cant take this any more...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by justmeonlyme, Jul 2, 2010.

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  1. justmeonlyme

    justmeonlyme Long Time SFer Staff Alumni

    here i am yet again alone... crying feeling lower than low... haven't slept in 35 and a half hrs... i just want it to be over i feel isolated and alone... i feel like the ground below me is opening up ready to swallow me... i feel as though every little bit of me is been torn to bits... my heart feels like its be ripped out and ground into the ground... i feel myself sinking deeper and deeper... theres only one escape... i have a plan!! not a date but at this rate it want be long...
    im meant to be turning 17 in less than a month tbh i dont see myself making it that far... im sorry it hurts to much. the one thing i still enjoyed ive lost all interest in art was my rescue i could enter that art room and feel free it was my safe place... now... now... i dread that room... my school has always had high achievements achieved in the art department theres this standard and i new i could do that... now idk any more i just i cant do it it just makes me mad i cant reach that standard none of my work is at the right level any more... whats the point in anything any more... im sorry im at the end... i cant do this any more!! im sorry :cry:
  2. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    hun u can, u truely have teh strength in u i have seen it. You did the right thing in posting for support, i will try and help u in any way i can as i no the feeling all to well. :hug: is there anyway u can get anymore support from proffesionals etc? i no u dont want ur parents to no, but would u rather them no so they can support u more than them having to deal with the loss of there daughter, which is something they will never get over??

    Please keep posting and u no where i am if u need me. You can do this i no u can u have the strength to succeed in life!! :wub:
  3. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    :hug: Gentle **hugs** for you. You are not totally alone...we are all here with you :hug:

    Hey, perhaps you are being a bit too harsh on yourself? It's difficult to be at the top of something, even something we are gifted and talented at, when one has been feeling depressed and had a rough year. Maybe cut yourself some slack, be a little gentle on you, a bit less harsh, a bit more understanding. :console: If a friend were depressed and having difficulties in school, in a subject in which they excel, I'm sure you would try to reason with them to be gentle on themselves and help them understand that their work will improve, yes? I'm sure you will get it back, that it will once again bring pleasure and enjoyment.

    You know what?

    You really really need some sleep kiddo :hug: Maybe talk to folks here, then rest your head on a pillow, listen to some gentle music? Lack of sleep surely isn't helping how you feel right now. It's difficult to make sound decisions or think clearly when we can't get proper rest.

    please don't do anything to hurt you :hug: You can cry on all our shoulders instead of being alone, okay :console:

    i hope you get some good sleep.
  4. justmeonlyme

    justmeonlyme Long Time SFer Staff Alumni

    im trying maddy i really am but i dont think i can... and there is no way i will ever talk to mum about any of this ever!! im meant to be seeing my consular on the 12th july but yea idk... i cant really tell her whats going on...
    i dont have any strength left maddy im sorry....
  5. justmeonlyme

    justmeonlyme Long Time SFer Staff Alumni

    its not my friend in this position its me i really couldn't care less about me!!
    art is the one thing i had...was the one reason i was still trying without my art i would have given up on school alot sooner!!!
    i would sleep if i wasnt so dam scared... :(
  6. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    I'm so very sorry things are so rough for you. There are many things you can do to make it better. We care here and will offer you everything we have and will help you get through this. I just said a prayer for you. You seem like an amazing person.But you are too hard on yourself. Even the greatest artists ever have had a few down peroids.I think it's great you are an artisit. Do you know that most artisits go through a period when they have a block? It is just part of the creative process. Maybe you need therapy to get your artisitc life going again. There is a book called "The Artists Way" by Julia Cameron that many people say is great and has helped them work though their blocks.

    Also please help me understand why you won't tell your therapist your problems. You have to tell SOMEONE. If you need to tell us or PM someone here you like and trust. Get all that OUT don't leave it in PLEASE.

    We will give you all the love and support you need. We NEED you too. Let's all help each other and do it together. Don't despair,hope is here!!!!

    Write of you like,

  7. justmeonlyme

    justmeonlyme Long Time SFer Staff Alumni

    its not a block i new exactly what i needed to paint i new exactly how to do it but then i put the brush to the page and just messed it up...
    i want talk to my consular coz she is no help!! ive told her before that i was suicidal and she just shrugged it off and said that when i go the self harm down i wouldn't feel like this!! the consular i had before the one i had before her did the same thing!! what the point!!
  8. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Well you just have to find better people. I think it's shameful that your councilor acted like that. You need a real therapist or a support group{Maybe 12 step). You need people who can understand you and offer real help and support. Those others sound unprofessional.

    As far as the art goes,maybe you just need a break. Or maybe a new art form to focus on for a while. Writing or music maybe. You may just be getting in your own way now because of stress. You are naturally creative and you can channel that creativity into other avenues. You sound like a cool person and I think you will go back to your painting. You might just need a break. Maybe you put too much pressure on yourself. If it was there once , you still have it. You will get it back!!!!

  9. justmeonlyme

    justmeonlyme Long Time SFer Staff Alumni

    ok well there is nothing like any of that sort of thing over here unless you have a problem with drugs or alcohol!! theres prity much nothing over here!!
    and i can thats my school work i cant just not do it!!
  10. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Have you told the teachers you can't do it . They may be good about it and help.
    You might be surprised abou the groups in your area you may have to do a little net research.

    Tell me in more detail whay happens when you paint. You just can;t control what you want to do? Describe to me what happens. Maybe we can figure out what it is. Maybe subconciously you are punishing yourself by taking that away from you? I don't know. But lets talk about the problem in detail. Please describe it to me.
  11. justmeonlyme

    justmeonlyme Long Time SFer Staff Alumni

    no, like i said NO ONE irl has a clue!!! and thats how i want it to stay and im doing ncea a deadline is a deadline if i dont met it well to bad!!
    i live in the middle of no where there is nothing i have to travel 30mins just to see my consular!!

    i no what i need to do when i pain i no how it need to do it its like i start painting and its like my brain says one thing and my hand does another....then it ends up bad and i try to fix it and then its just ends up even worse and then theres my teacher pushing us to do well and hold up the high art standards that my school has!!
  12. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Hi Emma,

    So it's more of s technical problem than a lack of creativity. Are you on meds or anything that might effect your co-ordination? You seem to be under so much pressure by this school. That's not good. Maybe you should stop trying and just let it flow and see what happens. Take the pressure on yuorself. That's what might be causing all this that massive pressure.

    Play with it and don't make it soooo important and see of the play helps you bring back your skills. If you try too hard sometimes it stops the creative energy.

    Try to have fun with it.If it isn't fun it's not worth your time. Make it fun and take it easy on yuorself. Who cares what that precious school thinks!!!!
  13. justmeonlyme

    justmeonlyme Long Time SFer Staff Alumni

    no im not on meds... idk like last year that pressure is what kept me motivated, i am a perfectionist and thats whats always helped in my art its always been like the thing that pushed me past the achieved and into the merit and excellence... its the perfectionism that is what got me as far as i have in my art... and its those results that keep me doing it
  14. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    perfectionism is great if it is working for you. It seems to be causing trouble now. Why not give yourself permission to fail. Do it on purpose and then try to let go of it for a while. Let it be fun.

    I think your having trouble because you may resent the pressure on some level.So you stop yourself from doing it. Does that make sense. Don't make it so overwhelmingly powerful. I'm sure you could be great at other things too. Once you have that artistic vision you can apply it to anything.
  15. justmeonlyme

    justmeonlyme Long Time SFer Staff Alumni

    i will NEVER let myself fail failure is not an option!!
  16. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    I meant do it to get past the failure. Permit it so you don't fear it. Maybe that's not a goode idea for you. But the kind of pressure you out on yourself is pretty difficult to live with I would imagine. I just mean back off so you can come back stronger.
  17. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    No one is perfect, and until you come to terms that there is no way that you can be perfect, the easier it will be for you to grow from every trial that comes your way. Life is full of trial and error, if you try to convince yourself that you will not or cannot error, or that it is not an option, you are really lying to yourself and setting yourself up for failure. Also by holding things in and not opening up to people who know you intimately and in your daily life is your choice not theirs. I am sure they would do their best to help you if you allowed them to, and seeing that you have choose not to proves that:hugtackles: this situation can be fixed by your efforts. Make a decision now. Let people in to help if you want help. That is the only way. No one was born mind readers. Blessings..
  18. justmeonlyme

    justmeonlyme Long Time SFer Staff Alumni

    ok 1st of all FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION!!
    2nd the art stuff thats not the only issue its just the tip of the freaking ice berg
  19. TrentGrad

    TrentGrad Well-Known Member

    Emma, why isn't failure an option? Whether it's the greatest minds, the greatest athletes or the greatest artists the world has ever known, there is one common feature: they have all failed at some point.

    Humanity's ability to reason is tempered by experience, and those experiences are defined by our ability to learn from our mistakes. Indeed, you could say that if you don't fail at something, you either got lucky, or you learned nothing new.

    Failing at something is nothing to be embarassed or ashamed of, so long as you get back up and learn from your mistake!

    Finally Emma, this is your thread...why don't you tell us all of the issues that make up the iceberg. Let it all out, and leave nothing out.

    There are so many on this website that adore you, and want nothing more than to help you feel even a little better. We will never give up on don't you give up on yourself...or on us, okay?

  20. justmeonlyme

    justmeonlyme Long Time SFer Staff Alumni

    i should never have made a thread im sorry for wasting peoples time!! im just gana stop talking i make i mess i never have anything to back up my points its all just in my head i no it is but it doesnt change a thing so thats where it will stay... in my head!!!
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