAS at one time nearly 2 years ago now. But this is different. I cant take all the pain, the abuse the feeling the fear any of it. All he does is try and scare me more make me feel more helpless more threatened more alone more pathetic etc. Hes twisted everyone to beleive im somewthing im not. I dont know wat to do, i feel physically ill, hurt my leg lastnight and i cant stop crying. Hes just been on phone to tht shit 'crisis team' who are a complete waste of time. and he just went on all innocent bull shitting saying i tried to trash house wen all i did was throw some pears to the wood floor cos he was in my face saying how gross i am as per usual how im on same level of a park bench tramp etc, and reminding me over and over tht the things i do arent right for a 24year old. But WHY DO I DO IT. tHAT IS WHY. bUT THERS NO RELEASE and i cant take it, i cant stand it i just want to be me, but i lost myself and he made damn sure any little bit of self i get back he will rip out and throw it around. My pride my self respect and he loves to make damn sure that ppl witness it, neighbours, strangers, family his friends etc . i can see in his ugly evil face how much he enjoys seeing me suffer seeing me in this state and pushing all my buttons. and how he loves to threaten me with the one thing hes got over me 'money'. I dont know, and ive tried. Ive been to housing, im on the list, im in a bad money situation and hes just using it as tool to keep me stuck and to torture me more and more. I wish to god ther was a way out, i dont want to die but i cant take this suffering anymore and i keep trying but its never enough just keep falling back and getting pushed back. and its unfair it really is, i dont know why i have to be such a victim. why me!?