A life from the start, which is hidden behind ramparts and walls, defending, protecting oneself from the constant attacks of those around you. Its hard to learn from an early age, not to trust anyone. People are cruel, they are evil, and pretty much every single one of them out there will try to hurt you. That's why i built my walls high and strong, and not just one but many many walls. You never know how an attack is going to come, from where or when. Some enjoy hurting, enjoy pain, assault your walls constantly. Some take a swipe, and move on by, like the attack is an afterthought, a nothing, like the effect it has on you. Every wall though has a weak spot, by chance or design. Either an imperfection in the wall, letting people chip away from it, or a gate, a path, to those you might one day trust to enter. Some learn to strengthen those walls, build them back up. I just build more. Every time i'm hurt i build more and more walls, more ways of hiding, deflecting, ignoring, blocking things out. Blocking people out. I guess i'm foolish in that i keep trusting people, at the first hint of them actually giving a damn about me. I'm embarassed as to how much someone simply spending the time to talk to me, actually means, and how much of a difference it makes on how i feel. So i keep building more and more walls, so they are still nowhere near me when they finally decide to attack. The truth is, it is a defense mechanism, but it keeps me alive. Curled up behind these walls, is a defenceless little boy, curled up in the dark, crying his eyes out. His biggest hope, and biggest fear, is that someone will get through. So he keeps building walls, to protect from that fear, because that is all he has grown up with. It gets to the point where the walls are so far away, he doesn't even remember why they are there, just that they need to be there. The most difficult bit, is that a whole army couldn't break through all those walls. But one person, trusted, could just walk right through. That means any pain that happens to me is my fault. I choose it to come in, i choose to be hurt by trusting, by hoping. I guess thats why i dream the way i do, of being bound, vunerable, no escape... i don't know who the figure is, it changes... i always hope they either kill me straight out, or hold me tight... just not torture, not lingering in this fear, this pain. I guess that's how i feel now, like life is torturing me, leaving me in this pain. But when i've let people close, i've been hurt, too many times. I can't be vunerable again ... but i can't not be either, if i'm to keep going. I hate this, i hate people. I just can't handle living like this.