I’m stuck in a catch 22. I know I need help. I think of killing myself daily. Fantasize about it, glorify it. Just want to be gone. I have tried in the passed, would have been successful had nobody intervened, but I can’t get help. The company I work for has counseling that is supposed to be "Confidential", but it can't be. I have a clearance and if I openly see a doctor I will lose it. If I lose my clearance I lose my job then I can't provide for my family and I really will have no reason left to keep breathing. That is all I really do not, keep breathing. I live in my room away from my family. My kids are distant from me. My wife doesn’t understand me. We are living separate lives. I sit for days on end in my room, lights out, just waiting. Waiting to stop breathing. I wish I could even cry about it. I haven't cried about anything in years. Deaths in the family, nothing, wife cheated, nothing, divorce papers filed, nothing, handfuls of pills, nothing. I feel nothing. Only emotion is anger, and sorrow. Try to hold my kids, nearly nothing. Just want to stop breathing.