Sometimes I can see myself somewhere in the future, doing wonderful things, having everything. Sometimes I force myself to shut my eyes and not think of those things and wish for death. I imagine we're all like this. Just lost and alone and trying to find our way, stumbling and clawing at what we think can be real. what can mean so much. I'm afraid of my own future. Because I know it will never measure up to what the mind can conjure. I hate my past because it wasn't what I wanted. I can't free myself from this or from anything because I will always be me. I can't be anyone but me. Sometimes I feel this pain in my chest when I think about time and where I'm going or where I've been and it hurts to a degree immeasurable. I want to belong to something more than my memories or my hopes. I want to be here with someone, anyone. I can't cry anymore. I force it down until I feel nothing and then in my dreams it awakens and startles me with forms unrecognizable. I can't hold on to this life anymore. I feel it just slipping from me, only existing by circumstance. I can't grasp the pain I will undoubtedly feel when I come to the realization of my own future. I know it will come, in darkness. It will be all I will ever have and all I will ever be. I don't want to wait. I don't want to be dissappointed again and again. I hope for one thing now, it's the easiest thing. Just one thing. I hope it comes to me before the other.