Well, I guess the thread title says it all. However I've managed to do it, I'm in this permanent state of self-indulgence and numbness. I've tried a number of times in the past to try to make something of myself, and have found some success, but it's never enough and always eventually find myself back to this point. There's really no need for me to be around, I serve no purpose, and if I was never there to do my job, someone else would have been there. If I could get in touch with my feelings, maybe I'd feel I'd have some chance, but it's too hard and evidently, maybe too painful. I don't know if that's true or just something I tell myself to keep myself in my numb, negative comfort zone. If I had just one iota of nerve, I would take that extra step to actually kill myself and not just pretend or "plan." By the way, I'm not young -- I'm middle-aged so I've had a lot of chances I've blown or just let go by -- the latter actually truer. I just needed to write this down, I don't if there's anything that really can be done. If I going to change, I have to do it myself -- and it's evident that I'm never going to do that. Being dead just seems to make the most sense. Well, if you actually took the time to read this crap, I applaud you, but I don't expect any answers. There aren't any. Just hoping I can find that nerve to kill myself and be out of everyone's hair.