Capabilty. (Huge Rant)

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by TearsDropBloodTrickles, Sep 2, 2006.

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  1. TearsDropBloodTrickles

    TearsDropBloodTrickles Well-Known Member

    Life has treated me pretty shit. It doesn't really matter what happened to me, what matters is the state its left me in, so here goes...

    I'm a young intelligent lad, with an above average IQ of 127. However i failed my GCSEs, i failed my A levels, and im now rotting away in some retail job. I have few friends, spend the majority of my time online, seeking the attention of people, to make myself feel better. Your waiting for the point, you'll see.

    I dont currently care about anything, my future, my family, my friends. I just dont care, like right now, im starving, i have pains in my stomach, and i dont care and eventually they'll just fade away like they always do. I pick and drops friends like brand new sweaters, i stole money from charity, i use people. All the stuff that has happened to me, has left me in a very dangerous state. I hope i havent confused you.

    I've named this 'thread' Capabilty, which is being capable of doing something. Now most humans have morals, well mine are void. And well heres my little secret, I think i'd be quite capable of killing someone, driving a knife into their chest, watching the colour drain from their eyes. Now i tell people this, and they look at me, and the sigh softly but i dont they understand how serious i really am. Now im openly admitting i have the capabilty of doing it, but i wonder how far am i from desiring it. It would be fair to say that i am very close to being a clinical psychopath ( Look up the correct meaning before commenting ), what happens when i get tired of everyone, and everything hurting me, and i decide i wanna hurt someone else, make them feel what ive been burdened with.

    I wonder is this how murderers are created, does pain equal pain, is this my fate. Well i say man makes his own fate, if i murder someone its because ive chosen to be a muderer. Even tho is something i will proberly never do, just admitting that i quite capable of doing it, well thats worrying isnt it ? Or is it just me, blowing something small out of proportion, afterall we are capable, arent we ? I guess the only difference is, morals hold you back, and im not sure whats holding me back, and if i dont know what it is, how can i say how long it will hold me back for ?

    Am i sick ? Do i crave attention ? Is my craving for attention sickness ? Is life just one fucking pointless piece of shit, and humans are too intelligent for the process they were intended for, so our minds create these stupid problems, to fill the void of living. I'm only sick, if society decides im sick. If i offended, or if i dont fit into one of societys defined social groups. Life is shit, because humans made it so god damn fucking complicated. Im suffering because of all the shitty generations of man that came before me. Im suffering because man thinks hes a thousand times greated than he is. I hate humanity. I hate humanity. I hate our beliefs, i hate the execution of our beliefs.

    You know there are some specials of insects that live for only just one day, the awake in the world, fly around for a little while, fuck one of their own, and then they lay down and die. They don't worry about why apples fall to the floor, why the wind blows, why the sky is blue, they live, they fufil their reason for living and then they die. And thats what i hate about humanity most of all. All of them do the same fucking thing!

    Live for the sake of living.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I have yet to find someone who does not question his/her capabilites, and one who becomes angered by the plight they feel they were given...I am so sorry it has been that tough for you...and I surely understand the discrepancy between IQ points and test scores...I hope you can find some comfort in connecting with others here and know there are ppl here to support you...big hugs, Jackie
     
  3. gitana

    gitana SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad that you found this forum and are able to express your feelings and ranting on how you feel. I really mean that.. That is a first HUGE step... for sure..

    You are not the only one here, of course, that life has treated like shit.. It does matter, whether you say so or not the deep horrendous hurt and the overbearing pain that goes to the deepest core of your being and soul that has hurt you so much and this has left you in the state of being that you are in now... it truly does.. whether you agree or not...

    Okay, so you are working in a retail job right now.. and your IQ is high.. but you failed the GCSEs and A levels.. do you know why? it is because of the state of mind you are in and the pain you are dealing with whether conscious or subconscious at all.. or aware of why.. Are you seeing a T (therapist) or pdoc (psychiatrist)..? I know that may be beneath you to seek help? Maybe not.. it takes time to find a really good T and pdoc to work with... Working through whatever you are dealing with that has put you in this position and not caring about anything.. you need to deal with what has brought you to this point.. Are you really serious about seeking help or are you here just to see if we really care or not..?? You will find many ppl here who sincerely care and I wouldn't be here to say so if it wasn't true.. I am not confused.. just wondering why.. obviously you must have a conscious somewhere to talk to us about what you are feeling..

    I think anybody is Capable of doing anything at any point in time.. there is also free will and a choice involved to some extent.. Okay, so you say that your morals are void..but you can learn that.. I know..

    You are extremely beyond anger for what you have been through.. It must have been horrible for you and you can't stand anybody who may be compassionate enough to you and you don't understand what that is like...

    I hope you will choose to get help instead of allowing yourself not to feel compassion or desire and become a psychopath.. if you decide to go this way, it isn't fair to hurt others, because of what you have been burdened with. It is not their fault.. So, why put it on them????

    It is scary to think one is capable of harming someone else and murder somebody.. but then, is it worth it?? Have you seen the movie "Dead Man Walking?"" with Sean Penn and Susan Sarandon? There are others that are true stories and unfortunately nobody believed in them that there was a piece of them somewhere beyond that there was hope for the person.. to have a conscious...

    I have a nephew, who just got out of prison.. Ppl told me to give up on him when he was young.. there was NO hope for him.. He would be a sociopath.. a person without a conscious.. yes, he went through alot.. and he lived with me for a year when he was 14.. started reaching that part of him.. to finally start learning to tell me the truth and then he ended up back with his mom..I almost reached him.. I didn't have the backing to keep him with me.. but I NEVER gave up on him.. somewhere, I knew that beyond there was a little piece that could be reached somewhere inside of him.. one just had to find that piece.. like in the movie, Dead Man Walking.. I don't give up on anybody.. yes, there are people who are psychopaths and sociopaths, narcisstic ppl, etc...

    My nephew, is 26 and finally spent 4 years in prison... He was just released a month ago to a halfway house.. He had a long long rap sheet from A to Z.. and yes, I worried sometimes, when he was younger, and was here, or involved in his life, would he be capable of murder. He didn't have a conscious at all..

    For whatever reason, something happened where he went as before he got out of prison, he wrote a letter of apology, to the family, not realizing what his actions and what he had gone through hurt the family.. the first sign or rather the second sign, since he lived with me, and I reached that part of him at one time, deep inside.. but he had to go through what he did to get to where he is at now.. he is very lucky and fortunate.. luckily he didn't kill anybody.. came pretty damn close.. and more.. however, as one know, when one is in prison, talk can be cheap, so wasn't sure how he really would be when he got out.. hopefully, he continues doing well, and he got a job.. and another for a better job.. 30 days to get a job.. and he has changed.. but time will tell.. he has changed alot and learning to take responsibility for his actions.. I am shocked.. it is true.. something reached him and he didn't have a great life either..

    Yes, I believe there is hope for anybody.. no matter what if one can reach that person who may not have a conscious at all.. it happens.. and very sad too..

    Why do you crave attention? Well, yes society can decide that if you are sick.. that is how it is.. but what do you want? Do you really want help to free yourself from this pain? What society group are you referring too? I mean, if you desire to allow yourself to be a psychopath, etc.. what do you expect, if you hurt or murder someone? I hope you choose to make things better and work on what hurts you deeply and seek help.. good help.. i know it is hard to find but don't give up.. i believe in you.. I know.. been there with several ppl.. feel free to pm me if you want to.. it is really up to you.. I know ppl who have been through extreme hell and it doesn't mean that you have to kill anybody or any living thing.. not fair to take it out on them.. There is still hope for you.. i know..

    What do you hate if you have no morals? What do you hate about our belief's or humanity? What has hurt you so deeply and woundded you so much that you feel this way? Ppl are the way they are, even friends.. long term or short term.. What is so complicated? Can you elaborate more or are you just blowing off steam? Do you really want somebody to answer you and care? Or are you just playing us? Generaltional curse it is called... yes.

    Oh, yes, I know about those insects too.. so what is your point? You are NOT beyond hope or morals.. you may not have learned them in your lifetime and had a horrible abusive life.. what do you want? Do you want ppl that care and are there for you? Or do you choose to go the direction that you want to go and become a psychopath, etc? Nobody is beyond hope..


    Gitana..
     
  4. ShadyMalingerer

    ShadyMalingerer Active Member

    I like the cut o' yer jib, young bonny my lad. I too had a crappy retail job after failing bollocks, despite having a high IQ (which means fuckall). I then quit and become what can be best desribed as an 'unemployed bum' with no friends, future or purpose. I then found another job and things are so much better. Your job is very important. It governs the major actvity of your life. Retail is shitty and gives you too much time to think about stuff (which got me down too, thinking similar thoughts to yourself). Find another job, preferably something you enjoy doing.
     
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