Carrying on is the "right" thing, but no motivation for it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Hazel Morse, May 29, 2016.

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  1. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    I just have no motivation to go on.

    The job, the only thing I had going, is nearly over (one week to go). Will be homeless in one month. No friends, no pets, only some abusive family members to go back home to. Money problems definitely coming up. Potentially devastating money problems [as in flat out broke] may be coming up.

    My self-confidence has been shattered by these people. I'm too terrified to even send out a resume. I don't want to be a burden to anyone, or be dependent on my mother and stepfather.

    I know living is the "right" thing to do, but I can't find internal or external rationales for doing so. Can't it just be that I'm a worthless garbage person like everyone says?

    This is the second time I've failed at life.
  2. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Hey, you've only failed twice at life? Well I've got you dominated in the stats of that category. If it is that bad, then you've got nothing to loose. So why not throw caution to the wind and fight your way through. Pull out all the stops and find an opening. It's there. Somewhere. You've just got to look in the right place. I know you can do it.
    shania and Jenumbra like this.
  3. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I can manage bursts of some activity, but the situation just drags me into paralysis - not laziness, just unable to complete mental or physical tasks because I freeze up and become totally ineffective. When I mean fail, I mean completely, utterly, blow-up-your life fail, and what's more important, fail in the eyes of my family. My mother, stepfather, sister and brother are all extremely successful and made lots of money at an early age, got married, have friends, etc. All except my brother pretty much despise me.

    It's the lack of friends/ family that drags me down and makes me wonder why I'm still on the planet.
  4. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I see... Well, try not to be so critical of yourself, because regardless of how true it is (& I'm guessing there's at least a hint of exaggerating going on), thinking that way won't help. If I were you--& this is simply me-not suggesting that this is what you should do (possibly consider, perhaps)--I would likely turn my back on my family - besides my brother - & go find a way to start something new. That is: a family; friends; job, etc. (a life really). This could probably best be done in a new environment. But I understand the current predicament, given the nature of the situation. Just saying you've got to explore other possibilities before ruling them out and succumbing to pressure, and the forces of oppression.
  5. Veda Vyas

    Veda Vyas Member

    You have already recovered from first time you failed, right? That experience can help you around this time to get out of it faster. Think about what helped get back on your feet that time. In fact you didnt fail first time because you got your life back, it was only a set back. Just like this is another set back. we never fail as long as we dont give up.

    I appreciate the fact that you feel that pride about yourself not wanting to be a burden or dependent. There is energy and motivation in that thought. Hope you can use it to find new way out of this difficulty.

    And try not to let people get to you with their trash talk about your set back. Every person in this world has a purpose and value. Remember what made you proud of yourself and little things you might have accomplished. They all mean something. You mean something to your brother. You have people and life there to help you find motivation in time.
  6. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Sorry to get back to you so late...thank you for your words of support.

    I'm not sure I "recovered" from the first time I failed. This job (at the worst school in the worst country that isn't in a war zone) felt like rock bottom, but it kept me going for nearly seven years. Now I'm back where I was before.

    The difficulty is that the people who are rubbishing me and making me feel like crap are the people who I need as references if I was to ever get another job - in teaching they don't give a crap about the quality of your work, just who you can get to recommend you.
  7. Veda Vyas

    Veda Vyas Member

    I know Australia has become too much redtape and regulation in job field, its almost choking people out of income there. In India we can simply start teaching kids who are ready to pay for tuition even personally. No one objects or asks for your qualifications as long as you are good at what you do. Yes to get a job, your experience would matter more than recommendations in private schools.
  8. Veda Vyas

    Veda Vyas Member

    Given your condition and kind of family, they may trash you as failure and even a hate. But still they do that because they would like you to succeed so you dont remain burden on them. There is a chance that, they might be willing to give you recommendation even if it is for selfish reasons. I dont know your family, you know better.
  9. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    Oh, it's not my family that has to recommend me - though you are right about the red tape. My family would lie their teeth out if they thought they could get me out of their hair. It's my current supervisor that needs to recommend me - and she hates me like poison. On the 9th day of our acquaintance she decided that I was in a plot against her and has viewed all my actions in this paranoid light ever since, so we have these bizarre accusatory interactions like this:

    Her: Hazel, where did the last teacher put the year 9 textbooks?

    Me: I'm awfully sorry, but I don't know.

    Her: You DO know! You won't tell me! You are keeping this from me because you hate me!

    Me: (getting agitated, nearly crying) I really don't know! Truly! I don't know where they are! She never told me! I never saw them!

    Her: That's exactly what a guilty conscience would say! This is what you always do - lie and make excuses. I'm going to make a formal complaint about this to the Principal!

    So far we've had this same conversation about seven or eight times over textbooks, things she wanted me to say in a meeting but I didn't, which material to cover and in which order, computers, sick notes, etc
  10. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    BTW, India is great. The best thing about China was that it was cheaper to go there. If India didn't already have enough English teachers and I wasn't such a coward I would apply to teach there.
  11. Veda Vyas

    Veda Vyas Member

    Is there any one else above your supervisor who can support and recommend you?
  12. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    The principal may, and I will work to get more referees today, but I do not hold out hope.
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