Can't take this anymore....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RumoursOfMyDemise, Nov 20, 2011.

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  1. RumoursOfMyDemise

    RumoursOfMyDemise Well-Known Member

    I'm just so sick of everything, really. I don't really even have the energy to write this... I wish I'd died when I tried to kill myself in July. My family were the only reason I didn't and still haven't done so, but they don't understand me at all, they just don't seem to give a shit about me. I'm sick of being a 17-year-old fuck up. I have no friends, no chance of ever being in a relationship, I have zero contact with anyone really. I feel almost like a feral human at times - I have so little genuine interaction with people. I'm sick of the social anxiety. I'm sick of the MDD and SAD combined in one big suicidal mushroom cloud. I'm sick of living in a shitty life with no meaningful connection to anyone and taking no real pleasure in anything anymore. I've always been an outsider, never fit in anywhere in my whole life. If it turns out that I do have autism (currently going through the diagnosis process), it will definitely be the last straw. I have an assessment for uni which is due in tomorrow, which will definitely be late in. I've been putting it off due to how incredibly shit I've been feeling, and the fact that I've pretty much had a breakdown over the last few days. I can't even concentrate on anything anyway. I'll read the same passage of words over and over again, but not be able to take in any information. It's the same with classes. It's only my first year, and I feel like I'm failing already. I have no friends at uni, I'm an outcast as always. I've actually been considering quitting uni because of this, but my parents will go insane. I'd also have to get a full time job if I did this, which would probably be just as bad in terms of my mood and being an outcast. What's the point? I'm gonna be miserable either way...

    I don't really want to die - I just want this pain to end - but it honestly seems like killing myself is the only way that's ever gonna happen. I feel depressed around 90-95% of the time. It feels like nothing is ever gonna change. Even getting out of bed is a massive ordeal now. Why should I stick around for another 7-8 decades of misery? I can't go on like this...
     
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  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun i am so sorry you are feeling so low hun. Have you talked to your doctor about getting on some meds to help decrease the sadness or getting some therapy to help you get through all the stuff your feeling.
    You like many of us don';t see a light at the end tunnel but it is there okay it is with help support that you will get the light will show itself I do hope you talk to councillors at the university your at and get some support okay just to talk to someone helps hun hugs
     
  3. RumoursOfMyDemise

    RumoursOfMyDemise Well-Known Member

    My psychiatrist (who I've now stopped seeing) put me on prozac for 12 months, which only really made matters worse (and was actually what I tried to OD on in July, hence giving me an easy method), so I'm not really keen to try the medication route again too soon. I'm not really convinced with the whole antidepressants thing anyway. My MDD is caused more by my constant loneliness and lack of interpersonal relationships than anything else. I don't see how drugs are going to change that. As for therapy, I saw my psychiatrist for over 2 years, and she did NOTHING to help me. She even breached the supposed 'confidentiality' thing (complete joke) after I told her about my dad, and she threatened to tell my mum that I self harm. I dunno what to do...
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    I think you should give the medication another try, it takes time to find the right combination for you. You don't have anything to lose, give it another go :hug:
     
  5. RumoursOfMyDemise

    RumoursOfMyDemise Well-Known Member

    Why? It might just mess me up even more. Prozac has messed me up so much. The only reason I'd go back on them is for an easy way out.
     
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