can't take this anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by fashionzombies, Dec 11, 2006.

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  1. fashionzombies

    fashionzombies New Member

    hi, this is my first post, and i've never really been into one of these, but i'm just really messed up.
    my name is ashley, i'm a lesbian and just got out of a very serious relationship w/ somebody i love very deeply. i use to be a cutter for five years, and recently stopped three months ago for this girl.
    we broke up yesterday because of how i am. i am a selfish fucking bitch and i really messed this up. she is still my life and my soul and always will be. i had so many chances to make it better, but i didn't, because i thought i was going to fix it, but i didn't. she doesn't think i love her, which is terrible because i don' think she realizes that i love her more than anything in this whole world, and it isn't some stupid puppy love shit. i just want to cut and just fucking die. i don't know what to do, and i'm going to visit her on friday (she moved to maine recently because of her fucking mother) and i don't know what to do.
    also, another stress is school. i'm very intelligent and take all ap and honors classes + my passion for tv. i have exams this week and studying is just tearing me completely apart. i'm so emotionally exhausted and i just don't want to do this shit anymore. i don't care about college anymore..i just want to get out of HERE.
    i don't know, i need help, and somebody to talk to would be very nice. thanks.
  2. roses

    roses Member

    Hello there Ashley,

    first of all, I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so bad.

    The first thing you must realise is that you are not selfish and none of what happened with your girlfriend is your fault at all. Remember that depression chooses people, people don't choose depression - so if the depression you were feeling hindered your relationship in anyway it is not your fault.

    I'm going to post this now and edit it some more within the next 15 minutes, because I want you to see that there is someone here for you now.

    EDIT --

    Wow, it sounds like you really love this girl! I'm so sorry to hear about you breaking up. The important thing to realise is that it is very hard for most people to understand depression (which is, I presume, the reason you used to cut yourself). DEPRESSION SUCKS BALLS!

    Do you find it hard to express things verbally? Sometimes depression can make us this way, or make people think we are trying to distance ourselves from them when we aren't. Perhaps writing down how you feel about her in a letter will help. Perhaps you could give this to her when you see her on Friday? If she really does feel like you don't love her, I'm sure this will help ease her worries.

    Ah, yes, the pressure of exams. I teach high school Biology, and over the years I've seen hundreds of students just break down - all because of exams. So, I can symphasise with you here. I know they really suck balls, but just keep reminding yourself that they'll be over soon! Also, remember that an exam is never worth your happiness.

    Aw, sweetie. It sounds like you're really, really depressed.

    Is there anyway you can get in contact with this girl, right now, or soon? If you told her how you feel it might make a world of difference - she needs to know that you love her, and usually nothing works better than a heart-to-heart.

    Please don't give up, we need more bright, intelligent people in this world and one more light truly will go out if you disappear.

    Don't give up sweetie x

    If you want to talk anymore, you can PM or anything you want.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 11, 2006
  3. hatelife

    hatelife Active Member

    hey and welcome. i hope that you can come to this site more and find a good group here. the people are wounderful even though im not sure how many realise it.

    i know the feeling of wanting to put all the blame on yourself. i agree with roses, this is not the best way to go. too many people will tell other people that they are selfish but that is not true. society is selfish not an individual. you are not. if you were selfish then you would not of been able to feel the love for another human being.

    please remember that there is people here for you to listern, you are not alone through this.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 11, 2006
  4. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member


    Welcome to the forum. You may try talking to this girl and see if she will give you another chance. As long as you want to change for the sake of the relationship. As for college...I am in my third year and hate it as well. Somedays i wonder why I even bother. But I want a degree so i can prove to the world that I can earn it. I am willing to chat anytime.
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