can't take this anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by The Invisible Girl, Oct 12, 2015.

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  1. The Invisible Girl

    The Invisible Girl New Member

    Hi this is my first post,

    I've been dealing with mental health issues from a very young ages and have dealt with suicidal ideation from around 10 years old but it wasn't until I was 16 that I actually started to think about doing it properly...I always wanted to but the thought of hurting people was enough to stop me. They say most people don't actually want to die and they just want the pain to stop but I truly, whole heartedly want to die.

    I've come close to it before...tried different ways but I never went through with it. It was also something that I was sure I needed to do but recently I've had a guilt crisis.
    Even though I'm an adult, I'm my mothers only child. She is a single mother with no partner and I'm basically her world. At one point I was sure she'd be better off without me. I told myself that having her life revolve around me was unhealthy and that if I committed suicide, once she got over my death, she'd have a more fulfilled and balanced life but recently a wave of dread, panic and guilt came over me and I realised that I might be kidding myself by thinking that and she's just completely breakdown which breaks my heart.

    No I'm in constant conflict with myself about killing myself. It was so much easier when I was sure I was going to do it. I felt at peace, things were easier but no it's so much harder and the guilt is eating me up.

    I want to die so badly but I don't want to destroy my mothers life. I don't know what to do, I can't do this any more...there's no way around it but I don't want to have to cause someone else pain by ending my own.

    I feel like I'm suffocating.

    I guess I came her to not feel so alone.

    Thank you :)
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    (hug) Welcome to SF! I'm glad you have found us and shared your feelings. You are not alone. I think as your read others' threads, you will feel less alone.

    What is making you feel suffocated? Is it that your mother's life is sort of hingeing on yours? Have you and your mother talked about that? If you cannot talk to your mother, how about a school counsellor or your family doctor? Your mother might not see that she is very protective and unconsciously holding you back. An open discussion might allow you both to see things from each other's point of view.

    I'm sorry you feel so badly and that suicidal feelings enter your mind. Please don't hurt yourself. You seem like a smart and caring person with lots to offer the world. Your mother obviously loves you and you her - you care about her feelings - so talking is a better solution than doing something to hurt yourself, isn't it?

    Be safe and strong! (hug)
  3. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    Hey there Invisible Girl, welcome to the forum. I'm new here to and I've already found that this is a safe place of exclusively kind and caring people who understand how painful life can get. I usually post my longer messages in chunks because my phone freezes up a lot and forces me to start my messages over.
  4. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    First of all no matter how you feel right now I'm sure that your mother would much prefer you stayed alive. Second of all I really believe despite what you are saying here that if you had a choice between being dead and suddenly feeling great and happy, you would choose happiness. I understand that when you are in this frame of mind that it feels like you will always feel terrible and that there's no point in living a terrible existence, I think everybody on this forum has had that feeling. It has helped me to save some sort of message to myself when I'm not suicidal to remind me that life doesn't always feel this bad. For me it's a song that I heard in an incredibly happy moment and hearing it doesn't make me feel better, it just reminds me that there are more moments like that one ahead that make the misery worth living through.
  5. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    Third of all I know how comforting and addicting suicide ideation can become, I'm struggling with it right now. I also want you to know that someone who is capable of caring about people the way you care about your mother is a valuable person who can always find a place in the world. I also joined this forum so as not to feel so alone, please free to message me if you want to vent or just have a conversation. We all care about each other here and there's always someone here to reach out to when you feel alone.:)
  6. The Invisible Girl

    The Invisible Girl New Member

    thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I don't what is making me feel suffocated, I think it's life in general. I have spent so much of my life fantasising about dying that I can't even remember the original reason for wanting to die. It was like a snowball effect, lots of reason kind of just rolled up into one. I think the main reason I feel suffocated now is because I'm so conflicted about suicide. When I didn't feel conflicted, my I actually made the decision to take my life and made the plans, I felt free. Suicide feels like my light at the end of the tunnel and now I'm questioning whether or not I should do it...Now I feel so guilty about even considering, it feels like my light at the end of the tunnel has been taken away and that makes me feel like I can't breathe.

    I have sought help for my problems, I have been put on medication for quite a while now, I've had several different types of therapy but none seemed to work, now I've been put on a waiting list for a type of behavioural therapy which was particularly designed for people who were chronically suicidal but the waiting list is months and months and when you feel like this, as I'm sure you'll now, everyday feels like a huge battle and I don't know if I can wait that long for something that may not even work.

    I'm honestly not sure if talking will help but I told myself that I should at least try. I'm not sure talking will take this feeling away in the long run but it's helping me in this minute, so thank you a lot :)
  7. The Invisible Girl

    The Invisible Girl New Member


    Thank you also for taking the time to reply, I appreciate it. I think it's hard for me to imagine anything different because I started thinking about dying when I was 10, I'd lie on my bedroom floor and pretend to die when I felt sad and doing so made me feel better. I can't really remember much before the age of 10 and most of what I do remember, I was never a happy child so it's just difficult to think of how life can be any different.

    I'm sorry to hear you are also struggling right now. It's really nice and comforting for you to say that and the same applies to you :)
  8. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    No problem, I've found that just being here and venting helps, I've kept the pain inside for a long time it feels good to start reaching out to people to understand and trying to heal. I'm going to have to sign off for a while in a little bit but feel free to message me in the future of you feel you need someone to talk to.
  9. The Invisible Girl

    The Invisible Girl New Member

    Okay then, I'll bare that in mind. Thanks again :)
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