I have no idea what I am doing anymore. No one pressures me for anything, no one cares what I'm doing. I am afraid of people sometimes, I can't trust anyone, I just don't fit in with this world. I would like to believe in myself, but I am afraid of living in a place that isn't permanent. And people aren't themselves anymore. If it was permanent then I wouldn't be so afraid, if there was a purpose then I would be happier. But I keep feeling like this is all a delusion, like maybe our purpose was to believe that it was real when in the end all it was was a dream. People everywhere keep saying what I'm thinking out loud...I keep hearing things and suddenly I'm starting to feel like...my reality doesn't even seem to exist. Is this synchronicity? Is this something else...is it just my mind playing tricks on me? I don't feel suicidal. I just don't feel like bothering with it, with trying, with people and success and all that bs. Like why the heck do I have to learn to understand "the way the world works" what if I want something else entirely? What if I don't want to work my life away every single day at a job I only half like? And if no one even bothers to tell me there's a point to my success then why would I start anyways. It's like they expect me to have this sudden motivation for life when it's all a waste of time, no emotion, no one ever shows me one ounce of emotion here and I have none left. I have no feelings most of the time. This was a waste of time in the first place, I was born just to be confused with people. At first I think there's some sense of honesty or respect here, but there isn't. It's just the same repetition. The same hollow empty repetition of no feelings, no love, no truth, nothing. here.. I have to fight so unbelievably hard to convince myself there is a reason for me to be happy, that I am here for a reason. I fight and I fight and I fight to keep this dream alive. Just to believe in myself a little more, but then I can't seem to figure out- why? Why did I fight to believe this delusion when that's what it will become eventually is another confusing memory. Just another dream. Just another false hope...like everyone is. People hate love these days it seems. And I am still fighting to believe there is a such thing as love. When you know, no one wants to believe in themselves. I try to push people into believing in themselves, I have to seek out everyone. I am looking for people, I am looking for recognition in the faces of people I thought were like me, were also looking for recognition. Also wanted to know something real. But no one seems to think there is a such thing as honesty anymore. I have realized that it would be nothing more than false sincerity, if my hopes became a reality- because it's all lies. If there was a truth to this world then It would be right here. I wish people cared as much as I do. I have changed, I am no longer suicidal. I worked on finding myself. I worked on seeing the light in things. It got better. You know, when you love something so much that you don't want to see it ruined? That's how I feel about my world, my life, my family, my friends. Yet can I say the same for them? Does my world care as much for me as I do for it? If there was a God, where did he go to? I can't rely on God. God is just a word. God is just an image it seems right now. If God had feelings, why wouldn't God be here in reality trying to make a difference. I think that we as humans have the ability to create God. But God needs to be an individual before "he" can decide for himself if he wants to change the world. I think that there needs to be a reason for people to care to succeed. Maybe there was a God... What people need to have is faith. If there was really just empty space at the end, what's there to say that there couldn't be a change in that? what's to say that there aren't infinite possibilities even after the world ceases to exist in material space, that we can't somehow bypass this stupid ideal that we have to believe in nothing but death, but in endings... If there was proof, if there was a God that tried to prove reality. I'm not trying to seem depressing, but I am feeling kind of insane right now. I have no instincts. I can't tell whether someone is a friend or someone else. I have no motivation. I have no actual point to understanding this reality when it seems like it was just designed to confuse us. What I want to do is believe in myself. Because if I did, maybe things would actually have a chance to change. Maybe people would start liking me if I became reflections of the psuedo-reality we've created by convincing ourselves there is nothing else. Why should I feel afraid to voice my own hopes for the future...but that is exactly how I feel, I feel afraid to tell people that there's a choice: that we can change our reality. That there is a God, that suicide may not be the end of everything but it is your choice that you can make and to live has a purpose for you. I feel like I must have some reason to live. I wish i had a reason to live.