How can you keep going when you've just lost all faith in the world, in yourself and in other people? For so many years, at school, I struggled to make friends, I felt so lonely, people at school gave me crap about how I looked and about how camp I was, the few friends I did have made clear they didn't really like me, they were only putting up with me...which eventually led me to become depressed when I was 16, which in turn led me to become even more desperate about my lack of social life and lonely and destroyed any self-confidence I had. The only thing that kept me going that whole time was the delusion that things would finally be better once I went to University, that I'd meet people who I got on with better there, that I'd find myself and magically be happier.....
The first time I went to uni in 2009, it went horribly wrong. I made a few friends on my course, but their accommodation was quite a long wayaway from mine, it was hard to meet up....I didn't really get on with my flatmates, I ended up spending a LOT of time in my room, my depression got worse and worse. Eventually, after about 5 months, I was put on antidepressants and left the uni because I just couldn't take it anymore.....parents convinced me to go back to the uni at the start of the new academic year and start a new course. They convinced me that I'd just been unlucky to end up in a flat with people I didn't get on with, and that it would magically be all better if I tried again....
So I restarted last September (2010), and happened to end up in a block with people I immediately got on really well with. There were loads of girls there, who I naturally get on better with (I'd gone to an allboys school so hadn't really had a chance to hang out with girls much before uni, which was probably part of why I'd struggled so much socially at school), and one of my flatmates was a straight guy but who was REALLY open-minded and tolerant and accepting of me...which was quite new to me, most guys I'd ever hung out with were either gay or couldn't stand my camp personality. For those first 3 months, I actually did pretty well...I had some bad days due to the depression, but friends (including the flatmate who I was close to) kind of helped me to get through them...for the first time in a long time, I felt appreciated and that I actually meant something to people outside of my family.
Then when I went back to uni after xmas (Jan 2011) - basically that was the time where people needed to be sorting out houses for next year, who they'd be living with, etc. The flatmate I was close to, me and him and a few other people in our block had sort of talked vaguely before xmas about sharing together....but then, after xmas, my flatmate suddenly told me that he didn't want to share with me because I was too "draining" to be around when I was depressed. That really sent me spiralling down into feeling suicidal.... it might sound overdramatic, and maybe it was, but it just felt like such a rejection, from someone who I trusted even though I'd only known him a short time....I really came close to killing myself that night, until I called my dad, and then i dropped out of uni (again).
And in the whole 12 months since then, I've just not recovered, at all. I've cascaded through all the "safety nets" that are supposed to be there for depressed people in that time - so many different types of antidepressants, counselling, even hospital - and nothing has worked, because all other people can do in the end is tell you that "only you can beat this", and I just don't have the strength or faith in myself to do it. The whole 12 months since I dropped out of uni, I've barely had any social contact with anyone atall....the people I was at uni with the second time haven't bothered to get in touch atall, and the people I was at school with I drifted away from a longtime ago. This whole time, the only thing that's kept me going is some ridiculous belief that I'll go to sleep and wake up and find this was all a dream and that it's still 2010 and I'm still at uni and I haven't messed everything up yet. Tonight I went on Facebook for the first time in ages and just looked through pictures of people I was at school/uni with enjoying themselves and feeling so jealous...it just seems so unfair that I don't get any "happy ending" after struggling with this depression for so long. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself, but if I don't do that then I just get so angry at myself, at my depression, at people for not understanding depression, at the people I was at uni with for rejecting me, at people I was at school with for taking my confidence. It might sound immature, but I just can't get past how unfair it seems. I can't delude myself into thinking if I go back to uni again that things will magically be different...it's been too many times that I've failed now. The landscape is so bleak, there's nothing to look forward to, it's all going to be the same forever..... I'm just so sick of feeling like this every single day. The weird thing is I actually feel like I should be able to be "normal" when it comes to friendships, I feel like I can be quite fun to be around and chatty (sometimes I probably talk too much and verge on the annoying side), and I'm actually quite confident even in big crowds or with new people ... but the depression then comes in and makes me an insecure mess and makes me lean on friends too much and makes me destroy those friendships. I just don't get why it seems too much to ask to be able to be happy and have friends that actually appreciate me.
The only thing that stopped me committing suicide before now is the thought that my family, especially my mum, would be destroyed.... but, as heartless as it sounds, love from parents and family members just isn't enough, they have to love you. I need to feel appreciated by other people, people my age, but I can see now it just isnt going to happen
I really don't even know why I'm posting this.... I guess even now I'm hoping someone is going to post some magic cure that no-one had ever told me about, even though I know in reality that's not going to happen.
The first time I went to uni in 2009, it went horribly wrong. I made a few friends on my course, but their accommodation was quite a long wayaway from mine, it was hard to meet up....I didn't really get on with my flatmates, I ended up spending a LOT of time in my room, my depression got worse and worse. Eventually, after about 5 months, I was put on antidepressants and left the uni because I just couldn't take it anymore.....parents convinced me to go back to the uni at the start of the new academic year and start a new course. They convinced me that I'd just been unlucky to end up in a flat with people I didn't get on with, and that it would magically be all better if I tried again....
So I restarted last September (2010), and happened to end up in a block with people I immediately got on really well with. There were loads of girls there, who I naturally get on better with (I'd gone to an allboys school so hadn't really had a chance to hang out with girls much before uni, which was probably part of why I'd struggled so much socially at school), and one of my flatmates was a straight guy but who was REALLY open-minded and tolerant and accepting of me...which was quite new to me, most guys I'd ever hung out with were either gay or couldn't stand my camp personality. For those first 3 months, I actually did pretty well...I had some bad days due to the depression, but friends (including the flatmate who I was close to) kind of helped me to get through them...for the first time in a long time, I felt appreciated and that I actually meant something to people outside of my family.
Then when I went back to uni after xmas (Jan 2011) - basically that was the time where people needed to be sorting out houses for next year, who they'd be living with, etc. The flatmate I was close to, me and him and a few other people in our block had sort of talked vaguely before xmas about sharing together....but then, after xmas, my flatmate suddenly told me that he didn't want to share with me because I was too "draining" to be around when I was depressed. That really sent me spiralling down into feeling suicidal.... it might sound overdramatic, and maybe it was, but it just felt like such a rejection, from someone who I trusted even though I'd only known him a short time....I really came close to killing myself that night, until I called my dad, and then i dropped out of uni (again).
And in the whole 12 months since then, I've just not recovered, at all. I've cascaded through all the "safety nets" that are supposed to be there for depressed people in that time - so many different types of antidepressants, counselling, even hospital - and nothing has worked, because all other people can do in the end is tell you that "only you can beat this", and I just don't have the strength or faith in myself to do it. The whole 12 months since I dropped out of uni, I've barely had any social contact with anyone atall....the people I was at uni with the second time haven't bothered to get in touch atall, and the people I was at school with I drifted away from a longtime ago. This whole time, the only thing that's kept me going is some ridiculous belief that I'll go to sleep and wake up and find this was all a dream and that it's still 2010 and I'm still at uni and I haven't messed everything up yet. Tonight I went on Facebook for the first time in ages and just looked through pictures of people I was at school/uni with enjoying themselves and feeling so jealous...it just seems so unfair that I don't get any "happy ending" after struggling with this depression for so long. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself, but if I don't do that then I just get so angry at myself, at my depression, at people for not understanding depression, at the people I was at uni with for rejecting me, at people I was at school with for taking my confidence. It might sound immature, but I just can't get past how unfair it seems. I can't delude myself into thinking if I go back to uni again that things will magically be different...it's been too many times that I've failed now. The landscape is so bleak, there's nothing to look forward to, it's all going to be the same forever..... I'm just so sick of feeling like this every single day. The weird thing is I actually feel like I should be able to be "normal" when it comes to friendships, I feel like I can be quite fun to be around and chatty (sometimes I probably talk too much and verge on the annoying side), and I'm actually quite confident even in big crowds or with new people ... but the depression then comes in and makes me an insecure mess and makes me lean on friends too much and makes me destroy those friendships. I just don't get why it seems too much to ask to be able to be happy and have friends that actually appreciate me.
The only thing that stopped me committing suicide before now is the thought that my family, especially my mum, would be destroyed.... but, as heartless as it sounds, love from parents and family members just isn't enough, they have to love you. I need to feel appreciated by other people, people my age, but I can see now it just isnt going to happen
I really don't even know why I'm posting this.... I guess even now I'm hoping someone is going to post some magic cure that no-one had ever told me about, even though I know in reality that's not going to happen.
