Can't think of a good title

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by johnsmythe, Sep 9, 2007.

  1. johnsmythe

    johnsmythe Well-Known Member

    So I was sitting in my room today. alone as as usual, nothing new, just wasting my time away on my computer... trolling the internet, playing pointless games that go nowhere and just generally zoning out of existence almost. It's a fairly normal day, little cloudy, making it a little darker than usual but nothing terribly foreboding. It's cooler too , which is a good sign because winters coming and soon everything will be covered in beautiful white snow ( plus it wont be so god damn hot anymore holy fucking christ).

    Anywho, there I am wallowing in the nothingness that is my existence, mindlessly letting one moment slip away forever after the last. I hardly even think about anything important anymore... it seems I spend most of my time fantasizing about what a fun and interesting life would be like. And I'm not talking like "more friends and partying on fridays" or anything like that. No I usually fantasize about fantastical situations and things (think superpowers and stupid shit like that) or situations that I knoew in a million years would never happen. And yet, I still hope... I can't explain it but it may even be the only reason I'm still around... The vain hope that I'll turn out to be something different, something special. And I'm not talking along the lines of that "everyone's unique in there own way" horseshit. I mean actually unique, actually special.

    Anyways... the more time passes, the less likely it seems that anything good will happen. That anything signifigant will happen or change for the better. That hit me today, out of nowhere. Like a kick in the face when you're least expecting it. I almost cried, I felt closer to it then than ever before in the last decade...

    I'm thinking about it now... about the things I desire and what would happen to me if they didn't turn out like I imagine them to be? what happens if these things that are keeping me alive with hope are not worth it? I don't know if I could handle a situation like that... I'm feeling panic now the more I think of that possibility... What happens if I take that leap and I fall to my death? What then...? should I just end it now? Is living in fear and loneliness better than the possibility of life ending failure?

    I feel like I'm playing the lottery here... and we all know how that usually ends...

    I'm so completely lost...
     
  2. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    :hug: You're not alone. I feel the same way.

    The only thing that is keeping me going is music. If that is taken away from me, I'd be crushed.

    Just hang on. Take a few deep breaths to control the panic. Take care and hang in there. :hug:
     
  3. johnsmythe

    johnsmythe Well-Known Member

    thank you for your reply, I appreciate it.