I dunno. I pulled myself together. Got a new job. More than a new job, heard my calling from God to further His work. I'm a professional, people rely on me. But here I am. Still with suicide stuck to my brain. I wont do it, as too many people rely on me, it would hurt my family too. But that puts pressure on. I think my suicide attempts were not in hind sight but were self harm to alleviate the pressure. I wanted suicide but my brain wouldn't let me so it came out as self harm, if you assess it. It kind of pisses me off coz I want it to be but I am restricted because of my love for other people. I just wanna lose control and do it. May be one day. Hopefully soon. I feel like a hippocrit coz these feelings are not right.