cant think of a title *trig*

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by on my own, Apr 21, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. on my own

    on my own Well-Known Member

    I'm not entirely sure if this belongs here or somewhere else, but I guess i'll be moved if it doesn't anyway so... I know it's really not my habit to post long multi paragraph posts talking about what I'm thinking, but I guess I just need to get this off my chest. It's been bugging me for too long now.

    my point of view completely changed over the last couple of weeks. (Hell, I started to carry around a freaking suicide note for christ sake) Things that used to make me want to carry on now have the exact opposite effect. quotes that I used to think of as motivation to hold on now completely turned on me. for example; a girl I used to talk to told me once: "Everything will be all right in the end, and if it's not all right, than it's not the end." when she told me that, it made me want to carry on. things would be fine again. now, 3 years later, I highly doubt that. the quote completely turned on me. now it makes me want to end it. the reasoning behind it? If I end it it's the end for me, when it's the end, it will be all right... force things to be over, yeah, now it actually makes more sense to me.

    I used to have hope for the future, I used to think about what I wanted to do with it. now, It only makes me feel tired when anybody even mentions tomorrow. I used to tell myself that all my problems were only temporary, but now I've realized that once one problem is solved an even bigger one will be presenting itself. I'm just getting so tired of this whole thing. When I look ahead I dont see anything. there is nothing.

    this last week especially I've been doing kinda bad. In my mind I have myself a year to improve everything. but I can't seem to get rid of the urge to just screw it. who am I kidding? I'm not gonna make it through school. I might as well spare myself the trouble of trying. I've been thinking about ways to end it way too much lately. I've been researching... I've found the way. I made the plans. but now that I made the plans... I can hardly wait to actually do it. it's messed up, I want to stop thinking about it but I simply can't. I want to stop thinking that way, as much for my own sake as for the sakes of family and the very few friends I have. but truth is, I've been in a better mood since I came up with the plan and the more perfect it gets the better my mood is.

    I'm afraid I can't wait for a whole year or that I'm not giving myself a fair shot at improving my life cuz I just want to do it too badly...
  2. Zueri

    Zueri Well-Known Member


    I totally know what you mean...Been having a lot of the same thoughts lately. :dry:
    However glum things may seem, try to hang on. There's yet a chance things may improve for you. I know sometimes you just can't see yourself out of a bad situation, but trying to pull yourself out of it never does any harm... :)
    As for the triggering quotes, identify which ones they are and try to put them out of your mind. Having extra triggers around isn't a good idea...
    And the suicide plans - tempting. Instead of making them up and perfecting them though, try channeling that energy into something writing. You're a great poet!

    I really, really hope things get better for you. :hug:
    If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me. :D
  3. Sunset

    Sunset Member

    Life can really suck, huh. So many expectations and pressures and we see people around us apparently whizzing through life without a problem in the world. It's a pity there's no Pause button. That would help, eh.

    Are you at high school or college? Is your main pressure coming from relentless classes and mountains of stuff to study? Expectations from your parents? Getting overwhelmed is one of my big probs, so I could relate to that.

    If you HAD to live what would be the best thing for you to do? Remember that your youth gives you TIME.
  4. on my own

    on my own Well-Known Member

    I'm still in highschool, I should have graduated last year... but I didnt, instead I'm gonna be 20 when I graduate high school. I'm not even thinking collage... I don't really want to, it makes me feel even worse. Thinking about the future in general makes me feel worse.
  5. Sunset

    Sunset Member

    My thoughts are just a work in progress, but I think we sometimes take our current problems to represent what life is, when often we could make the choice to take the side road and avoid them altogether. I'm not suggesting that you should drop out of school, but it MAY be the best option. Certainly better than pulling the plug because of school of all things. Do you really want to die because of school? That'd be silly when you think about it, right? There is a life for those who don't finish school, for example your own business.

    I think that most of us would not be thinking of pulling the plug if these big issues we face weren't in front of us. When looking at one's life, one year is of little consequence. Would it be possible to take a rest from modern life by working on an organic farm or something? Forget money, the internet, study and wotnot and give yourself time to build up the strength to return.

    These are just thoughts, not suggestions. I remember when I thought I had failed my Geography exam in the final year of high school and it seemed like the end of the world. That was the one and only time I got drunk on my own - at the tender age of 17. I ended up with 55% which just reinforces for me how we can create our own problems sometimes.

    Even if I'd failed, so what? You don't plan to go to college anyway so you don't need good grades. Can you do enough to pass? One thing I never did was to see my teachers in person. They really DO like to help individual students. Teaching 30 or 40 kids isn't where their satisfaction as teachers comes from. They want to work one-on-one with students. They want to help YOU. How can I say that? I'm a high school teacher, and out-of-class 1-1 help is the best part of my job. I feel like I'm making a difference, and a difference I can see, especially for struggling students because they can make the biggest leaps. See your teachers often. They will help you understand the tough things and your study will become easier by far.

    What do you think?
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 22, 2007
  6. on my own

    on my own Well-Known Member

    dropping out of school is not an option, it's just not. It basically means that I loose all money I saved up in my life, without that money it's gonna be impossible to start up any buisness of my own. I won't have to count on my parents if I simply drop out, I won't get a thing from them.

    what I do with the rest of this school year doesnt matter anymore. It's next year that matters. I dont even want to start it, but I dont have much of a choice. It's gonna be 2 years ago all over again. I'll be fighting every night, I won't be able to have a second of rest where ever I go because when my dad's not ripping on me, I'll be ripping on myself. I'll be fighting myself all over again, I'll have to listen to my dad cracking jokes to his friends again about how much of a failure I am. yeah, that's his favorite thing in the world to do, having friends over, making me sit downstairs with them and then to start ripping on me. I told him before that he needs to stop doing that, but of course, me asking that results in a major fight. It's a downward spiral, if I'm not feeling good at home I cant concentrate at school, if I cant concentrate at school I'll do bad, when I do bad at school I'll get in more trouble at home. there is not point in even trying, not trying is not an option. I could spare myself all that stuff, and the more I think of it the more sense it makes.

    my brain needs an off button
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.