The reality of the way i feel is that i have no interest in being alive. Nothing on this planet interests me. I am alive, but i do not want to be alive, simply because i'm bored of existing. There is no point, its just a big joke. (Jobs, cars, houses, friends, buses, shops,). I have been going to cbt sessions, making a fool of my therapist, i am joking with myself. In the back of my mind i know that i cannot overcome social anxiety, but even if i did, i still would not be happy, because i hate this life. I am just slipping through the days, wishing today would be my last. I am such an idiot wasting my therapists time, other people who genuinely want to get better are waiting in a queue. I told her that its best that i quit seeing her, she suggests i get anti depressants, but i am not depressed because of social anxiety in particular, but just being alive. Even without the depression, i still hate life. Its not like if i were not depressed, i would want to live, i still wouldnt, depression is just lurking around as well. The only thing that is keeping me alive at the moment is my mother, its pissing me off, because she is getting in my way, the only obstacle in my path to death. Its not like i am alive because of my mother, but just the guilt if i left her unexpectedly, but if i tell her, then my relatives will try to put me off from dying anyway, so you can't win! If my mother dies, i will be free and there will be no loved ones to worry about. Nobody understands, they say it will get better, no it won't, i have social anxiety, depression, low self esteem, on unemployment cheques, have not graduated, have no interest or ambition in a career, because i don't see any advantages, there are none, i will always be miserable as long as i am alive, thats just the way it is, even if i overcame social anxiety, i still would not be happy. Its not a phase, its always been like this. I dont want relationships, im the ugliest person iv ever seen. I am a selfish person who does not want the life i have been given, sorry god but it just is not for me. I so sick of waking up every morning, tommarow it will happen all over again, when will this life end. The best part of my days is going to sleep becuase thats when you are not consious. If my relatives want to live life, they can go ahead, but why drag people like me who don't want to with them.