Castle of fear

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Deleted SKU, Feb 2, 2011.

  1. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    A life from the start, which is hidden behind ramparts and walls, defending, protecting oneself from the constant attacks of those around you. Its hard to learn from an early age, not to trust anyone. People are cruel, they are evil, and pretty much every single one of them out there will try to hurt you. That's why i built my walls high and strong, and not just one but many many walls. You never know how an attack is going to come, from where or when. Some enjoy hurting, enjoy pain, assault your walls constantly. Some take a swipe, and move on by, like the attack is an afterthought, a nothing, like the effect it has on you.

    Every wall though has a weak spot, by chance or design. Either an imperfection in the wall, letting people chip away from it, or a gate, a path, to those you might one day trust to enter. Some learn to strengthen those walls, build them back up. I just build more. Every time i'm hurt i build more and more walls, more ways of hiding, deflecting, ignoring, blocking things out. Blocking people out.

    I guess i'm foolish in that i keep trusting people, at the first hint of them actually giving a damn about me. I'm embarassed as to how much someone simply spending the time to talk to me, actually means, and how much of a difference it makes on how i feel. So i keep building more and more walls, so they are still nowhere near me when they finally decide to attack.

    The truth is, it is a defense mechanism, but it keeps me alive. Curled up behind these walls, is a defenceless little boy, curled up in the dark, crying his eyes out. His biggest hope, and biggest fear, is that someone will get through. So he keeps building walls, to protect from that fear, because that is all he has grown up with. It gets to the point where the walls are so far away, he doesn't even remember why they are there, just that they need to be there.

    The most difficult bit, is that a whole army couldn't break through all those walls. But one person, trusted, could just walk right through. That means any pain that happens to me is my fault. I choose it to come in, i choose to be hurt by trusting, by hoping.

    I guess thats why i dream the way i do, of being bound, vunerable, no escape... i don't know who the figure is, it changes... i always hope they either kill me straight out, or hold me tight... just not torture, not lingering in this fear, this pain. I guess that's how i feel now, like life is torturing me, leaving me in this pain.

    But when i've let people close, i've been hurt, too many times. I can't be vunerable again :( ... but i can't not be either, if i'm to keep going. I hate this, i hate people. I just can't handle living like this.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just wanted you to know I read your post, and what you said makes a lot of sense to me. Building those walls is a defense mechanism, a way of trying to keep yourself safe. You aren't foolish for trusting people though. I know you've been hurt a lot, there are too many people in the world that want to hurt other people. But there are a lot that don't too, and I hope you find some of those people to let in.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i understand those walls one builds to protect their emotional soul Trust god who to trust right i get that it itme although the pain comes still you will meet one or two people with true hearts of kindness those people will show without a doubt that there is indeed kindness I hope you find one of them okay you deserve kindness and understanding Hugs to you
  4. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    The problem is that i've tried to let people in before, but they have hurt me. I can't think of any time where that didn't eventually happen. Once or twice is ok, is understandable. It might be hard to deal with at the time, but you can get over it, even when you are someone like me.

    But it has been over and over again i've been hurt for letting someone get too close, letting myself be too open and vunerable. That's why now i have to hide behind so many walls figuratively, keep everyone distant. I want to trust, but evidence suggests i shouldn't.

    And i'm sorry about the way this is written, it started as a creative writing piece, but it ended up as a rant, as i couldn't write it from outside myself.
  5. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed