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Can't wait

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Dewonderland, May 10, 2015.

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  1. Dewonderland

    Dewonderland Well-Known Member

    thank you

  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, please do act on your feelings as I am willing to talk to you. I have PMed you now. Let's talk, I know you are currently struggling now. Please PM me, let listen to your current woes.
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Let's keep talking, as will help you whilst you are struggling. Please lets us help you in your hour of need. YOU ARE IMPORTANT today.
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Be strong, keep PMing me.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Keep talking to us :hugs: you're worth more than you think.
  6. Dewonderland

    Dewonderland Well-Known Member

    Went to work today.

    I don't know how I did this.

    I am sorry for all the bother ... but I am also thankfull despite all the mess I put. It won't make things better but I am sorry.

    People were looking at me with their fake smile.
    I know I am the faulty weird one ... I smiled. That the only thing I can do if I don't cry.
    I wonder if they think I am that stupid that I didn't realise ... I wonder if they really think I don't hurt.

    Kept eating when I went back
    Want to throw up but unable to even if I try to give it a little help.

    I hate myself because I know, even if they are shitty human being ... I am the one who creeps people out because I am all edgy.
    I am not bad at what I am doing ... but if people look at me they see something weird that probably scares them.
    So they push me ... misregard me ... and then I feel more afraid of human people, their lies, their betrayal, their selfishness ...

    I should have say or done something.
    I think it wouldn't have change anything.
    They knew what they were doing, feeling it was right.
    So I better shut the fuck up and accept that I am not welcomed.

    I feel like a huge failure.

    ... well I am one.

    I really want to end all this. Keep thinking about it in the subway, walking down the streets ... it's all I can think of ... trying to realise it will be over soon and so it's no use to hate, to hurt, to blame ... it is nothing. I am nothing. I don't know how I will meet my family when they'll come. I have to wait or it will be a waste for them.
    So I guess this is my 3 month delay.
    I will not screw up with their hollidays, I can't do this for all the selfishness of me I won't. I wan them to have fun, and relax, and enjoy ... and then I would be free.

    I am sorry.

    Thank you.

    How will I wake up tomorrow ... how will I sleep tonight ?
    I am so selfish.
  7. Dewonderland

    Dewonderland Well-Known Member

    Where should I go from here ?

    My heart is broken. It's hard to breath. Somehow I think I am not such an horrible personn ... but at the same time I feel like I must be something really wrong for bringing such a mess on me. I don't know how to process in the middle of those lies and fake smile, I don't know how to do this 'social' interractions.
  8. ScarlettHurts1990

    ScarlettHurts1990 Active Member

    I am sorry your struggling so much, Dewonderland. Just remember- these feelings of guilt and self-blame are the depression talking. As for the people in your life who you see, many of them are probably struggling too in some form or another that you just don't know about. Not everyone wears their heart on their sleeve. I know the feeling of suffocation/ broken heart. It's a terrible spot to be in but it will pass. Just keep going and don't look back or even too far in the future. Make small goals and take this one day at a time. You are NOT a failure, once again it's the stupid gd depression telling you that you are. You have made many great contributions here at SF and you ARE a valuable and intelligent human being. We need you here, even if you can't see that right now. I have had the same thoughts- why, oh God why, do all these awful, terrible things happen to me? I'm a good person! I have come to learn that sometimes life throws us curveballs to test our strength and resiliency. I have also learned that bad things happen to good people. It's not fair but neither is the world we live in. Don't take your feelings or external events that have happened to you and place the blame on yourself. Sometimes shit happens and it's not your fault! And yes, people can be fake and very cruel, but know that that's their inner issues coming to play, not yours. Be proud of the strong person you are! You are strong, even if you're feeling weak right now.
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