Catch 22,

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by silver76, Dec 14, 2007.

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  1. silver76

    silver76 Active Member

    I’m stuck in a catch 22. I know I need help. I think of killing myself daily. Fantasize about it, glorify it. Just want to be gone. I have tried in the passed, would have been successful had nobody intervened, but I can’t get help. The company I work for has counseling that is supposed to be "Confidential", but it can't be. I have a clearance and if I openly see a doctor I will lose it. If I lose my clearance I lose my job then I can't provide for my family and I really will have no reason left to keep breathing. That is all I really do not, keep breathing. I live in my room away from my family. My kids are distant from me. My wife doesn’t understand me. We are living separate lives. I sit for days on end in my room, lights out, just waiting. Waiting to stop breathing. I wish I could even cry about it. I haven't cried about anything in years. Deaths in the family, nothing, wife cheated, nothing, divorce papers filed, nothing, handfuls of pills, nothing. I feel nothing. Only emotion is anger, and sorrow. Try to hold my kids, nearly nothing. Just want to stop breathing.
  2. silver76

    silver76 Active Member

    Well I guess I am alone here aswell as in my life. Thanks for the concern guys. Maybe Im making the right decision!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  3. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    Sorry hun, not all do connect at the same time and visit the forum at once.
    I am barely starting to really read the forum at the moment and came across your post.

    From the sound of it, you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you can't get counseling at work by fear of loosing your job, and you do really need help, have you not consider seeking it outside work? Psi, therapists, counselors have offices everywhere. Even your family doctor can refer you to one should you choose to open up to him-her and state what is bothering you and how you feel.

    Your description fits a real depression in advanced state so the sooner you seek help, the sooner you will start treatment that will stabilize you and then start climbing back up out of the pit hole.

    Not all is loss and a lot can be gain over if you work at it but to work at it you must be fit mentally and physically and in that again you need outside help so please DO SEEK HELP 'now'!

    If you need or want to talk, you can contact me via private messaging anytime you want. I come several times a day or you can continue posting here, I will check again later or tomorrow morning.

    Till then, I wish you a good evening and please stay safe.

  4. silver76

    silver76 Active Member

    I cant even see outside doctors. I have clearances with the government. The only counseling allowed so that you are mentally fit for a clearance is marrage counseling. They do a very thourough background check. had to get anonymous email to start up here, and then Im still risking alot. I know how they can get my information, even though used false name. I wish I could get help. Nothing I can do.
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Although an answer is slow coming, the members here really care and want to try and help. If you were able to get in here how ever you did, stay. Keep sharing your pains and thoughts and let us help. It sounds like it's about the only thing you have left.
  6. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    even your family doctor can start up a cure for depression. and the gov. has no business knowing why you consulted him-her

    if needed, and confident with your family doctor, sure he-she can work out somehting to get you what's needed with a psi or something but to begin with he can start curing your depression which is a must
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