I feel so ... defeated. I've lost all hope of ever getting anywhere in the public health system. Time after time, there is red tape, or misdirection, or months and months of waiting lists to get through in order to speak to someone. I'm not a very patient person, and my moods go up and down so quickly that I want to speak to someone now, not in three months time when potentially I'll be feeling better. The next step is to go private, but I don't want to pay to sit across from someone in a room and stare at each other awkwardly for an hour once a week. And the costs for initial assessments to go private are ridiculous on what I earn, especially if I have to then pay for silence and parroting. What's the use in trying? Do I need to have an attempt for anyone to even think about listening to me? I've also started packing up my room today. My mood is up and down all over the place on this. I'm proud that I started since I often don't do anything, but at the same time, packing things up is making it more real that I have to leave here, and I don't want to leave here. So I'm hot-footing it between intense sadness, extreme anger at the reasons I have to leave, and feeling so defeated that nothing ever seems to go right that I lose the will to do anything but sit and stare at a wall. And staring at the wall makes me sad because I won't get to stare at these walls again and so the cycle continues. I'm at that point where I'm starting to break down at work into tears over absolutely nothing except my inability to cope with it, my irritability at stupid people who cannot do their jobs, my anger at people who call in sick when nothing is wrong and load their work onto everyone else. I don't want to move! I want to have some help and support from people whose job that's meant to be! I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of it all, everything, people, life.