Cant take much more...

[Total]

I cant take it. Ive been bullied so much i dont know whats what...

PRIMARY SCHOOL
It all began in Year 1(Grade 1) of Primary School(Elementary School) i was rather short. I was teased constantly because of my height. I was apparently a Cute little boy but very short... And at that age it wasnt easy to take so much Critisizm. So at about Year 3 my Older Brother introduced me to Video Gaming. It was amazing. I Could do anything, Anywhere at anytime and i could escape the Bullying. But it led to even worse bullying... All Through year 6 and year 7 they called me a nerd and outcast me, I was Sexually, Physically and Mentally Abused every Single Day! I was cast out and rejected.

HIGH SCHOOL
And then i entered highschool. I had hoped for a better future. A NEW beginning... But unfortunetly the Main Bully from my old school also whent to this school. And it got worse... Soon the whole of year 8 was disgusted of me. I only ever said kind things. And i had a love for all people no matter what... But the Rejection got worse. Everyone rejected me so i played my Video games. I Got addicted to the MMORPG World of Warcraft which i met some people that changed my life... But my life changed back soon after. Since i was in my room trying to escape the world i developed terrible ACNE on my Forehead and i grew my hair long, Right now i have Shoulder length hair. I got insulted and pushed... I got into a fight at one point during term 2 trying to defend the one person that helped me... We were in a solid fight for 5 minutes until i was Kneed just above the bladder which caused internal Bleeding. I tried to fake sick all the time through the year because i didnt want to attend school. My Grades dropped from Solid A's to B's to Even C's and D's due to Bullying.

PARENTS:
My Mother is wonderful. Always helps me out around and is a great person...
My Dad is a Racist, Homophobic, Sexist, Discriminatory, Diabetic who thinks the world should obey him and does so whereever he goes (Argueing and Fighting with people and secretly insulting people of the opposite race... He once insulted his doctor because he didnt want Injections from a Black Female) Back in Czechoslovakia he was the Bully in his school days. And he attacks me because im a so called Nerd. He calls me a nerd and Hits me and Attacks me, Making me feel worthless...

And right now i dont know whats going on...
I feel burning rage... I cant tell friend from foe, I start to cry at the most simple piece of Critisizm, I have constant back injurys and Acheing hands and Muscles... Oh... And The Headaches, Constantly, Headaches and Migraines out of the blue they attack me and take hold sending me onto the ground clutching my Face and head and Screaming in agony. I am starting to lose my sight. And at night the only dreams i have are Lucid. But everything goes wrong and the horror and murder make me afraid to go to sleep. I bite my nails and even the tops of my finger. And when im Alone... I talk to myself aloud. And Reply... Ive had a 2 hour conversation about Politics, Global warming, The war in Iraq, and the Economy of Aman'thul... With Myself... And because of which...

I look and see guns... I have Dreams about me commiting Murder, About Killing people... The Guns in my hand and i turn homicidal... And as i walk down the street on a normal day i see a person and i turn to anger... I want to hit them with a blunt object.... And then i look at myself and cry and go out in fits of rage and Seizures and i think of commiting suicide... And its all because of my Father and just One Kid who wouldnt let it go...

Why me...?
Only just im moving into Year 9... And yet... I fell like im going to kill somebody... Or Myself

And im starting... To Become Paranoid... I cant walk down the street without thinking that people are going to Judge me... Which makes me want to... To... Kill them... =(

 

[Robin]

Hi Total, sorry it took a while for anyone to respond to your post, I really think it's important you talk to someone about these two people that are making your life a misery. You've made an important step posting your feelings here but I think you need something just a little bit more to help you cope right now.

I see that you have made friends and it's not unusual for young guys or even older ones to enjoy getting engrossed in games especially when they are as good as WoW (or so I hear, did hear about a chinese girl who died of exhaustion after 3 days of camping out the black prince dragon or something).

Someone in the real world who can help you cope with the confusing feelings you're going through right now could be a real boon for you, it's amazing what structured chat can do for a person when it's done right but it's best to find someone who has trained to help people like yourself with what you are going through.

I hope that posting here has helped in some way and I would encourage you to post more if you find it helpful, hopefully you can make a few friends here too

 

[pit]

I empathize with your plight. Somehow I survived bullying in my youth. But as an adult, I'm bullied in subtler ways.

I feel like killing somebody every day. I'd love to kill a corporate CEO or business president. These people suck. I would kill them and their families. I'd love to see the tears in their eyes.

 

[gag]

So you're in the 9th grade right?

For the most part, in my highschool anyways, bullying decreased more and more as the years continued on.

On the bright side, when you're out of school you won't have to worry about bullying, it's a kids game really, anyone with maturity doesn't bully others.

On another bright side, in a few years, you'll be able to stand up to your dad to the point he won't be able to push you around the way he does.

On another note, if people think you're a nerd, who cares man?
Everyone has some nerdy quality about then, whether they'd admit it or not.

I don't look like a nerd or anything of the sort, but I play video games, watch Star Wars, I play WoW (BTW, if you ever want to play, PM me for my username), in fact I've probably got more nerdy qualities than the guys who people deem as being nerds.

Through time it will get better.

And as far as wanting to kill people, you're around the age where you begin to realize the world just flat out sucks, and people for the most part are small minded and mean, so of course you're going to be upset with that.
But you've just got to adjust, the sooner you come to grips with the fact that the opinions of others really don't matter, the sooner you'll enjoy life.

 

[A_pixie]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. High school is full of ignorant shits who think they can treat people as they please without any kind of consequence. They pick on you because they are threatened by the fact that you're a sensitive guy who has people defending him. Talking to yourself is a good thing I find it calms me down when I'm in a rage about something, and it has stopped me making bad decisions.

Please don't kill yourself over the actions of some thoughtless creep in high school and your disturbed father. I was crying a little reading your post about your internal bleeding, all because of some prick who won't stop harassing you. Have you considered calling the police because that is classed under grievous bodily harm, I'm sure of it. NOBODY has the right to do that to you and I really wish I could hug you right now.

Please, please, please don't hurt yourself, you have a mother you love you say, and I'm sure she could help you through this. Let me know how you are soon...please...

****** xxxxxx

 

[sophie5121]

omg its really upset me reading your post and i really feel for you and im here if you wanna talk or pm me
i agree with everyone else you should tell somebody.. maybe your mom?
and i also think you should go to the police about the boy who asulted you.
im also in highschool but in year 10 and its not just your school with a load of pricks mine does too.. i hate people at high school they just don't have a clue the effect they have on everyone else it just makes me so mad.
Dont worry about the hole talking to yourself thing i do it too.. i find it really helps.. if we have no1 else in this world thers alwys ourselfs i suppose
please dont give up just tell someone
always here
sophie x

 

[Anime-Zodiac]

Have you talked to anyone about whats going on, like your mother or someone you trust.

Don't give in or give up.