can't tell people the real reason

[lost_in_a_fairytale]

I haven't had any luck with job hunting so far and sometimes my mum gets annoyed about it, which is fair enough but I hate that stuff from the past still effects me now.

I mean she wants me to go on benefits in the meantime and I wouldn't have anything against it if it wasn't for having to meet people face-to-face. I'm already a shy person and feel uncomfortable in a lot of social situations (espesh with new people - espesh official type people that from my experience are patronizing/not easy to talk to), and because of that I worry it could trigger me to relapse in depression and of course I don't want that. In the past I've never been scared of relapse/thought of it, but I went through terrible depression a few years ago and was suicidal for a long time. Since then I've been desperate to avoid any situations I think might trigger depression because I'm terrified of it being that bad again. But I can't explain that to anyone in real life because they don't get it, and they think I'm just being silly. They didn't know how awful it was, the extent it got to, so I'm just frustrated I can't talk to anyone about that, and frustrated that I'm permanently scared because of that experience in the first place. :/

Then sometimes I feel guilty - like perhaps I'm being a coward, but when you go through something that horrible surely it's natural to be terrified of it repeating in the future. It was so bad :'( I really wish I could tell someone in real life, but I don't have any friends and my family don't get it/have never been ones to react well when I've tried discussing stuff like that in the past

 

[Unknown_111]

Hi, I very saddened by your post but you can get through this tough time and avoid a relapse. You have to find the strength from within in order to survive on a day by day basis. I know you are hurting but please from the bottom of my heart be strong. We really care about YOU.

 

[ThePhantomLady]

* hugs *

I'm sorry to hear you feel like that.

The fear of relapse is so damaging. Of course you should take care of yourself and not put yourself at risk but there are some things we must do.

Can you take anyone with you to those meetings? Would that help?
I'm on unemployment benefits myself... and I've had lots of different caseworkers by now. Right now I have some really nice ones... especially after I filed a complaint against one who adviced me to lose weight by starvation and smoking... I joke about that now a lot.

Is there anyone who could help you hun?

 

[lost_in_a_fairytale]

* hugs *

I'm sorry to hear you feel like that.

The fear of relapse is so damaging. Of course you should take care of yourself and not put yourself at risk but there are some things we must do.

Can you take anyone with you to those meetings? Would that help?
I'm on unemployment benefits myself... and I've had lots of different caseworkers by now. Right now I have some really nice ones... especially after I filed a complaint against one who adviced me to lose weight by starvation and smoking... I joke about that now a lot.

Is there anyone who could help you hun?

That's bad, can't believe people say those things, especially when they have a job in dealing with other people.

No, I don't have any friends, my dad doesn't live near here, and my mum is too tired from work. The rest of my family have always been detached, so there's nobody else really either. I've been trying to avoid it for a long time, but naturally my savings are going down and I'm worried if I don't manage to get a job soon I'll have to go on benefits because I won't have enough money left

 

[ThePhantomLady]

I'm sorry, is there no one else you trust?

I still think you should try to work up the courage to go... way easier said than done I know! But going without money and no savings is really no fun. Personally it put a lot of strain on me when I had no savings and the benefits barely covered my expenses. You need to go before you hit that spot hun, for your own sake.

If you have something that gives you comfort take that with you. I have a special shirt and necklace that helps somewhat. You could even call them in advance and make sure you are bringing what you need. I do that always (even if I once worked in a jobcenter).