Can't take much more.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ponkotsu, Dec 12, 2015.

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  1. ponkotsu

    ponkotsu Well-Known Member

    I've recently entered year 10 of suicidal thoughts and mental illness. I'm slowly becoming an incredibly angry, aggressive person after suffering like this for so long. I spend about 6 months out of the year bedridden with suicidal thoughts and the number is only increasing. I have no control over my life and just found out that I have to move out-of-state in four months and start from scratch with a new therapist, doctor, case manager, and functional support specialist. I've been trying to convince myself for a few months that maybe I don't have to kill myself but it seems pretty obvious now. I feel like such an idiot for thinking I maybe had a chance. All I do is take up space. I thought if I worked really hard with my therapist, maybe one day I could get a minimum wage job and live in a studio apartment by myself until I died alone but I guess even that's too much to hope for.

    I don't like the angry, bitter, irritable person I've become. I used to be so patient. I just keep thinking of all the things I'd never have to deal with again if I killed myself. I'd never have to go to therapy or take another pill or cry or remember being raped or have a nightmare or hate myself for eating or be lonely on a weekend or feel jealous or hate my body or embarrass myself or hurt somebody or fail or be abused or endure another setback. I'm just not cut out for this. All this hard work and for what? I don't want to be here anymore. I want to be brave and just get it over with and kill myself so I won't have to feel so awful.
     
  2. ponkotsu

    ponkotsu Well-Known Member

    Dog won't stop barking. I don't have the energy to get up and check what's wrong. I used to take him out for walks all the time but now I don't care. When I was trying to convince myself that I should stay alive, I told myself that I could devote my life to my dog. I failed at that too.
     
  3. ponkotsu

    ponkotsu Well-Known Member

    Nobody replied to me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm invisible or a ghost.

    My psychiatrist thinks I have BPD. More proof I should kill myself. I don't think I could endure that kind of stigma.
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, I am so sorry for the lack of replies I can only speak for myself but this site is on a new platform and we are still getting used to it. I am diagnosed with BPD, it is not a reason or proof to kill yourself. I am coping fine with treatment and seeing a psych nurse regularly. I really hope things improve for you and that your new doc/psych/therapist are even better than your last. You deserve the best. Best of luck to you. BPD is treatable and you will be able to manage with the right supports around you.

    Keep talking to us because we do care. Many people read the thread but don't know what to say or feel they might write the wrong thing, keep posting and remember you are important and deserve to be helped :)
     
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