Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kirilov, Jun 9, 2008.

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  1. Kirilov

    Kirilov New Member

    My name is Zach, I am 18 years old, and I am a liar. I live (and have always lived) in a small rural town in a southern state. I tell everyone I'm from Pennsylvania, which is a lie. I don't know how this particular lie started, something to do with wanting to be more than a country boy I suppose, but it's been in circulation since I was in 7th grade. I even purposely change my speech pattern so that I sound like a Northerner, and I happen to be good at it. I'm good at all different sorts of lying.

    I tell people I'm half-Jewish. I am not. I don't even have a base reasoning for this one, just a lie that I have kept up for years. For so long that it almost seems true. I make up imaginary Jewish stereotypical relatives that come to "visit" every now and then, what actually happens during these times is I suffer from minor breakdowns and have to seclude myself. I have never, until recently, been affected by this lifestyle. I merely just accepted it and continued on my way. Now I realize and feel the emptiness of it all.

    But there is nothing I can do. A main reason behind these lies, I'm sure, is an inability to handle others thinking badly of me. Even though, through my lies, my facade is one of uncaring. It's actually rather ironic.

    Also, I am in love. I worship the ground she walks on, and she loves me too, I think. We have never actually told each other that we do. But that's the thing; she doesn't love me, she loves who I pretend to be. I want to come completely clean to her, but I cannot. How could I? How would that conversation start out, hmm? "I am a liar?" And even if she does accept all of this - which no person would - I am not even sure who the real me is anymore. Nathaniel Hawthorne once said "No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which one is true." These words could not mean more to anyone than they now mean to me.

    I am suffering from a Peter Sellers-esque breakdown. That is, all the people inside of me, that I pretend to be, are imploding. I am left with nothing but the shell that housed them. I find it hard to provide genuine emotions, often I find myself merely imitating other people's. It's not that I feel nothing, I do. I just don't seem to feel in a way that is satisfactory to the mainstream.

    Suicide seems a logical out. I do not fear death, the actual out, but I do fear the unknown that lies beyond it. A vengeful, angry God and his irrational, sadistic torments are my greatest fears. But did he, if he exists, not make me like this? Did he not deprive me of what everyone else seems to have? God, as you might be able to tell, is an unsettling idea to me. If there is a God, does he not deserve a single thing other than uttered blasphemies? But I digress from that subject, it is not one I wish to open for debate or angry responses.

    I do not have a plan, I don't have a set date, but suicide does seem to be becoming more and more inevitable. I must find a way to bring closure to my fractured psyche, or I am going to kill myself. An act of final rebellion against myself and against a Higher Power. I am not romanticizing death, I fully admit that I do not know what will happen if I were to kill myself. I know it will end, I will not be able to see everyone come to my funeral and "feel sorry for me," and I don't want to. I want a way out.
  2. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    interesting story. actually i think this is the only story of that length i have ever read entirely from beginning to the end in this forum.
  3. ItThing

    ItThing Well-Known Member

    Kirilov, I felt the same way once, I was jealous of other people seemingly having 'real' emotions and 'real' lives. When I was younger I lied to my friends because I wanted the attention I thought could only be given to more 'interesting' people. But you are genuine, you are special just like everyone else, it's just that for whatever reason you wanted others to think of you differently, and you too have a life worth living. Claiming to be of different origins does not make you fake. I understand that you are afraid of letting go of this mask after all these years, but I think you should be prouder to be yourself, and you are yourself, you won't be any different if you take off your mask. I see why doing this would make you embarressed, I think you should think about why you put on the mask in the first place, or ask a psychologist to assist you. When you figure that out, you will have a better sense of who you are and it will be easier to be yourself from then on. Don't give up on life. I flirt with those thoughts to make me feel like I have a way out if life isn't all I hoped for, and to assure myself that it doesn't matter if it goes wrong. Before you give in to despair take another hard look at your life and self and see what you can do to make yourself happy. Start talking to your love, you can always tell her later, and when you do I think it might confuse her as it does you, but because you are still the same person with our without a mask she will still love you. Pardon the length of my message I hope I said something helpful somewhere in this mess :unsure:. Best of luck and don't be scared to live!
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You need to get your lying under control because if you don't they are going to come sooner or later. When you lie there is a snowball effect. Have you noticed people are avoiding you or talking about you. If you do then your secret is out.
    I would rcommend you get into therapy. Let the therapist know everything. they will tell you the best way to handle this compulsion to lie. They also can give you advice on how to break it to your girlfriend. Sooner or later it is going to come out, so you might as well see atherapist right away, to get the ball rolling. Well I hope some of this helps you to be the person you would like to be...:chopper:
  5. Kirilov

    Kirilov New Member

    @ ItThing; I appreciate that someone else has spoken up about feeling/being in a similiar situation. I suppose that it is natural for young people to lie about things such as those, but I doubt many carry it on as long as I have. I do think, however, that I am a compulsive rather than pathological liar. I do not (any more at least,) have a goal or means to achieve from my lies, I merely feel more at ease in a lie. Always have. But now that the lies have taken over, I have lost myself in them. A sea of faces, one of which I assume must be mine. I wish to find myself by any means neccessary, but the actual search is pushing me further from the people I feel close to. I have, as of late, become more and more introspective and withdrawn. Erika has noticed it, and I am finding it harder and harder to come up with believable lies to assure her everything is ok. Isn't that funny, the lies that come the hardest to me are the ones that actually have an altruistic purpose behind them. The truth is I am not ok. I am not sure if I am going to be ok. Still no plan or date though.

    @Stranger1; As conceited and convoluted as it seems, I seriously doubt that my world of deciet could come crashing down without my consent. It hasn't happened yet, though I often wish it would. It would save me the pain of trying open up in honesty with someone. As I mentioned before, I am a good liar. Disgustingly good. Do not think that I am bragging, I am not. I would glady exchange my gift for deciet with a more positive personality trait. As far as therapy is concerned, I have no interest in it. Well, that isn't precisely the case. I am interested in undergoing psychoanalysis, however my insurance doesn't cover it and I don't have the funds to pay for it out of pocket. Psychoanaylsis has been shied away from in recent years, and now therapy mainly consists of CBT, or Cognitive Behavior Therapy, which in my personal opinion is a waste of time. And even if it isn't for most people, it would be for me because I am already thoroughly convinced of it. It's too bright and cheerful for me, I have always possessed a rather sullen and resentful attitude towards life. I do not want to be told about how cheerful the world is, rather, I want a therapist who can at least understand my viewpoint on life. I tend to think of the world in vaguely nihilistic terms. I want to discuss life with someone who agrees that life is cruel and at times absurd, but pressures me to continue on anyway, because the journey and experiences of life could surely be as rewarding and meaningful as life itself.

    Thanks everyone for the replies.
  6. ItThing

    ItThing Well-Known Member

    Kirilov, I understand that lying compulsively as you say is a bad thing you would be ashamed of, but I don't see exactly what you fear. I don't think Erika (that's your love right? I'm glad you have one I'm jealous :tongue: ) would be angry, just confused. I think you should tell someone you know and trust somewhat about your deception - or if you don't really trust them tell them just a bit first - and see if they think it's that bad. Sometimes you wish you could share your life experience with someone, but if you really think about it you might find who you really are. Talk to someone who knows you and see if they think the lies really made you someone else.
  7. Kate.

    Kate. Member

    Hey Kirilov,

    From what I read, you said you lie because you feel like you don't feel like everyone else... like what you're feeling isn't "satisfactory to the mainstream." I know it might not seem like it right now, because, erm, people your age tend to be especially fake and un-real (in my opinion)-- but dude, there is no way that you're the only one who feels the way you do.

    I can't say I've been through exactly what you're going through (it sounds like it's really tough for you right now)-- but I don't think it's all that strange that you're acting like someone you're not:

    Have you ever noticed, that some girls talk in a higher voice when they're around certain people? Or that your brother or sister isn't exactly the same when out in public? Or that your parents act totally uppity or whatever in front of their co-workers? It's not THAT strange for people to put on a face. I know, you're in a much harder place than that, but I think you should know that you're not alone.

    Maybe it's really hard and almost impossible to undo the lies you've lived your life around for so long, but perhaps you could start with trying to live forward with the truth, then slowly unravel the past to those who are still in your life.

    You'd be surprised, if you tell someone how you really feel every once in a while, maybe just as a joke (for example, Hey, How are you? Man, I feel like a man on stage sometimes) and then laugh about it... some people are going to agree with you and say, man, so do I. Then that could possibly open up some doors for you to walk through as yourself... possibly let you be more "you" around the people that you can relate more to.

    Being more withdrawn, getting stuck inside your mind, is not necessarily a bad thing. I mean, it's not all that strange that you're 18 and trying to find yourself. Just don't get stuck there forever, I guess.

    Oh, and I don't think 100% of the world's therapist are cheerful care-bare-like hippies; surely there's a nihilistic one out there who agrees with you on the world's cruelty and absurdity, or can at least understand-- but who am I to say that? I don't think a therapist is always the answer either.

    Sorry if I'm way off; I'm not exactly sure if I'm interpreting your predicament the right way. I hope this helps.
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