This is just too much on me now.... i just can not take much more of this pain it is hurting so bad now that my thinking is begining to get very cloudy... the pain , this pain is so unreal.. why do i have to suffer? Why cant it ever end? My lord i loved you both so much... Why did i do it? Why did i let my heart to love you?? Why couldnt i see that you never loved me?? Why did i let you hurt me?? How can you go on with your life without thinking of my or my feelings? Do you even care i am hurt emotionally? Or is it that you really got a cold heart? That you really are heartless and cold? Why couldnt you just love me?? Why did you do me like that? Why tell me that you love me then just up and walk out of my life?? Why do that to me? Why hurt me? Why add to that hurt? You told me ... YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED THE HURTING TO STOP YET YOU GO ON AND DO THIS... WHY? WHY DID YOU DSO IT? WHY ADD TO MY HURT 3 TIMES MORE? DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT IS WHY I MUST NOW DIE? TO GET AWAY FROM THE PAIN OF LOSING YOU BOTH AS A FAMILY TYPE TOWARD ME. TO GET AWAY FROM THE PAIN OF LOSING YOU AS DREAM PARENTS TO ME... YOU BOTH WANTED ME OUT OF YOUR LIFE AND I SOON WILL BE.. GOD I AM HURTING SO MUCH RIGHT NOW... YOU PUT MORE HURT UPON ME THEN ANYTHING AND YOU JUST GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE NOT THINKING ABOUT ME... HOW COULD YOU? HOW CAN YOU HONESTLY DO THAT TO ME?? I TRIED TO MAKE UP FOR THE DAMAGE THAT MY NIECE DID AND FOR THE DAMAGE I DID BUT YOU HAVE REFUSED IT. you have refused me.. why? why hurt me this much?? Why do you not are for my feelings at all? Do you not know i am hurting so much? Do you not know that i loved you. THAT I LOVED YOU BOTH?? THAT I STILL LOVE YOU BUT YOU DO NOT WANT ME OR MY LIFE. YOU DONT WANT ME HERE . YOU DONT LOVE ME . YOU NEVER LOVED ME DID YOU? NOT ONCE... GOD I CRY SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. I CRY EVERY SINGLE NIGHT AND OFTEN CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP... YOU BOTH MEANT A LOT TO ME... YOU ALWAYS SAID THAT OTHERS WOULD TALK TO YOU ABOUT ME AND THAT YOU WERE GETTING TIRED OF IT... WHY COULD YOU NOT SEE WHAT THEY SEEN?? WHY COULD YOU NOT SEE IT? NOT SEE MY DEEP LOVE FOR YOU BOTH? you think i am possesive or even obsessed but love is not an obsession. true love of agapa love ( gods love ) is not an obsession. you just dont care and i have to face that... god if you had only loved me then i would still be alive.. i would still be here.... now i have less and less days left . do you not think i have the guts to go through with it? did you not think i had the guts last time? is that why you never tried to stop me the last time? or is it because you did not believe me or just did not care? my heart is bleeding inside for your love. for the both of you and you could care less... you think you know this pain... yet you can not understand it... you think i am just wanting attention or someone to feel sorry for me but God i never wanted ANYONE TO EVER FEEL SORRY FOR ME I JUST WANTED YOU TO LOVE ME.... I PUSHED YOU AWAY AND IM SORRY - GOD I AM SO SORRY but those words mean nothing to you. my tears mean nothing to you... my hurting and my pain mean absolutly nothing to you. when you hear of my passing will it mean anything to you then? when you see me in my casket will it mean anything to you? why did you even come to the hospital on my last attempt? you were not there because you cared... you were there only becauase of your image as a minister.. that is the only reason you were there and then you call it evil pure evil.. yes i heard your words when i had left my body... if this is pure evil then you are adding to that evil... you have hurt me, my feelings , and i am bleeding in my heart because i really need you both and you both do not care... that cuts like a knife straight to my heart... you want nothing to do with me.. you want me out of your life, then why did you even come into my life...? why did you come to my house? why did you bapotize me?? why did you and elaine say you loved me? none of it was true... NONE OF IT WAS TRUE AT ALL... I WAS USED BY YOU.. I WAS USED BY YOUR REMARKS AND PRETEND LOVE.... IF IT WAS REAL LOVE YOU WOULD BE HERE.... YOU DONT CARE,, YOU NEVER CARED.. GOD WHY DID I EVER MEET YOU BOTH? WHY DID I EVER BELIEVE IN YOU? WHY DID I EVER TRUST YOU WHEN ALL YOU DID WAS BREAK MY HEART... MY HEART IS BROKEN INSIDE BECAUSE OF YOU BOTH.... YOU HAVE NO FEELINGS FOR ME AT ALL DO YOU? YOU DONT CARE HOW I FEEL ON THE INSIDE? HOW I FEEL IN MY HEART? The tears just will not stop tonight... God i hope i die tonight.. i want no part of this life anymore... none... i cant take this... both pysical and the emotional pain is just too much... you just sit there in your care free life and have no feelings toward me or my feelings what so ever... but i did for you ... i felt sorry . sorry and ashameed i hurt you.. i felt hurt inside because of the hurt that was caused and still feel that hurt but no you cant feel my pain.. you cant feel the hurt because you have no heart at alll.... you are heartless and cold... my life has ended because of your hurt you put upon my heart.. it is my only releaf to do it.. it is the only way to stop the pain... i cant stay here.. i cant go on knowing you never cared for me.. knowing it was a lie when you said you loved me.. it is not right and not fair to me.. and to my already broken heart... God i need you both now and you are not here.. you will never be here for me... never.... you just dont care for me and i am dying with that pain of knowing that you never cared at all. God it hurts . it is hurting deep tonight , very deep why did you do this to me? WHY DID YOU A MINISTER NOT CARE FOR ME? WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME WHEN YOU SAID YOU BOTH LOVED ME? WHY? GOD WHY???