I've recently entered year 10 of suicidal thoughts and mental illness. I'm slowly becoming an incredibly angry, aggressive person after suffering like this for so long. I spend about 6 months out of the year bedridden with suicidal thoughts and the number is only increasing. I have no control over my life and just found out that I have to move out-of-state in four months and start from scratch with a new therapist, doctor, case manager, and functional support specialist. I've been trying to convince myself for a few months that maybe I don't have to kill myself but it seems pretty obvious now. I feel like such an idiot for thinking I maybe had a chance. All I do is take up space. I thought if I worked really hard with my therapist, maybe one day I could get a minimum wage job and live in a studio apartment by myself until I died alone but I guess even that's too much to hope for. I don't like the angry, bitter, irritable person I've become. I used to be so patient. I just keep thinking of all the things I'd never have to deal with again if I killed myself. I'd never have to go to therapy or take another pill or cry or remember being raped or have a nightmare or hate myself for eating or be lonely on a weekend or feel jealous or hate my body or embarrass myself or hurt somebody or fail or be abused or endure another setback. I'm just not cut out for this. All this hard work and for what? I don't want to be here anymore. I want to be brave and just get it over with and kill myself so I won't have to feel so awful.