Can't take it

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by aoeu, Aug 25, 2009.

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  1. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Oh my god. I can't take it. I have an overwhelming desire to smoke. I have never smoked in my life, and I just have to today! I think my social anxiety will put a lid on it since I feel awkward about asking for a pack of cigarettes because everyone seems to know their brand already... But god... I want it!

    I'm going to be drinking soon, as soon as the liquor store opens... I am stressed to the fucking max and need something so fucking bad. I think it's bipolar cycling and I'm about to go down hard... oh my god.

    My jaw has been clenched for 3 weeks. I've been doing experimental cutting. I can barely type this, I just want to bang on the keys and EXPLODE

    This is not going well. I can't sleep either, even though I've been up for 26 hours now.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
     
  2. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    hey there..
    i feel sort of the same when iv had no sleep for a day or 2.. i SH more.. smoke more.. feel really bitter.. aggitated.. suicidal.. anxiety gets worse.. and i end up drink alot..
    if u can somehow get some sleep it might take away this urge 2 try a cig..
    try not 2 start smoking.. i smoke.. and it costs a fortune! lol
    asides from the money side i was addicted after forcing myself 2 smoke 3 cigs from peer pressure.. after that i wasnt coughing or feeling sick.. i just wanted another cig..
    i was 13 then .. 22 now.. and i smoke far 2 much.. im sure u know all the risks and all.. cancer..lung/heart problems.. its not worth it.. once ur hooked its v v v hard 2 stop.. i dont think i ever will..
    if u ever want 2 chat or anything.. im here.. x :hug:
     
  3. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    I'm quite positive this is simply a manic phase now. Not the pleasant, happy manic phases, but the I'M gOING TO EXPLODE AND TAKE EVERYONE WITH ME agitated kind. I have some liquor, it makes me drowsy but I still can't sleep. I'm chewing gum to deal with my jaw, covers for smoking... I think this is a pretty clear indicator of bipolar I, not II

    Oh, and the joy of bipolar? This shit feeling will be followed by a deep depression.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 25, 2009
  4. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Fuck fuck fuck fuck...

    I made a huge mistake.

    I asked a girl I liked out on a date.

    And she said yes. I'm screwed now!
     
  5. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    The fantastic thing about bipolar is that 90% of the time you know you're going to SOMEHOW be feeling worse soon.

    Fortunately, the 10% where I know i can only improve is coming up in the next few days.
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Why are you screwed because she said yes? :unsure: Surely that should be a good thing!
     
  7. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Dates produce mixed emotions.

    ...Though it never materialized... That's one of the reasons I hate them saying yes. The lies. Other reasons include a TON of stress and pressure leading up to it.

    But mostly I guess it's the lies and abandonment implicit in anything.

    I want to take up smoking today... I might just give it a go. I can't imagine living long enough for the health effects to hit.
     
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