can't/won't feel love,emotion,anything...

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by stuck_in_limbo, Jul 5, 2012.

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  1. stuck_in_limbo

    stuck_in_limbo Active Member

    Well, I guess the thread title says it all. However I've managed to do it, I'm in this permanent state of self-indulgence and numbness. I've tried a number of times in the past to try to make something of myself, and have found some success, but it's never enough and always eventually find myself back to this point. There's really no need for me to be around, I serve no purpose, and if I was never there to do my job, someone else would have been there. If I could get in touch with my feelings, maybe I'd feel I'd have some chance, but it's too hard and evidently, maybe too painful. I don't know if that's true or just something I tell myself to keep myself in my numb, negative comfort zone. If I had just one iota of nerve, I would take that extra step to actually kill myself and not just pretend or "plan." By the way, I'm not young -- I'm middle-aged so I've had a lot of chances I've blown or just let go by -- the latter actually truer. I just needed to write this down, I don't if there's anything that really can be done. If I going to change, I have to do it myself -- and it's evident that I'm never going to do that. Being dead just seems to make the most sense. Well, if you actually took the time to read this crap, I applaud you, but I don't expect any answers. There aren't any. Just hoping I can find that nerve to kill myself and be out of everyone's hair.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    hi state of numbness sometimes i prefer that one then feeling way to much hun I don't think you would be better of gone hun. I think if you treat the depression numbness being a stage of it you will be able to have emotion again. Reach out ok to your doctor talk see what can be done because hun you are still young really you have so much more to do to experiance Start getting help now hun so you don't have to continue to suffer hugs
  3. stuck_in_limbo

    stuck_in_limbo Active Member

    What part of Canada, eclipse? Anyway I do have a therapist who's pretty good and trained in EMDR and we might try that soon. Nonetheless, based on my track record, I don't think I'm very willing to try to get out of the comfort zone and never will be. Being off from work today, I had just slept for 14 hours. Why do I have to wake up...?
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I live in province of ONtario I hope you do try emdr hun let me know how it works i have a therapist who deals in trauma w ho helps me Getting out of ones comfort zone is very hard and scarey I like you have not had the courage to do that i wish i did I hate night time because i can't sleep yet i want to sleep so bad Let me know hun how things go for you ok hugs
  5. stuck_in_limbo

    stuck_in_limbo Active Member

    I don't know. I think I'm coming to the end of the line, now. I'm 42 and living like I'm 19. I won't take responsibility for anything. I'm not able to make anything of myself and I don't think I ever will. I just need to know the right amount of sleeping pills and medication to do the job --- I don't want to wake up in a hospital and have things worse than ever -- and probably spend time in a mental ward where I would have to exist with really crazy people. I'm not crazy. I have -- or at least used to have a sharp mind. I've just never used it for any good or to get ahead in the world. I've never even started. I wish to be gone -- I know the few realtives I have would be sad but I'd still be willing to be selfish. They wouldn't understand the perpetual and routine numbness I continue to hide in -- and hide my emotions -- if there's anything left after dulling them to nothing. I think it's now sooner than later that I'll have the gumption to take the pills. I often wish something out of the blue would happen that would upset me enough to go right ahead and do it. I just don't deserve to live. I've wasted the life that God has given me and He is disappointed. I don't know what else to write. I'm not actually sure I want help. Bye for now.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 28, 2012
  6. champie

    champie Well-Known Member

    Most of what you said reminds me of me. 41 and l've lived life like a child and got nowhere.

    I had one session of EMDR and then bailed out because I felt stupid thinking it might work. At this point I feel like a fool running around for anything that might help, but expecting to be taken advantage of like a fool.

    For weeks I've been thinking about Naturopathic approaches because I don't want to participate in anything "mainstream" any longer. I really don't want to waste more of life in the same way I have wasted it so far but now that I noticed a lentigo on my cheek for the last 8 months I'm really just about done with this bullshit life.

    Let us know how the EMDR goes for you.
  7. Silverpuddle

    Silverpuddle Some kind of geek SF Author SF Supporter

    I understand what you mean about living life like a child. I am a 40-year-old girl. I live in my father's house and depend on him for most things. I cannot even say how much this makes me hate myself.
  8. champie

    champie Well-Known Member

    I'm hoping that you can imagine a future for yourself as a woman. I am having a hard time seeing beyond my immediate circumstances because I feel like I am finally realizing that I have failed to take care of myself throughout my adult life. If I have done such a poor job so far, with every advantage and opportunity anyone could hope for, what could make me think that anything could be different in the future?

    It is difficult for me to encourage others when I have such a bleak outlook. The only reason I am trying now is that it is possible my hopeless thinking is wrong. After all, if I have been such a screw up, what are the chances I am right about thinking the future is hopeless?
  9. stuck_in_limbo

    stuck_in_limbo Active Member

    I thank everybody for their heart-felt responses, but it's really time to die. I don't know how to do it without potentially getting myself and others in trouble if I don't wind up going all the way. But I think the only one that I can be with now is God... I had a chance on a cruise ship atrium, but that blew up in my face thanks to security cameras... not sure what I was doing there in the first place -- like I was actually going to meet someone... just God, if I did it right...
  10. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't recommend the pills, stuck in limbo. I've tried it twice, even tried to do it better with more stuff, with no success. That particular way is almost doomed to fail. You will just injure your internal organs as I did and end up even worse off than before. I can relate to your thread very much though, being 49 and nowhere in life, although I have pulled it together and lost it a number of times. I've always tried so hard, perhaps too hard, only to be felled yet again by depression or some physical illness, so I don't tend to think of myself as irresponsible or lazy, just ill. But the feeling of worthlessness is there all the same.
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