Can't take this on anymore..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by clickaux, Aug 14, 2014.

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  1. clickaux

    clickaux New Member


    I recently saw this forum and it made me re-think a bit..I was wondering if there is any other way for me rather than suicide.

    I am 16 years old. Been thinking about suicide for almost 1 year, was close to it only once when ran onto another city and wanted to <mod edit - method> but I gave it one last chance.. I don't know how much it will last.

    My dad doesn't cares about me, he actually almost hates me, always disrespects me, asks me for money, insults me, and other stuff I am just sick of and want to end. I am into legal problems having trial court into 30 days and will probably get in prison or end up with a lot of money to pay. I just cant handle this anymore.

    I am poor, barely earn money, all of them illegally just they bring some happiness which keeps me in my minds. I have several mental illness symptoms, probably having autism since I sometimes talk to myself and get into a state I just don't feel anything anymore and it's my unconscious acting doing bad things then realise what I've done and feel bad but proud about it in the same time, having sometimes illusions of random things and lights, but I don't wanna talk so anybody about it since not even my parents seem to care about me.

    I dropped out of school on 9th grade because I was getting bullied for being anorexic and now my parents think I joined school again but I didn't so I have like 1 month left before they find out. And when they will do they will probably get so pissed off just because they don't understand I don't wanna go to a school anymore, I don't need it. They're so close-minded, especially dad, thinking that people who don't go to school will get homeless, I know I'm better than that..But.. It's just the fact that I am so sick of all of this..

    I might think running away from home but since I did some bad things and will have trial court I will be searched by authorities and probably go to prison for running... I don't even know what to do. I don't know how I will survive If I do this, I don't wanna end up as a junkie.

    I am writing this hoping for a last solution besides suicide..If there's any....
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 15, 2014
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    You obviously have a lot on your plate to deal with and I am sorry that you feel so overwhelmed. Unfortunately, the truth is that being 16 and ill equipped to make good life decisions, you have worked your way into a difficult situation. I understand how that goes and believe me I have worked myself into some SERIOUSLY bad situations, and I know it feels that all is lost but it is not.

    If you end up in prison, then you do. It is bad but it is not the end of the world and there are a lot of people who want to and will help you get back on your feet and rehabilitate. You do, however, need to stop doing illegal things if you do want to repair your life.

    I do not agree that you do not need school. It is clear that you are making bad decisions and your life skills are low. If you want to earn money in a manner that will not end in prison, you need an eduction. This "I don't need it" attitude is keeping you down. School is not just about reading and math and such - it is about learning how to operate WITHIN a system, within rules and laws, and develop social skills and how to get on in society. You obviously do need all of these things so you can learn how to move forward without a repeat of the current situation.

    The way out is to speak to your parents. If your dad really is abusive and unhelpful, speak to your lawyer (I assume the court appointed one) and ask to speak with a social worker and lay your cards on the table. Ask for help. Explain that you know you screwed up and are thinking about dying and need help to straighten everything out. There are people who WILL help you - but you do also have to help yourself.

    I hope you find a solution that does not involve harming yourself.
  3. clickaux

    clickaux New Member

    Thanks Freia...I guess.

    For some time things have been better, I registered for school again and I was thinking it will be ok. Well, it isn't anymore.

    I tried for these almost 2 weeks to get over it, to think that I can do something with my life, I got past many bad things yet life gets worse and worse. The illegal things that I did was stealing credit cards, I know, I probably deserve to die just for this...But I stopped once seeing your message, realized there are other ways too. I started working, earned some nice amounts of money already. The problems started again 2 days ago.

    My dad came home around 1AM, drunk, started raging at me calling me idiot and others for no reason at all. He took my card and gone to the ATM and took half of the money I worked for and didn't justify their usage, he probably drank these too. And I can't do nothing about it because it is my mom's card and she doesn't has the courage to do something about this. For the first time when I was feeling good, knowing I have found my way and did good things, this happened. He simply destroyed all my wishes and reasons to live.

    About talking to my lawyer, I can't do that, he is a friend of dad and will tell him right away. Talking to dad has no sense at all, he lives his own idiotic life the way he knows just destroying me, doesn't gives 2 cents about my life. Talking to mom won't help, did it once, tried to convince her to divorce, she said she won't. I see no other options. Already wrote a suicide note and plan to do this in 10 days...
    If any of you guys think I have another choice..I will happily try. I do not want to die but I see no other choice.
  4. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    What country are you in? The first thing you should do is get your own bank account so that your pay goes into a place that is in your name and not in your mother's name. You got a job and earned some legal money - that is a massive step and that has not been taken away from you. Your dad took half the money and I understand why you are upset about that, but he didn't take your job or the progress that you have made.

    If you are living at home with your parents it can be argued that your parents do have some right to ask you for board money. That is just part of growing up and I think you need to take that one on the chin. You went back to school and that is great. Everything isn't going to fix itself immediately, certainly not in two weeks, but you made a really good start. In two years time you will be 18, the legal stuff will be behind you, you can move out and with the education you will have you can get a job and make a real life for yourself. The fact that you can't fix it "right now" doesn't mean that it is broken forever.

    If you cannot speak to your lawyer, ask at school or ask the police even if you can speak to a social worker in private. Explain about your situation and explain that you want help dealing with it. If your dad gets drunk and abusive and your mother won't help, then make use of the systems there are in place to help you.

    Dying isn't the answer - I am sorry everything feels so overwhelmingly crap right now, but it can and will get better. You need to not give up and give it time.
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