That what she calls it. My friend, Sandy, has been suicidal.. since I've known her. Seven years.. and before that as well. She's always been into self harm, cutting, taking too many pills. Every time she has a crisis I come running, or try as hard as I can to do what she needs to help her. I'm so scared of her dying. I don't want her to leave. I couldn't deal with it. I want her to be happy and healthy and independent. I want her to have the life she's always wanted. Right now she's in a psych ward. She didn't try to kill herself, this time, but she had a week previous. She checked herself in because she wasn't feeling good anymore. I'm.. so anxious, so nervous. I feel like all of those options that the doctors used to go on about, all those numbers, all these treatments just won't work. She's been put on medication, she's had it changed, she's lived in hospitals seen psychiatrist and psychologist and nothing seems to stop her. Meanwhile, I barely feel like I have a life anymore. My school and my job are pretty all consuming in my life right now, and with her I have to compromise both to be there for her. So I end up dropping both to run to her rescue. I don't know what I'd do if she died. I just don't want to live my life like this. I want to graduate, I want to make money and move out and get a good job and have a social life.. and a boy/girlfriend. I want these things so badly. Yet while I'm taking care of her, I don't have time for anything but her. I feel like this situation has warped me somehow. I take so much pleasure from being her primary care giver and live saver. I think it's a coping mechanism. It's gotten to the point, though that when someone else comes into her life and tries to take care of her as well I feel threatened and useless. This is a ridiculous feeling. I really just wish someone would take over everything for me. I wish she would choose someone else to be her saviour. But I know if that happened I would be insane with jealous. I feel so sick. I'm anxious constantly when she's out of hospital. They're releasing her tomorrow. She keeps talking about the bridge and pills. It's too much. It's all too much. It's the end of the school year. I have projects to finish and people are coming home from university who I want to see... someone I want to hook up with. I want to have a life. But I can't just leave her to die. What do I do..