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I don't really know why I'm writing here, it's not a crisis really..
It feels like the depression is just getting worse. My new meds are not working yet of course, but I don't think they will work. Getting out of bed in the morning is usually so hard. If I don't have something I have to do at a spesific time, it can take me hours to even sit up in bed. When I'm out of bed I can function for a while, blocking out my thoughts and do a few things, but when the evening comes depression take over. I keep playing with the thought of ending my life because I don't want to live like this for years. There have been better periods in my life, but they don't last, I always end up feeling like this. The lonelyness doesn't really help either, but that's mainly my fault since I isolate from my friends and family as much as I can. My mask is old and I fear it will break if I spend too much time with them.
There is no point to this post really. I'm tired of living like this and I wish I could die..
I wonder if you would like doing something like working with animals, whether as a job or volunteering. could get you out of bed in the morning

1/2hr a day of gentle, low impact aerobic exercise might help. fresh air and sunshine

I think that there are things that you can do to get better, but it can be hard to do those things

I hope that you can feel better!



Well-Known Member
I hear you Rukia and I understand that feeling well..
my case worker fills the spaces by joining me in groups, etc. and it helps to have a reason of sorts to get out of bed ...I find with these groups that I don't have to be close to anyone ..just be!
I agree volunteering is a good idea if you're up to it..
what do you do at night when the thoughts take over?
feel for you hun.:console::hug:


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I can completely relate to you. I have the same sort of problems. I find that if I can drag myself outside I do feel better... But getting out is really hard. Get a cycling bike and try to go on it. When I manage to get on it I love it. I feel so positive after... Till the next day when it starts again. Stick with us, you have friends here :)


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Depression feeds on itself; the longer you stay in it, the worse it gets. The message I got from your post was, in part, that you don't always have something to do to distract yourself. Is there anything at all that you enjoy doing? It doesn't have to be anything at all interesting; for instance, there's a sandwich shop nearby where I live, and one of my favorite things to do is to go there, get a sandwich and soda, and play with my Windows 7 phone, texting people and the like. It's pretty stupid, but doing that really helps my mood.

As for evenings, I can tell you that, from my experience, it's extremely difficult if not impossible to distract yourself from depressive or suicidal thoughts at that time of the day. I learned to do a couple of things. First, I have a large journal that I've been keeping for about ten years. It's not all in one part, it's scattered about in sections by timeline, in both hand-written and typed form. Journaling helps me sort out my thoughts, and I find it to be kind of a release of emotion. The second thing I would recommend if your depression gets progressively worse as the evening drags on is to find a sleeping pattern that has it so you fall asleep just before the feelings become unbearable. If you find a pattern that you feel the worst around 10, try aiming for a bedtime of 9 or 9:30. I've done earlier than that, in fact I once had a habit of sleeping between 7-8 because the nights were just too much. When my depressive episode lifted a bit, I was able to stay up later.

Keep in touch, Rukia.


Well-Known Member
Thank you all for the advices, not all is possible for me, I'll try to explain.

I live in a tiny town, really tiny, where working with animals would only be possible if I was a vet or animal nurse. Other volunteering isn't easy either, because there are not many places here to do so. The closest city is about 1 hour away and going there all the time would cost more than I have atm. It's not that I have nothing to do, I'm a fulltime student at a college (or university college as they like to call themselves) and have a parttime job. At the moment I'm only have 2 shifts a month at work, but I always work more because they usually call me if someone is sick or whatever. This semester I have only had classes on monday and friday and selfstudy on the rest of the week. I have 3 exams in may and 2 in june, so I have lots of work to do. Problem is that I can't make myself open the books. First exam is in 3 weeks and I have only done the things I had to do, 2 assignments. I usually don't miss any classes (except with one teacher that is making me less motivated) and I have never (!) called in sick during the 9 years I have had my job. I'm on my 5th year of college and have only failed 3 exams, where 2 of them was last semester. Docs don't take me seriously because I function too well.

As for exercise, I try to take a fast walk a few times a week, but it doesn't happen unless my dad is with me, because being alone with my thoughts without other noice is too scary. I can't ride a bicycle much because my knees doesn't like it, :dry: and going to the gym makes me feel all fat and out of shape.

My tv is always on when I'm in my livingroom so my thoughts don't take over, but sometimes it doesn't help at all. I can't really go to bed at 6pm just to avoid feeling down, it will still be there when I wake up and nothing would get done here at all. :P It's not a new feeling for me. I have been suicidal for over 10 years and depressed most of that time.
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