I hate it that I can't talk. I can't explain myself well. People don't get me. Sometimes I formed sentences in my mind but I couldn't say them cuz I'm timid or I miss the opportunity or I just can't. Sometimes I regret not saying out then that it haunts my sleep. I feel so useless and bothersome. I failed miserably at interviews and I'm getting more and more nervous when I have to talk. I'm worried about them not understanding me that I talk so much I lose track of what I'm saying or I keep quiet so much they prompt me to talk. I can't look at people's eyes too. I have been jobless from time to time over the years. Shame on me! I stay at home most of the time so besides my family, I haven't spoken to anyone. I don't have any friends either. I feel I have simply lose the ability to talk. I can't handle phone conversations too. I get nervous even when I have to make a order for food. When I opened my mouth, no sound comes out. My throat just wouldn't make a sound at times. I'm scared. How can I face the future like this!? I can't find a job and I feel suicidal staying at home but it's so ironic I fear facing people, talking to them. But I'm not mute or going to be. ahhhh I dunno...am I making any sense??? I get creeps from listening to people's voice too. I wonder does it have anything to do with my brother cuz I hate it whenever he opened his mouth and those evil words slipped out...I jumped when I hear the phone rings too...what the f*** is wrong with me!??? Pls tell me!! if I can't find a job soon, I can't imagine what I will do. It means so much to me. I need to do this. I feel I'm an existence that can be wiped off from the face of the earth. I'm nothing. And I can't even talk. I feel so bad and painful. I live in a competitive country and I'm really behind everyone by dropping out of school years ago and not holding a full-time job. If I still can't find a job, honestly I may as well be gone. Less trouble for my family. They may not even be that upset. I have no one to talk to about my problems and even if I have, I dunno if I can explain well. So I'm here. It really sucks that I live in a different timezone from most here. I'm sleeping whenever anyone reply. I can't even discuss THis is the worst!!!