Can't talk...pls help!!!

I hate it that I can't talk. I can't explain myself well. People don't get me. Sometimes I formed sentences in my mind but I couldn't say them cuz I'm timid or I miss the opportunity or I just can't. Sometimes I regret not saying out then that it haunts my sleep. I feel so useless and bothersome. I failed miserably at interviews and I'm getting more and more nervous when I have to talk. I'm worried about them not understanding me that I talk so much I lose track of what I'm saying or I keep quiet so much they prompt me to talk. I can't look at people's eyes too. I have been jobless from time to time over the years. Shame on me! I stay at home most of the time so besides my family, I haven't spoken to anyone. I don't have any friends either. I feel I have simply lose the ability to talk. I can't handle phone conversations too. I get nervous even when I have to make a order for food. When I opened my mouth, no sound comes out. My throat just wouldn't make a sound at times. I'm scared. How can I face the future like this!? I can't find a job and I feel suicidal staying at home but it's so ironic I fear facing people, talking to them. But I'm not mute or going to be. ahhhh I dunno...am I making any sense???

I get creeps from listening to people's voice too. I wonder does it have anything to do with my brother cuz I hate it whenever he opened his mouth and those evil words slipped out...I jumped when I hear the phone rings too...what the f*** is wrong with me!???

Pls tell me!! if I can't find a job soon, I can't imagine what I will do. It means so much to me. I need to do this. I feel I'm an existence that can be wiped off from the face of the earth. I'm nothing. And I can't even talk. I feel so bad and painful. I live in a competitive country and I'm really behind everyone by dropping out of school years ago and not holding a full-time job. If I still can't find a job, honestly I may as well be gone. Less trouble for my family. They may not even be that upset.

I have no one to talk to about my problems and even if I have, I dunno if I can explain well. So I'm here. It really sucks that I live in a different timezone from most here. I'm sleeping whenever anyone reply. I can't even discuss THis is the worst!!!

 

Sounds like you may have Social Anxiety. There are things you can do if that is the case.

I recommend reading Gillian Butler's .Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness'.

 

You have explained yourself so well in writing hun so clear it is.
If you have to use your writing to help you explain to people what it is you want to say.
There is help medicaiton therapy to help you decrease the anxiety as well
talk to your regular doctor he or s he can prescribe something to help you hun

Use your writing hun type out what it is you want to say and use it to guide you in a interview or an appt with your doctor okay

 

I'm okay when I write. But I can't bring myself to say those words and I'm so nervous at times I forgot what to say. I don't feel like going to a doc. My family will know. That will make things worse, on top of everything I have done or not done.

 

I'm more scared now. I don't wanna be label with anything like that.

 

If you don't do anything then nothing will change hun
Get help so you can move forward okay get on meds so you can function
noone needs to know even Your family will be happy you are getting well not suffering

 

I'm so troublesome, aren't I!? If I don't wanna go to a doc, what am I doing here calling for help!? I'm such a lowlife. I should just die. I'm a waste of concern!! No wonder no one likes me. I'm soooooo fucked up!!! I deserve to be in pain, to be hurt. I'm so sick of myself!! they should locked me up and throw the keys away. let me rot to death!!!!

 

I feel sick that I'm wasting your and anyone's time by complaining and not really doing anything. But that's not true, at least to me. I forced myself to go out everyday. To do something outside at least. Go to the Job centres, interviews and grocery shopping (even though I'm not eating much nowadays). I take short walks in the late nights. I practice ordering at the same place again and again until I can get the correct order I want. If I have a question in mind (no matter how silly it seems), I pushed myself to work out the courage to ask it out, even if I may purposely pass by the counter 6-7 times. I tried, urged and forced myself but it feels more like punishment and I'm not getting any better. Everyone keep telling to get medical help but I can't. It will kill me to do so. I can't tell anyone about this. If not, I will have done so much earlier. I'm afraid of how I will be treated, how my family will feel, and how it will jeopardize my dimishing chances in finding a job. I know I'm being ridiculous. I lose my mind in the last post. This is sooo embarrassing for me. PLs move it to the let it out section. I do feel I'm a waste of concern. And you're right. I'm probably going to be this way forever.

 

Who cares about labels?
Do not use medication for it, IMHO, CBT is much better.

You do not deserve pain, give yourwself a chance.