Castles in the sand

Discussion in 'Let it all out...' started by Twisted F, Sep 1, 2006.

  1. Twisted F

    Twisted F Well-Known Member

    I’ve been feeling pretty well these past few days and actually quite okay for most of this past month. But that’s the problem, I’ve been feeling. And I know the feelings are fake, it’s just my imagination that is tricking me into thinking there’s something good in my life. Now I know that this time, too, it’s not for real. It’s never for real. I can’t remember the last time I felt good about something that was actually the case and not just something I made up in my mind. How can I go on like this? Everything of value is just sand castles that are washed away by the next wave of clarity, leaving me alone with this infernal emptiness. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
     
  2. me_

    me_ Guest

    I don't know what is that turned out not to be for real this time, but you can never know what will happen in the future .... right now it might seem like good things are never for real, but it is not a valid statement.
    If you feel up to saying more about what exactly happened that brought you down, I am here to listen...
    :hug:
     
  3. Twisted F

    Twisted F Well-Known Member

    It’s sweet of you to answer, I really appreciate it.

    Okay, I’ll try to explain. Good things don’t happen to me. That’s why I live with my mother at 26 and my grades are so poor that I would have been kicked out of school a long time ago if I had gone to an american college (they don’t do that where I live). That’s why I’m without friends and has never had a girlfriend in my life. That’s why I have never had a job. Good things don’t happen to me. It’s not about having bad luck; it’s all my problems, social anxiety and whatnot, that are getting in my way. Still, I dream of a better life, and I usually focus my fantasies on something specific. It can be an academic achievement, like passing a certain course, or maybe it’s a job I want. Sometimes it’s about a girl I like. These fantasies last for as long as I can believe they can come true. Even with my track record, I can still convince myself that this time it’s different. Inevitably, though, reality always wakes me up. And when that happens, I usually become a wreck. Sometimes I already have another fantasy and the transition can go pretty smothly. The thing is, I need these fantasies. Without them, my life becomes a gaping black hole of nothingness. I cling to them in order to preserve what’s left of my sanity.

    What happened on Friday was that my current fantasy crashed on me and messed me up bigtime. But now I think I may have jumped the gun. I still have a little bit of faith to hold on to, and that’s what I’m doing right now. So, there you have it. When I can’t hold on to this fantasy, I will find another, and then another, and so on. That’s what it’s like to be me.
     
  4. me_

    me_ Guest

    Hello there. :smile:

    So basically these fantasies are goals that you set, and I quess you call them fantasies because you fantasise about how things will be when you'll achieve them. And I quess when you say that a fantasy crashed on you, you mean that you failed achieving that goal or you realized that it is impossible to achieve it. I hope I interpreted correctly.
    Sorry to hear that usually you don't achieve your goals. Welcome to the club ... :sad: :hug:
    I think I understand to a certain level how you feel. Each time you fail to achieve a goal that you set, your hope for a better future diminishes. And the more failures you experience, the more you start to see failing as a pattern in your life, and the more hopeless you feel. I think I know the feeling.
    I obviously don't know your situation, and I don't want to be a smartass when I don't really know what I am talking about. All I can say is that you are very young, and lots of things can happen to you in the future that can change your situation. And I know, improvement might seem impossible right now, but it is certainly not impossible.
    If you want to talk about what happened friday I am here to listen. Or if you need to talk about anything ... I am all ears. :smile:
    Take care!
    :hug:
     
  5. Twisted F

    Twisted F Well-Known Member

    A few of them can be said to be goals I have, others are such long shots that it is ridiculous to call them that. It’s like getting your first acting job on a soap opera and fantasize about winning an oscar some day. I don’t consider that a goal.

    I don’t think it’s the number of failures that makes it harder. I’m an uncurable optimist and I always belive my fantasies can be realized. Rather, it’s an age thing. When I was 20, it was okay to start over when I didn’t succeed, but I’m 26 now. I should be able to take care of myself and not have to depend on my mom. I should have a degree and a job and a wife and family. And I worry because if I continue to fail, I will still be like this when I’m 30, and 35. Well, actually, if nothing changes, I won’t be alive at 35. This life I have, it’s wearing me out. But for now I’m still hoping and trying.

    I don’t know exactly what happened on Friday. I think that something connected to the fantasy gave me an anxiety attack and it made me afraid that having it come true would be worse than if it doesn’t. Or something like that.
     
  6. me_

    me_ Guest

    I'm sorry to hear that you are not happy with your situation. :sad:
    Just as a remark, I have lots of acquaintances who are in a similar situation, moreover some of them never went to college or some of them are past 30, and they are pretty happy with their life. I quess it depends on expectations. I am not saying you expect too much from life, not at all, I was just trying to make you see that you are not a failure. I mean from a different point of view your situation can be seen as a pretty good one. At least you ARE in college, so many people doesn't have the possibility to attend one or they aren't capable to get in. And you are lucky to have your mom to depend on, to live with.
    lol I don't want to be a smartass, after all I am not happy with my situation either, when watching from a different angle I should consider myself lucky.

    As for Friday ... I'm sorry for that, I hope you feel at least a bit better about it by now.
    :hug:
     
  7. Twisted F

    Twisted F Well-Known Member

    With all due respect, there is no point of view from which my life can be considered good. My depressions are getting more frequent and more severe. The anxiety attacks are far worse now than they were only a year ago. When I said last month was pretty good, I meant by my standards. Most people would consider it a nightmare. Last Friday wasn’t worse than any other day in my life, I just happened to feel like writing about it that time. The anxiety may have different causes on different days, but it’s always present or just a heartbeat away. I never have peace of mind.

    I’m not in college this semester. Next year, perhaps. Not that there is much point to it, I pass only half the courses I take anyway.

    About my mother, she’s the only reason I’m still alive. If she died tomorrow, I would be dead by the end of the month. I know it would destroy her if I killed myself and I love her more than anything, so I choose for me to be miserable instead of her. Am I lucky to have her? I can't answer that, I guess it depends on my mood.

    Tonight I will once again go to bed with that familiar aching in my chest and head, and tomorrow I will wake up to a brand new day of pain and suffering. I will spend my day doing what I did today, watching TV and surfing the web. Maybe I’ll take a walk if I feel I have the strength for it. Sounds like a lot of fun, doesn’t it?

    Hey, listen, I may whine a lot, but I’m truly grateful that you’re writing back. I know how hard it is to read stuff like this. Thanks.
     
  8. me_

    me_ Guest

    Hey there!
    Sorry, my reply is way late ... I was out of town.
    But I didn't forget about ya! :smile:

    I quess it is hard to comment upon one's situation if you don't know it well enough. I wasn't trying to decrease the gravity of your situation, please forgive me if undeliberately I did that.
    Sorry to hear that your depression and the anxiety attacks are getting worse. :sad: I wish I could help in any way but I can't ... all I can say is that my PM box is open for you.

    I hope you are okay ... are you? Please let me know, and I am sorry again for replying so late ...

    :hug:
     
  9. Twisted F

    Twisted F Well-Known Member

    I read that you’d be away, so I wasn’t waiting for you to reply.

    I never got the impression you don’t take me or my problems seriously, and I hope it never appeared that way. Also, I’m not asking for solutions, only feedback, and I think you’re doing it well.

    Emotionally I’m doing okay right now, but my life has taken another turn for the worse. I think I’ve lost the only two online-friends I had left. I haven’t heard from either in several days. Maybe I’m overreacting, but I feel like they’ve given up on me. If neither of them write to me, I will have no one to talk to at all exept my mom.

    I probably won’t PM you, at least not now. You seem nice and all, but everyone I get even remotely close to abandon me eventually, and I can’t even take the chance right now, not in the state I’m in.
     
  10. me_

    me_ Guest

    Hey there! :arms:
    So good to hear from ya!

    Sorry to hear about your two friends. :sad: I really hope you are just overreacting about it and they didn't give up on you.
    As for me, I understand if you don't feel up to contact me. I don't want to start saying that I wouldn't abandon you and stuff because for you those are just words, no reason to belive them. But whenever you feel like it, please feel free to do so.
    Take care, and please keep us updated about how you're doing!
    :hug:
     
  11. Twisted F

    Twisted F Well-Known Member

    Hey me_, it’s been wonderful talking to you. If you ever feel unappreciated here, remember that this thread has meant a lot to me and that your attention helped me when I really needed for someone to listen. Thank you. I guess I’ll see you around the forum.

    T F
     
  12. me_

    me_ Guest

    It was wonderful talking to you too. :smile:
    Don't thank me for that, I am glad if I was of any help.
    Take care!