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can't win

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by black_rose_99, Jan 25, 2011.

  1. black_rose_99

    black_rose_99 Well-Known Member

    I feel so ... defeated. I've lost all hope of ever getting anywhere in the public health system. Time after time, there is red tape, or misdirection, or months and months of waiting lists to get through in order to speak to someone. I'm not a very patient person, and my moods go up and down so quickly that I want to speak to someone now, not in three months time when potentially I'll be feeling better. The next step is to go private, but I don't want to pay to sit across from someone in a room and stare at each other awkwardly for an hour once a week. And the costs for initial assessments to go private are ridiculous on what I earn, especially if I have to then pay for silence and parroting. What's the use in trying? Do I need to have an attempt for anyone to even think about listening to me?

    I've also started packing up my room today. My mood is up and down all over the place on this. I'm proud that I started since I often don't do anything, but at the same time, packing things up is making it more real that I have to leave here, and I don't want to leave here. So I'm hot-footing it between intense sadness, extreme anger at the reasons I have to leave, and feeling so defeated that nothing ever seems to go right that I lose the will to do anything but sit and stare at a wall. And staring at the wall makes me sad because I won't get to stare at these walls again and so the cycle continues.

    I'm at that point where I'm starting to break down at work into tears over absolutely nothing except my inability to cope with it, my irritability at stupid people who cannot do their jobs, my anger at people who call in sick when nothing is wrong and load their work onto everyone else.

    I don't want to move! I want to have some help and support from people whose job that's meant to be!

    I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of it all, everything, people, life.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Ihear your frustration and i have dealt with the incompetence of the mental health system. I am sorry you too seem to be banging your head against a brick wall. I think the best thing to do is to go to hospital and stay there until they do help you. Tell them outright you will kill yourself if something is not done to get you stable now. don't leave until they get you help okay call ambulance call crisis in hospital you will get the support and therapy you need and DESERVE hugs to you i hope someone listens soon
  3. fallingangie

    fallingangie Well-Known Member

    I hear you.. God life sucks eh?? why us .. thats our question.. i moved all the way to London to start over new but I m guessing shit might happen again! guess we r meant to be ill-fated :(

    But all i can say is... try to not care about anything.
    I noticed the times when I just stopped caring.. were the few moments of my life when I found peace in my mind. Just stop giving shit .
  4. black_rose_99

    black_rose_99 Well-Known Member

    Hi girls, thanks for your support and lovely words. It definitely feels like banging my head against a brick wall, I just don't know what to do anymore. What I want to do is curl up into a little ball, cry and scream and have a tantrum and have someone LISTEN and get me into some formal help, but I know that's not a possibility.

    I can't go to hospital right now, my "pleasurable thing" from my CBT whatever is to actually go ahead with a trip I have planned for the weekend. And I do want to go. But it's an offer I sorely want to take up if I still feel like this on my return.

    Angie, I know how you feel lovely :hug: I'm trying not to care, but sometimes I think that's easier said that done. I just feel everything I say falls on deaf ears... I tell people I'm not coping, they tell me of course I am because I'm getting out of bed and going to work aren't I? I tell people nothing is going right and I hear "just be strong, you are strong, it will pass over". I tell people I have suicidal ideation and they tell me to promise not to do anything and then never ask again. In all fairness, these are friends I'm telling, not professionals, so I'm not sure what I'd expect them TO say, and I know they are doing their best and are being supportive but ARGH!!!!!!!!!

    :wub: to you both xx