Can't

[nonstopnoise]

I can't do it, I hate this

They saved my life, people saved my life against my wishes, and I hate them for it

I feel so much more desperate than before, I will start aiming for death again on Monday

I feel so lost and alone, and I have no idea what to do anymore

Why couldn't they let me die

What's the point in flogging a dead horse

 

[Fadingsincebirth]

What happened?

 

[nonstopnoise]

I posted this in the crisis forum yesterday

'I was days, hours, minutes from death last week. I had a blood count of 4.1, and people die when it gets under 5.

I was succeeding, I was dying, I was winning.

Then they found out, sectioned me, and forced me to have 4 blood transfusions.

I didn't want them. It's a waste of blood. I didn't want to live, I don't want to live. The blood could have gone to someone worthwhile, someone who wanted them, someone who deserved them.

I was so close, and now I have to start the process again. Blood letting everyday. In two weeks I can be back where I was if I try really hard. Maybe in three I'll be dead.

They saved me, and I can't handle it.

It's like having my dream snatched right out from under my feet.

Now I feel worse, now I feel so much worse.

And I have to start again.

I don't know why I am making this post. Right now, I guess, I just feel so bloody desperate for what could have been.

I can't take this.

I don't feel it's my right anymore to cut, and lose blood, when I have had blood, but then the blood was forced on me, I didn't want it. The people who sectioned me have wasted that blood, not me. All the things I want to do to myself have got so much worse.

I just need to die, and they stopped me. And I hate them.

I don't know what to do'

Hope that explains it a bit more, sorry, I'm just feeling vile and have ever since they saved me

 

[Fadingsincebirth]

I'm sorry to hear all of that.

Is there something specific that has you down? Something about yourself? Something new, unresolved, etc, etc...

 

[nonstopnoise]

To be honest, just that I am alive.

I am ready to die and have been ground down by all this shit for so long I am more than happy to go, but others have other ideas on that. Not that they know what it's like to be in my head day in, day out, and deal with that, but hey.

I was so close.

I am so fed up of doing this, I can't do it anymore, I need out. So so much

 

[gentlelady]

I am glad you are still here to talk with us. I don't know what brought you to the point that you were at, but i hope it changes for you. Keep talking to us. Take care. :hug:

 

[max911]

Sucks don't it? I don't think you're mad at them for "wasting" blood, I think your mad at yourself for showing yourself so weak and vulnerable. Now everyone around you knows you tried to kill yourself, but why let that patrol you to death? There are people in this world who are happy and then become unhappy through circumstance, and there are some who just are unhappy, you sound like someone who is just unhAppy. I have frequently skimmed death and seen things most mortals could hardly stand, it has effected me, very much it has.

But I do know this, unlike most other people, I am so much fucking stronger then them. Things that have happened to me and things I've seen would of killed most, but I endured.

Endure it, I can't assure you happiness, but I can assure you that you can make everyone around you happy. You know how bad you feel, how much injustice life has been to you, so try to keep others from being just as persecuted as yourself, I promise you self satisfaction from doing just that.

 

[nonstopnoise]

Thanks for the replies guys, they are really appreciated.

Max, in a way you are right, but I am angry at myself for giving them any indication that I was that ill. (it happened because I ended up in A&E with my heart fucking up because of the low level of blood I had. I only went to A&E because my mum's sister dropped dead, and was found in her house, after heart problems, and I would never want anyone to find me in a similar state, I would have written a note and prepared people, as much as poss, for what they were about to see).

I kinda have a problem wiht your ast paragraph Max. I know, deep down, that me being dead will make everyone else happy. they will be free from me. I was never wanted anyway, so me being dead just rebalances the scales. I will also not be missed. I have always known that ever since being little, and it still applies now. I am a waste of space, and people know that. And it is better, for everyone, if I am dead.

I just feel so bloody fucking wretched. I tell you, if others could believe how I really feel, the smile, and the bubbly person they see would confuse the hell outta them.

I just want it to go away

I'm sorry

 

[itachi]

If you dieing would make people happy then why did they take you to Hospital.
It was because they were worried about you and they wanted to make sure that you were ok.

Ive Been through the same sort of thing and the only reason that you think that noone luvs you or wants you is because your trying to convince yourself that they don't. You feel so down that you want them to hate you even if they don't.

I know that being so depressed all the time really sux but I completely agree with Max that you should just endure it.
I promise you that honestly life does get better. Just stick with it.

P.S and your not alone everyone here wants to help you. You have all of us. We’re here if you need us.
Take Care
Just take it 1 day at a Time.
PM Me if you need to.
Lots of Luv
Josh:smile:

 

[nonstopnoise]

Thanks Josh.

No one has ever taken me to hospital, I always take myself, apart from when I was sectioned, when I was taken by a whole host of evil interferring people who have never met me, or read about me, or know anything about me.

I also don't have depression, which is how I know nothing is actually ever going to change. I have BPD and thats not fixable or cureable, its just smething you have to learn to live with, and I have lived feeling this wretched and this awful for over 15 years and I can't do it for anymore. Another 60, or however many years feeling this bad, is not something I can do.

Also, people actually don't care. To my parents I am devil child, and my brother is golden boy, they didn't bother coming to my discharing meeting, or anything, they just let me get on with it. They knew I was very close to death, and they did nothing, thank god, so they must want me dead too.

Despite pulling apart your reply, I really did appreciate it. Esepcailly the bity about not being alone. I feel so totally alone and isloated right now, that I needed to hear (read) that, so thank you.

I do appreciate the time you took to reply. Sorry for being an annoying bugger.

 

[itachi]

Well Looks Like I Completely Missed the Point Sorry

 

[nonstopnoise]

no, please don't be sorry, not in the slightest. You wrote a helpful reply and I am a stubborn bugger.

Plus, what you said at the end, really did help.

And I do really appreciate the fact that you took the time to reply, too.

I'm sorry, really I am

 

[itachi]

Well its True You Really aren't alone.

and if they really don't care you should stick it out become really sucessful and throw it right back in their Faces. (turn all your despair into Anger) It Probably isn't very healthy but Its what I would Do.

Luv Josh

 

[Lou]

Please dont try and kill yourself Were all here to talk to you.

Sometimes talking/typing to strangers really helps.

{{{hugs}}} to you x

 

[nonstopnoise]

you know what, I gave that advice to someone before. Maybe one day I will find the motivation to do it. But you are right, I nknwo you are.

I think though, that all my life I have tried to please people, and some of this is probably related to that too.

And thanks, I do appreciate the replies. It does help to know that someone is reading what I write and that I am not alone.

Thank you

 

[itachi]

Well if you ever need someone to talk to you know you can
PM Me Right?

or my msn is [email protected]

 

[nonstopnoise]

Thanks

To be honest, I have just given up now

I will start going for death again tomorrow, and this time I will not get stopped.

If I work hard, in a month I could be dead

But thank you so much for the support, it works the other way too, if you ever need an ear, or eye, feel free to PM me

Take care

 

[itachi]

No!!
Giving up is not a good choice.
Look I know how tempting it is to end it all I have been there myself.
But commiting suicide is just a cowards way out.
really just try and stick it out. It WILL Get better you just need too change the situation (as my counciller said).
you need to find some kind hearted caring friends to make you feel more wanted and it really isn't hard. (Try Church it totally worked for me)
Youth Support Groups work to.

Lots of Luv Josh

 

[itachi]

and when you are really feeling down Crank up Sum Happy Music real loud and Sing Like noone can hear you!

Try:
Come on Eileen - Save Ferris
anything by The ELO
Summertime Blues - Rush
Death Goes to Disco - Goodnight Nurse
or something by Sugarcult

They all work for me
(Singing Makes your Brain release Endorfins and Endorfins make you feel better)

 

[nonstopnoise]

Wow, you have CRACKING taste in music, I LOVE ELO!

But there is a small problem with loud music, it makes me psychotic, lol.

and I know it's the cowards way out. And I am happy knowing I am a coward. I have fought this for 15 years, and given it everything. The time is right to stop.

Church certainly does work for some people, but not for me, I am not religious in the slightest, but I am really, really glad that it helped you. That's grand And youth groups wouldn't work either, lol, I'm 23. A tad old.

To be honest, knowing that I am going for death again, has calmed me a lot.

I need to be palying russian roulette with my life, to keep myself mentally stable, and that is what I need to do. Probably I will get to the crunch time and might then save myself, but I might not. I need to know it's my choice to be alive, and right now it is the choice of someone else, not me. I can't deal with that.

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me. It really is appreciated